Family Memo RE: Holiday Sullenness, Ingratitude
As the primary executive of this family, it is my duty to keep abreast of the morale of its constituents. Your attitudes of sullenness and ingratitude did not escape my notice; to clear up any dissatisfaction with my execution of the holiday, allow me to compile all available data and provide an objective assessment of all gifts given/received.
Organizations Endorsing Ron Paul
In addition to glowing endorsements from individuals like KRS One, Chuck Norris and Prodigy from Mobb Deep, Ron Paul proudly welcomes the support of hundreds of grassroots political organizations. Here is a full list of groups supporting Ron Paul's 2012 presidential campaign.
Special Move List: Hurtwell
Learn every attack, taunt, counter and ultra finisher for HURTWELL and fully master your champion fighting technique!
Innovative is the Cruelty of J.F. Swanton (Part 23)
Though the Waccamaw Eyebleed could coax such suffering from an elk that it would beg for its life IN ENGLISH-- this has been verified by seven major university studies-- no trap I designed could match the cruelty of my own heart. Until today!
Shaggy Butte Sandwich Surplus - November Menu
We provide the highest-quality sandwiches at the lowest cost! Lost & found sandwiches, IRS seizure and police auction sandwiches! Name-brand sandwiches below wholesale! Like-new sandwiches for used sandwich prices!
KRUT-5 News: A Dangerous New Trend in Teen Bullying
KRUT-5 News investigates the devastating effects of a new teen bullying sensation that could kill your child: the thing where someone crouches behind someone and then another person pushes the person over the crouched person.
The Friend
On Wednesday, The Friend-- the mysterious local curiosity that has killed hundreds of locals over the last half century-- shuffled into Eureka for what some fear could be its final appearance.
The Aspergerian's Guide to Interpreting Facial Expressions
Many people on the autism spectrum have a difficult time recognizing and responding appropriately to the facial expressions of others. This can result in misunderstandings, unintended offense and many other undesirable social situations. Something Awful is here to help.
The Secret Evidence Against the West Memphis Three
Many believe that the West Memphis Three were convicted based on misleading evidence and small-town prejudices. However, the prosecutors in the case still maintain a genuine belief that the three men are guilty. Now, thanks to extensive investigation we know why: the West Memphis prosecutors were sitting on a mountain of additional evidence.
Cloyd is America
An anthology of Facebook posts by a man named Cloyd, a small-town gentleman who represents the soul of our nation. Could Cloyd be the greatest living American? Find out within.
Punch Me in the Face, Matthew Lillard
This weekend, actor Matthew Lillard offered to pay $100 to punch me in the face. In this open letter, I accept the kiss of Mr. Lillard's money-filled fist.
DMT: The Lillard Molecule
I found myself in a strange nursery or playroom. The toys were strange and alien. I was filled with joy, then fear; I was an infant. I sensed a presence at my side, like a guide or teacher. I looked over, and it was Matthew Lillard. He told me, without words, that everything would be fine.
Wobbingpool Police Incident Report
The Wobbingpool constabulary would like to apologise most profusely if you were victimised in an offence. Please tick the box or boxes that best describes the offence or offences you have suffered, and we will assign a bobby to promptly sort the matter.
District Bulletin: Swimp Condemns You (Part 11)
Dorroile, the worst guy, has taken to a hobby most vile: the distribution of false District Bulletins, aimed only at bad laughs at the cost of Your Beloved Superiors. More vile yet, he even has hobbied thus: to create tracts of religion, masquerading as the teachings of our Lord God Swimp, sweet Cookie Bear who lives in the Moon.
BeardBeat: News & Gossip from the Beardosphere
The World Beard and Mustache Championships were this week, and BeardBeat was on the scene with all the hottest inside info on your favorite facial hair. Special thanks to beard correspondent Reid Paskiewicz, who came out of retirement to provide his inimitable beard and mustache coverage.
New Rules From Your Office Mommy!
Hi boys, it's Lizzie, your favorite office mommy! Seems like a few members of our little workplace family have been taking a little too much advantage of the fun atmosphere, and maybe it's time to make a few rules!
The Red Potion of Greater Healing
We at Blue River believe healthy competition is not a thing to be feared. The Red Potion of Greater Healing is a fine product which will deservedly put almost every other pharmaceutical company out of business almost instantly, but we have full faith in the time-tested ingenuity and competitive spirit of our world-class research department.
District Bulletin - Ask Your Superiors (Part 10)
My friends are often fooled by the owlish sagacity of my baby’s countenance, but the baby is not wise. The baby fully witless and quite stupid even for a baby. The baby has voice both deep and calming and he offers awful quite bad advice in it. Lately, he is advised my friend Ollys to purchase a giant pink house full of cookies and puppies.
My Club Memberships
Being inducted into Costco’s prestigious Gold Star program is one of the proudest achievements in my professional life, which is why it’s always front and center on my résumé.
The Bloodlust of J.F. Swanton is Implacable (Part 20)
After two and a quarter years in the forest, nude as a lion, killing thousands of God's creatures and extincting several species, I hereby return to business. I pledge to translate my demented thirst for death into the lowest prices and fairest dealings in this noble industry. I AM THRILLED TO RETURN!
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 4 (Part 10)
In which Tooth Tooth builds with an unlikely friend, a Norwegian black metal singer named Valp Kattunge, and gains powerful insight into the struggle against Yacub and the nature of corruption.
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 3 (Part 9)
In which Tooth Tooth shakes off his hog stupor, follows the path of humility, infiltrates the pig-celebrating world of the white devil and meets an unexpected Norwegian.
Combos Factory Maintenance Report
12/22/10 COMBM-40321: Improved venting technology in Pizzeria Pretzel filling assembly chamber to prevent further explosions. Previous explosions may have been due to introduction of pressurized pepperoni gas into highly flammable petroleum-based marinara wax.
