GameCube Christmas Was My Best Christmas
The Nintendo GameCube. Best-looking console ever made. Like my pale and fragile body, every inch of its design screamed, "I was made to play video games!"
The Night Before Catsmas
Twas the night before Catsmas, and all through the land; Theaters downloaded patches, to fix Judi Dench's hand
Introducing the Xbox Wii U
Sure, the primary source of inspiration for the new Xbox's design was clearly a box of saltine crackers, but I'm into it. Lay that thing on its side on a shelf below a sound bar and you've got... well you've got two long rectangles near one another. Seems like a nice enough thing to have.
Neo Geo Arcade Stick Pro, Darksiders Genesis
Someone must have spilled the beans about my soft spot for the Neo Geo - a spot encompassing my entire body - because SNK sent me their new Arcade Stick Pro.
A Typical Day In The Something Awful Office
12AM: Board a personal hyperjet for lunch at Super Olive Garden, the Olive Garden that lays a slice of American cheese on top of every plate of pasta whether you like it or not
The Terminator Resistance Tunnel Message Board
REMINDER: If you leave a skull lying around up on the surface it will get robo-stomped for sure. We've all seen how much those robots love to crush a cranium beneath a mechanical heel and glare around dramatically. Keep your skulls on shelves, people!
The Best Game of the 2010s Is John Woo's Stranglehold, From 2007
With 2020 just around the corner everyone's compiling a Best Games of the 2010s list. And they're all wrong. John Woo's Stranglehold (which came out in 2007) is clearly the greatest game of the 2010s.
Move Aside, Baby Yoda - More Star Wars Babies Are Coming!
If you love Baby Yoda, you're going to lose your minds for Baby Sarlacc Pit and Baby Trade Federation Senate Tax Blockade.
Who Is Google Stadia For?
Google's Stadia launched this Tuesday to a level of fanfare that has not been seen since the Ouya. So who is the audience for this $130 video game streaming-but-not-how-you-think not-console?
Analogue's Mega Sg: Tommy Lasorda Never Looked So Good (Part 4)
The Mega Sg is a remarkable console that plays all the classic Genesis games: Tommy Lasorda Baseball, Tommy Lasorda & Earl, Tommy Lasorda Zwei
Red Dead Redemption 2 PC Troubleshooting
Downgrade your motherboard's BIOS to an earlier version. Update your motherboard's BIOS to a version from the future. Remove your motherboard.
But How Will We Pay For It?
"BUT WHERE WILL WE GET ALL THE LAB COATS AND MICROSCOPES?" - A concerned person asking questions while everyone else hurried to invent science without considering the implications
The Outer Worlds Review
I have used my formidable hacking skills to free a man from a space toilet. Welcome to the future!
Popular Regional Halloween Candies, By Region
If you're up north enjoy some S'more Easters, but if you're in the southwest don't forget the Marshmalamos.
My Entire Life Is Structured Upon Arcade Flyer Text
I have internalized a handful of beautiful passages from arcade game flyers as my personal tenets. These words shape my life every day. They define who I am and what I do.
Old Games On New TVs: The Original, Huge, Xbox (Part 3)
Replacing the hard drive is basically surgery, which must be performed WHILE THE XBOX IS RUNNING AND ALSO YOU ONLY HAVE FOUR SECONDS TO MAKE THE SWAP
My (House's) Water Broke!
Last Friday I crept downstairs at 5 am as usual and made coffee, then turned on my PC only to realize I was standing in water. This was different than the computer sweat that usually pools beneath my desk.
EXCLUSIVE: A More Deeper Look at the PlayStation 5
At launch, at least one video game will be available. The idea is that people who purchase the PlayStation 5 might also purchase a software to use on the system.
Patch Notes: Untitled Goose Game
Added cheat code "InfiniteGoose" use it for infinite goose okay
An Email From the Front Line of the Second American Civil War
I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of treason and how great a debt we owe to he who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Mild And Accurate Criticisms. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this president, and to pay that debt.
For My Money, I Spit On Your Grave 23 Is Where The Franchise Began To Lose Steam
I Spit On Your Grave 14: I'm On A Seagrave Diet... When I See Your Grave I Spit On It!
You NEED These Weapons to Fully Enjoy Borderlands 3
If you want to get the most out of Borderlands 3, you've got to gear yourself up. Here's our checklist of must-have weapons!
We Can All Agree This Is Spider-Man's Best Costume
"Whatever." The word that defined a generation. The rallying cry of Generation X. The mantra of Generation Surge. Peter Parker said it first, while wearing his best costume.
Folks, This Is Your Pilot Speaking
Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a head bandage and one of those thermometers with the bulbous end that pops when the temperature reaches the top?
Old Games On New TVs: The Sega Dreamcast (Part 2)
The Sega Dreamcast. Once the sport of kings, now relegated to the Refuse Quarter's sprawling mound of abandoned hoop-and-sticks. How do you get the most out of one today? Do any of its games hold up?
Patch Notes: The Jeremy Renner App
Jeremy Renner Official - the official Jeremy Renner app of record - has been updated to version 1.9431.0001. This update makes a number of improvements for all users, from casual fans to super users using our experimental nightly builds.
What Happens In Your Computer Every Time You Click Your Mouse
CAPTAIN: Prepare firing tube A. Ready firing tube B in case this spirals out into a double-click scenario. We don't want to be caught with our pants down.
Oops, It's Been Two Months Since Our Last One Sentence Review
Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night - My favorite ritual of the night involves a different kind of stain if you know what I mean... a toothpaste stain, on my shirt, from brushing my teeth too good.
Five Household Tools Everyone Should Own
Down-Only Ladder: Simply jump up to the top rung, then enjoy the smoothest downward climb of your life. Ideal for home projects that require you to be on the ground.
Boy Howdy There Are Some BIG CHANGES Coming to Something Awful!
I have been writing on this web site for half my life. That's longer than I've been alive! That's also longer than our target audience - widower toddlers with $400,000.00 in disposable income - has been alive. If we're going to tap into that young demographic we need to make some serious changes.
A Video Game Could Definitely Cause Violence
Don't be so hasty to claim that video games can't possibly cause violence. It could happen. But only if the game looked something like this.
Let's Escape Our Terrible World For One Moment, And Focus On My Terrible Dog
This is my fourteen year old pug, Oscar. As you can plainly see, he's a grade A jerk. A real butthole of a dog. Twenty eight pounds of no good idiot.
If These Details Aren't In Netflix's Witcher Series, What's the Point?
Geralt tries to loot a barrel in a peasant's hut but gets no prompt. He runs backwards, then turns around and comes in for a second approach, magically blowing out a candle instead.
Old Games On New TVs: PS2, OSSC, and Retro Gaming Cables (Part 1)
I always felt emulation and a good controller were enough to get the job done. Not just for old games, but for anything. Road repair. Animal husbandry. Hostage negotiations.
Unfortunate Last Words
Wait. Which bottle contains the fruit punch and which one contains the lethal poison that is identically colored and flavored? I'll drink this one. I'm like 51% sure it's the fruit punch.
An Ode to the Sneezing Dinosaur From Contra: Hard Corps
A cybernetic wolf man with sunglasses. A snaggletoothed dinosaur. One fateful sneeze. A tale as old as time.
Patch Notes: Bloodstained + Super Mario Maker 2
Bloodstained Patch Note: Encountered a bug but didn't have the tool to fix it. Noted the location, continued along another path.
I Just Watched the First Nine Friday the 13th Movies For the First Time
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan was the wrong title for this movie. It should have been called Jason Spends 70 Minutes on a Boat Then 20 Minutes On a Dark Dock Then 10 Minutes In Some Sewers.
The Only Pop Culture Building Conversion Chart You'll Ever Need!
Quarts to cups. Cups to ounces. Converting all those measurements is such a headache! That's why I have this handy chart comparing titular buildings in pop culture.
Never Played a Video Game? Here's Everything You Need to Know
Absolutely everything you need to know in one place: How to Level Up Your Elf, How to Be Betrayed, How to Shoot That Guy, How to Kiss the Computer Person, How to Find Objective, and How to Do Critical Hits
I Made Fun of My Computer, Then Lightning Destroyed It
A few weeks ago I made some jokes at the expense of my decrepit PC. Last Monday a karma-shaped bolt of lightning struck the side of my house and blasted that computer to smithereens.
E3 2019 Recap-aganza! Fest!
You can be absolutely anyone in Watch Dogs Legion. But you can't wear Aiden Pearce's Iconic Hat, so what's the point?
This Pizza Took Me Eight Years To Make
What you'll need: Pizza ingredients. Six out of ten people prefer the taste of a pizza with ingredients to that of a pizza without ingredients.
My PC Is So Old
My video card was good five years ago and now only produces unwanted artifacts, which makes it indistinguishable from Valve.
The PC Game Launcher Trash-Off
There are now more PC game launchers than humans on Earth, only eclipsed by the number of premium streaming video networks.
That New Alien Tabletop RPG Seems Familiar
Holding high a gnarled staff wreath with holly, an elf summons the fury of the storm and calls down explosive bolts of lightning to smite the torch-carrying ALIENS who threaten her forest.
My Favorite Scenes From The Thing, Good Will Hunting, and Jaws
I only tolerate movies because they contain movie scenes, which I love.
The Video Game Item Grocery List
Would mind picking up a few things for me while you're out? It's just a handful of pantry staples. I already have the list jotted down for you.
20 Things You Simply MUST Do Before You Die
Before you die, I highly recommend reading the book How to Halt Aging Completely and Live Forever
TrustworthyUnboxingGamer's Ultimate Video Guide to Playing This Video
Hey guys what's going on. TrustworthyUnboxingGamer here with another video guide for you. Today I'm gonna show you how to watch this video.
Sonic Movie Trailer, Valve's $1000 VR, One Sentence Reviews
Sonic the Hedgehog should be Speed Racer, the Wachowskis' 2008 film. Not inspired by Speed Racer. Not a remake of Speed Racer. It should simply be Speed Racer.
TV Exists to Give Us Dinner Table Cast Photo Tableaus
We don't want television shows. We just want the stars of those television shows to pose at a table, like one of them paintings.
The Drawbacks of Being Impaled by a Steel Beam
Months of watching what you eat. Getting more exercise. It finally felt like your body was heading in the right direction. Now you weigh an additional four hundred pounds. Back to awkwardly wearing a t-shirt in the pool!
PlayStation 5: Everything You Need to Know and Some Things You Don't
While the PS5's powerful GPU is capable of pushing graphics to new heights, it comes at the cost of a single shortcoming. The console can only render a maximum of ten rubber ducks in a bathtub at the same time.
Things That Go Through Your Head When Your Air Conditioner Dies
No one in the history of the world has suffered as much as I am suffering right now, laying on my couch under a ceiling fan and unenthusiastically flipping through my streaming service watch lists.
The Criterion Channel's Launch Lineup Is a Dream for Film Lovers
The Criterion Channel has launched, a streaming service with an enormous library of meticulously curated films. Which Punisher movie will you watch first?
The History of the World According to Video Game Promotional Copy
This textbook's entry on the American Frontier (Wild Arms): The Metal Demons, legendary destroyers of Filgaia, are returning. Powerless, the Ancient Guardians call upon three to save their once green world.
What They're Saying During NBA Timeouts
Coach: Okay guys, come here. Don't make it obvious that I'm asking this but which basket are we shooting at? I got turned around for a second.
Tacky and Hideous: The Erotic World of Limited Edition Consoles
Never before has a piece of consumer hardware so perfectly captured the feeling of hiding a boner while browsing the airbrushed t-shirt stall at a county fair!
Google Stadia Analysis
Google wants to combine the thrills of compression artifacts and input delay with the wonderful world of screeching personality-devoid YouTubers and cold monetization. Will it work?
There's a Guy On Survivor Called The Wardog
I'm pretty sure it's not his birth name. It's hard to imagine any parent hoping their baby's future involves wardogging and all the responsibilities that wardogging entails.
The Preamble to Every Online Recipe
There's nothing more scrumptuous than the most perfectest chocolate chip cookie! This recipe is so easy and quick you won't believe it! As you know, my hubby Bowden is a lumberjack-turned-Christian-supermodel.
It's Like You're IN THE GAME!
It's like I'm really looking at bread! No, seriously. THIS LOAF OF BREAD IS HUGE
Lendarr the Credulous
The slabs of his muscles glistening in the torchlight, Lendarr prowled the abandoned mine. He sought a treasure guarded by an ancient evil beyond measure - even if you used two large measuring devices laid end to end.
Underrated Stand-Up Comic Sitcoms of the 2000s
100% dad. 100% husband. 10% incorporeal. Sundays on Fox it's: Mohr or Less
Anthem Review: Salute Your Shortsightedness
Like Destiny, Anthem is what you get when you smooth out the rough edges that are secretly the best parts of video games, then smooth the remaining formless blob until all that's left is one third of ACTION PRODUCT WITH LEVELING.
Challenging Literature For You, Too Read
Any forum poster worth their salt will gladly inform you (without being asked) that genre fiction is, in fact, garbage for children. You are not reading a real book unless it is difficult and mildly unpleasant. Test your READING MACHISMO with these truly challenging works.
A Trip to Old Console Hell, and What I Found There
All I wanted was an indigo GameCube and a white PS2 slim. What I got... was the adventure of a lifetime!
ScatterShots: Chronomaster and King's Quest: Mask of Eternity
In this updated version of a classic puzzle, you may only ask one question to all six guards before proceeding. None of them may lie but the only question you get to ask is 'So, uh, do you work out?'
Patch Notes: The Internet
Today the internet has been patched to version 1.04, addressing various issues and introducing several quality of life features. If you are still running 1.03 you may need to restart your device before these changes take effect.
How to Install Uninstaller Pro
Double-click UninstallerUninstallerUninstaller.exe to remove UninstallerUninstaller.exe and UninstallerUninstallerUninstaller.exe from your computer.
ScatterShots: Alone in the Dark
Welcome to ScatterShots, a new series where I guess what's going on in random screenshots of old games I've never played.
Randy Pitchford's Medieval Times USB Drive
Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford lost a USB drive filled with sensitive company secrets and pornography in a Medieval Times. We obtained a directory listing of the entire drive.
Mad Box: 10x More Powerful Vaporware Than the Phantom
"We're also going to cram this thing full of processor. The largest processor ever created. The processor will be so enormous that you can use it as a dinner plate - if you're a GIANT! Haha."
Thunderdome's Alternate Game Modes
Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves: A slight variation on the standard format. In this, one of the two men turns around immediately and exits the Thunderdome without incident.
New Year, New Salt Lick
Remove the salt lick from your kitchen. It is stuffed in your bread box, directly on top of your bread. Your bread is squished. It is flat and compressed into a gummy substance unsuitable for sandwiches. Do not feel bad. Your bread knew what it was signing up for. It was either you or the bread.
