Audio Update: The Deaths of Passing Motorists
David Thorpe, noted psychic, drives around in his car and predicts how the people who pass him will die. Featuring plenty of grim humor and a special cameo by The Rocketeer. Please note that this update is in streaming audio format, ready to be poured directly into your waiting ear.
The Wonders of IMDB Keywords
You might have noticed the little keywords that appear on every movie you look up on IMDB.com-- things like "female nudity" or "father son relationship." You may also have noticed that you can search and sort movies by these keywords, helping you find every single movie to ever feature "male frontal nudity."
Rustlr: Live-Rustling from the Pinnacle CowboyWorld Expo (Part 6)
Rustlr.com lets you hoot and holler to your little heart's content with thousands of your fellow cowpokes! This week, thousands of curious cowhands and ornery cusses headed down to the Pinnacle CowboyWorld Expo to learn about the latest in lasso technology...
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 1 (Part 6)
I'm sure folks been telling you about how Tooth Tooth tasted the unclean meats of a swine and was corrupted. Yeah, kid, I wouldn't believe it either. How could it be so? How could Tooth Tooth, a noble original black man, let the gamey flesh of a snouted ungulate pass the uncorrupted lips he use to impart righteous truth upon his brothers?
District Bulletin: God Elections (Part 7)
Recently, alas, a boast passed Dorroile's glistening teeth that could not be ignored. Our hearing of it was not perfect, said as it was in a noisome atmosphere of Dorroile's own devising, but reasonably certain are we of the general ideage: that Dorroile either has or is a god.
What Being a Genius is Like
When a genius looks at a tree, he instantly takes in not just its natural beauty but its scientific complexity: the ornate fractal patterns of its branches; the inscrutable calculus of its emotions; the gentle hissing of its photosynthesis. A genius like me has upwards of four thoughts about a tree before he even leans in to take a bite of it.
The Truth about Josh "Livestock" Boruff
To regular readers of this site, Joshua "Livestock" Boruff is the familiar byline on dozens of your favorite columns on fur trapping, mars colonization and dogblogging. What's less familiar, however, is the substance of the man. The bizarre truth of his existence is so morbidly fascinating that the journalist in me can't hold back any longer...
Internet Discount Barn: Summer's End Savings!
Summer may be coming to a close, but the Internet Discount Barn is still offering the HOTTEST bargains around! Since 1994, the IDB has offered the lowest prices on the least desirable items-- not to get all OG on this shit, but Woot totally ripped us off, and we're still pissed& but we pass our outrage to you in the form of savings!
And That's My Take, by David Thorpe
David Thorpe is an aspiring syndicated columnist who shares his wit, wisdom, folksy humor and unique personal perspective in his weekly column, “And That’s My Take.” Currently, this column is not printed in any major newspapers, but interested editors are encouraged to email him.
Forgotten Presidential Scandals, Part 1
We often forget that no presidency, even the super great ones, was untouched by the icy hand of corruption or the warm,moist hand of luridity and depravativity. We now look back on the first twenty-two presidents and their history of underhanded wheedlings and deedlings.
Peace Out from Rod!
Didn't wanna to do the whole big sappy goodbye thing so I thought I'd just pull off the band-aid quick and let all you dudes know at once: today's my last day here. The Rodster is leaving for greener pastures...
Human Resources vs. Interior Man
I thought you should be aware that Interior Man has been entering my cubicle at least once a day to burn one of his feathers next to my head. It smells bad and I think it might be some kind of insult. I know that his ways are unknown to us, but he stares at me in what I would consider to be a very menacing way.
Rustlr.com: Your Pardners are Waiting. (Part 2)
Rustlr.com your home away from home on the range, pardner! Keep up with your posse, check out our stampede forecast and have a gander at our tag cloud to find out what's rootin' and tootin' on the prairie!
E3: Interview with a Guy Whose Uncle Works for Nintendo
In a major gaming-journo coup, Something Awful has secured an exclusive interview with a kid whose uncle works for Nintendo. Inside, we'll reveal the secrets of Mortal Kombat sex fatalities, Mario's gun code and Nintendo's upcoming 100-bit console...
Wolfram Alpha: Computing the World's Knowledge
British scientist Stephen Wolfram recently launched one of the most ambitious projects in the history of the web: Wolfram Alpha, a site which aims to condense all human knowledge into some kind of a thing that you can talk to with your computer. To help you understand this new technology, we've delved into the thing for some first impressions.
Lost Comics of the Golden Age
Something Awful is proud to present a selection of lost classics from the Golden Age of comics. These relics of a simpler time transport you to a world of adventure, romance, perversion and space idiocy!
Senior Living 3: Oldageddon Part I
In the idyllic community of Shaggy Butte, nestled in the calm forested villas of the Shaggy Pines Assisted Living Community, two senior citizens go head to head in a battle of calamitous cussedness...
Today We Learn English! Lesson 2: The Punctuation (Part 4)
An inseparable element of writing, as we know in our own language by our system of trotmarks and clenchmarks, is how we punctuate it. English is no different, regarding this. Many authors of the English language choose to punctuate their work to show the character of their persons, or to add heft to their descriptions.
Your Bandicoot Sucks III
Oh, so we're supposed to think animals are all precious and perfect just because GOD made them? I'm not buying it, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for round three.
The Fable of Tooth Tooth and the Whiteling (Part 5)
At first Tooth was wary about that shit, so he cannily asked the Chinese bitch to smell it for the scent of gunpowder, because they know that smell due to their culture. But she ain’t detect anything dangerous, so Tooth bring that basket inside and unswaddle the parcel within in it, and to his horror he discover a living baby whiteling.
Big Uncle Jack: Part 2
The situation with Big Uncle Jack has been mighty queer indeed. I used to think it was a curse, having these two uncles. Big Uncle Jack with that giant head, couldn't say a word but at least he could chop wood. Little Jack, just tiny and always terrified, cowering and weeping all day, but at least he didn't eat much more than grass and seed...
Yes, I Live in the Popeye House
Yes, I live in the Popeye House. Go ahead, do your Popeye laugh. Everyone has to do the laugh when I tell them I live there, or their mutilated version of it. Eye-guy-guy-guy, ah-guh-guh-gah, ike ike ike ike. I've heard so many different half-remembered Popeye laughs that I don't even remember what the real one sounds like anymore.
Emails from the Obama Campaign
Our journey has been historic, and in the past few months we have accomplished something extraordinary: history. The months and years to come will not be easy, but with your continuing support and contributions we will continue to make history, more history than has ever been made in history.
