Halloween SWAT 2014 Booooorrendous Cat Costumes
Fashion SWAT returns at long last to expose the torment of man's second best friend.
I Can't Stop Watching This Otter Refusing To Leave A Guy's Car
I can't stop watching this adorable and hilarious video of an otter refusing to leave a guy's car! Why can't I stop watching? Please, somebody help me. I can't stop.
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 5 (Part 11)
In the thrilling conclusion of our five-part Tooth Tooth serial, our hero learns the true nature of swine, regains his righteousness and confronts the sinister Jeremy Birdcastle, the whitest dude in town.
District Bulletin: Missing Person (Part 14)
Dorroile is missing. We are very glad to not have him. He was the Worst Guy, and his gay mischief rained soaking ridicule upon us all. It is good that Dorroile has left. Nobody misses him. However, Your Superiors are required to document his absence so diligent, as with any missing fellow.
2012's Viral Buzz List WIN/FAIL Extravaganza (Remember the 90s!?)
Enjoy Something Awful's year-end roundup of awesome viral lists of totally WIN stuff from 2012! Featuring the HOTTEST celebs, the FAITH IN HUMANITYEST tweets and the WINNEST things you remember from the 90s!
UnFenced Cowboy Resume: Hank Langdon
UnFenced is the world's largest professional cowboy networking site, connecting you to trusted pardners all over the lonesome frontier.
The End of Liberty: How I'm Fighting Back
With last week’s election, it became official: American freedom is a thing of the past. Barack Obama will spend the next four years driving the final stake through the heart of a once proud nation. Therefore, I, John Donderondo, am committing to totally disengage from all liberals and liberal institutions from this day forward.
FAQ for White People: When Can I Say The "N Word"?
It has come our attention that certain white people are very confused about when it is and isn't appropriate to use the "n word." As a service to our readers, we've prepared a comprehensive FAQ with detailed directions for nearly every situation in which the word might be used.
KRUT-5 News: Teen Mobile Sex Pics: "An Epidemic"
SHAGGY BUTTE - When Dan Huhl borrowed his teen daughter’s cellular phone to make a phone call to the girl’s mother, he got much more than a friendly phone call. He got a shocking eyeful that still haunts him to this day.
Spigot.us Drinking Fountain Reviews (Part 2)
Reviews of the Shaggy Butte Public Library Fountain from Spigot.us, the web's finest source for informed opinions on the hippest local drinking fountains.
Other Percentages of Americans Romney Won't Bother With
Romney's not backing down from his "47 percent" remarks-- in fact, that’s not the only demographic Mitt has decided not to bother with. In the full version of the hidden-camera video, he mentions several other buckets of the population who he’ll probably never win over.
My Great Ideas for Batman Comic Stories
I've always wanted to write Batman comics, but it's tough to break into the industry. In case anyone from the comic book world is out there, here's an impressive list of really creative Batman ideas.
The Copious Bulletin of J.F. Swanton (Part 26)
The life of J.F. Swanton brims with deed and circumstance! Never before have I had so many evil acts to report, and to write of each in detail would overfill this newsletter to a state of bloody bursting, like the bladder of an elk suffering the horror of my patented Agonizing Urine Reversal Trap (pg. 12).
Michael Phelps: The Bob Costas Interview
NBC's Bob Costas interviews retiring Olympic champion Michael Phelps on his incredible career, his post-Olympic future and his inevitable decline and suicide.
Japanese Wikipedia Sitcom Bios
Doo~tsu! A collection of sitcom character bios from Japanese Wikipedia. "Sometimes and especially Homer, the father does not quite fit the horse, to crack paternity."
District Bulletin: The Death of Dorroile (Part 13)
Dorroile, the worst of our guys, has really done a big one this time, and most gingerly must we avoid stepping in it.
The Last Words of Presidents
An exhaustively researched collection of the final earthly utterances of each deceased US President.
Advanced Chess Glossary
A list of uncommon chess terms for advanced players, including unusual game variants, unconventional strategies and historical oddities.
The Girl's Locker Room Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be
“TC,” the girls call me. That’s short for towel coach-- it’s my job to oversee the ladies’ locker room. Go ahead and laugh, but I take my job seriously.
Your Band Sucks Special Report: The Loveless Reissue
Your Band Sucks temporarily rises from the grave to examine the new reissue of Loveless, My Bloody Valentine's landmark album of mumbling and weird guitars. Spot every nuance of the remaster and listen like a pro!
$700 large bedroom with laundry on site! (mission district)
Shower pressure is pretty good most of the time, but when your roomie flushes the toilet it gets a little drizzly. There’s only one bathroom, so we have sort of an “open bathroom” arrangement. I took the liberty of removing the lock from the door, so if we both need to pee at the same time, we can totally “play swords” LOL!
The Cyber Spellbook
Some useful excerpts from The Cyber Spellbook, a powerful religious tome from the authors of The Wiccan Web. Learn to banish foes using hot cyber tech (the toilet), and use a simple checklist to find out if you're a true Cyber Witch!
Pharmanautz Triplogs: Blitz
Trusted trip reports from Pharmanautz members on Blitz, the new designer drug sweeping the New Chicago area. Learn what to expect from this controversial substance!
The Wiccan Web
Merry meet, and welcome to the Wiccan Web! Experience the magic of the world's greatest book, which teaches us about cyber spells, virtual feasting, and Gwalchmei, the Celtic god of embedding midi files into your web page.
Billy Drago: An Appreciation in Five Parts
A brief and incomplete tribute to villainous character actor Billy Drago: teacher of acting, owner of islands, pawer of women and signer of insane autographs.
The Foster Friess Guide to Women's Health
Last week, Santorum backer Foster Friess came under intense media scrutiny for a joke he made during an MSNBC interview: "You know, back in my days, they’d use Bayer aspirin for contraceptives," Friess said. "The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly." We’ve contacted Mr. Friess to clarify his positions.
The Shaggy Butte Downtown Dreams Festival
It’s almost that time of year again, Shaggy Butters: the 19th annual Downtown Dreams Festival will be taking over the Shaggy Butte Plaza! As always, we’ve got a stellar schedule of fine art, food, local vendors, rock music and fun. Best of all, we’ve got the best lineup of big-ticket headliners Downtown Dreams has ever seen.
District Bulletin: The Notable Dead (Part 12)
In the days when we had no god, we did not know what death brung. But now we have Swimp, and we are content to die: we will join our cuddle-soft cutie bunny on the moon forever. We will romp and play, and sour clams will be unlimited and Swimp will open their tins for us. Every person will be there, except Dorroile.
Family Memo RE: Holiday Sullenness, Ingratitude
As the primary executive of this family, it is my duty to keep abreast of the morale of its constituents. Your attitudes of sullenness and ingratitude did not escape my notice; to clear up any dissatisfaction with my execution of the holiday, allow me to compile all available data and provide an objective assessment of all gifts given/received.
Organizations Endorsing Ron Paul
In addition to glowing endorsements from individuals like KRS One, Chuck Norris and Prodigy from Mobb Deep, Ron Paul proudly welcomes the support of hundreds of grassroots political organizations. Here is a full list of groups supporting Ron Paul's 2012 presidential campaign.
Special Move List: Hurtwell
Learn every attack, taunt, counter and ultra finisher for HURTWELL and fully master your champion fighting technique!
Innovative is the Cruelty of J.F. Swanton (Part 23)
Though the Waccamaw Eyebleed could coax such suffering from an elk that it would beg for its life IN ENGLISH-- this has been verified by seven major university studies-- no trap I designed could match the cruelty of my own heart. Until today!
Shaggy Butte Sandwich Surplus - November Menu
We provide the highest-quality sandwiches at the lowest cost! Lost & found sandwiches, IRS seizure and police auction sandwiches! Name-brand sandwiches below wholesale! Like-new sandwiches for used sandwich prices!
KRUT-5 News: A Dangerous New Trend in Teen Bullying
KRUT-5 News investigates the devastating effects of a new teen bullying sensation that could kill your child: the thing where someone crouches behind someone and then another person pushes the person over the crouched person.
The Friend
On Wednesday, The Friend-- the mysterious local curiosity that has killed hundreds of locals over the last half century-- shuffled into Eureka for what some fear could be its final appearance.
The Aspergerian's Guide to Interpreting Facial Expressions
Many people on the autism spectrum have a difficult time recognizing and responding appropriately to the facial expressions of others. This can result in misunderstandings, unintended offense and many other undesirable social situations. Something Awful is here to help.
The Secret Evidence Against the West Memphis Three
Many believe that the West Memphis Three were convicted based on misleading evidence and small-town prejudices. However, the prosecutors in the case still maintain a genuine belief that the three men are guilty. Now, thanks to extensive investigation we know why: the West Memphis prosecutors were sitting on a mountain of additional evidence.
Cloyd is America
An anthology of Facebook posts by a man named Cloyd, a small-town gentleman who represents the soul of our nation. Could Cloyd be the greatest living American? Find out within.
Punch Me in the Face, Matthew Lillard
This weekend, actor Matthew Lillard offered to pay $100 to punch me in the face. In this open letter, I accept the kiss of Mr. Lillard's money-filled fist.
DMT: The Lillard Molecule
I found myself in a strange nursery or playroom. The toys were strange and alien. I was filled with joy, then fear; I was an infant. I sensed a presence at my side, like a guide or teacher. I looked over, and it was Matthew Lillard. He told me, without words, that everything would be fine.
Wobbingpool Police Incident Report
The Wobbingpool constabulary would like to apologise most profusely if you were victimised in an offence. Please tick the box or boxes that best describes the offence or offences you have suffered, and we will assign a bobby to promptly sort the matter.
District Bulletin: Swimp Condemns You (Part 11)
Dorroile, the worst guy, has taken to a hobby most vile: the distribution of false District Bulletins, aimed only at bad laughs at the cost of Your Beloved Superiors. More vile yet, he even has hobbied thus: to create tracts of religion, masquerading as the teachings of our Lord God Swimp, sweet Cookie Bear who lives in the Moon.
BeardBeat: News & Gossip from the Beardosphere
The World Beard and Mustache Championships were this week, and BeardBeat was on the scene with all the hottest inside info on your favorite facial hair. Special thanks to beard correspondent Reid Paskiewicz, who came out of retirement to provide his inimitable beard and mustache coverage.
New Rules From Your Office Mommy!
Hi boys, it's Lizzie, your favorite office mommy! Seems like a few members of our little workplace family have been taking a little too much advantage of the fun atmosphere, and maybe it's time to make a few rules!
The Red Potion of Greater Healing
We at Blue River believe healthy competition is not a thing to be feared. The Red Potion of Greater Healing is a fine product which will deservedly put almost every other pharmaceutical company out of business almost instantly, but we have full faith in the time-tested ingenuity and competitive spirit of our world-class research department.
District Bulletin - Ask Your Superiors (Part 10)
My friends are often fooled by the owlish sagacity of my baby’s countenance, but the baby is not wise. The baby fully witless and quite stupid even for a baby. The baby has voice both deep and calming and he offers awful quite bad advice in it. Lately, he is advised my friend Ollys to purchase a giant pink house full of cookies and puppies.
My Club Memberships
Being inducted into Costco’s prestigious Gold Star program is one of the proudest achievements in my professional life, which is why it’s always front and center on my résumé.
The Bloodlust of J.F. Swanton is Implacable (Part 20)
After two and a quarter years in the forest, nude as a lion, killing thousands of God's creatures and extincting several species, I hereby return to business. I pledge to translate my demented thirst for death into the lowest prices and fairest dealings in this noble industry. I AM THRILLED TO RETURN!
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 4 (Part 10)
In which Tooth Tooth builds with an unlikely friend, a Norwegian black metal singer named Valp Kattunge, and gains powerful insight into the struggle against Yacub and the nature of corruption.
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 3 (Part 9)
In which Tooth Tooth shakes off his hog stupor, follows the path of humility, infiltrates the pig-celebrating world of the white devil and meets an unexpected Norwegian.
