End of Year Awards + The Most Anticipated Games of 2019
Into the Breach. That's the game of the year. Obviously. This concludes the Game of the Year Awards. Thank you for your time.
Merry Christmas, No Matter Which Santa Claus You Worship
Canadian Santa Claus covets the goblet, and the power within.
An Oral History of History by Wikipedia Skimmers
It all began in World War 2. Earth's surface was still cooling off. Magma was becoming rock. The planet was looking for a way to make a name for itself. On the big stage. To become known internationally.
2018 Holiday Gift Guide For People You Love, Hate, and Won't Buy a Gift For
If you could solve every problem in life by picking up coins and throwing them at strangers, I wouldn't be in jail at this very moment for throwing coins at strangers from the roof of an Outback Steak House
WAO~
"WAO~" says someone in the audience, amazed by a simple layup. It's the thing that Americans yell when they yell, which is all the time.
The Five Stages of Cutting Your Own Hair
You gave yourself that bad haircut years ago. You're a smarter person now. More well-rounded as a human. This time you'll probably be able to cut your hair like a champ. This is a terrific idea!
My Shameful Gaming Confessions
Forgive me, Sid Meier, for I have sinned. I have never finished a 3D Zelda game.
If Detective Pikachu's Character Artists Worked on Other Movies
Wondering what Psycho would look like if the Detective Pikachu team made it? Well now you have the answer, so that should free up eight hours of your day.
DECLASSIFIED: Incredible Spycraft Gadgets You've Never Heard Of
This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.
An Absurdly Biased Look at the Neo Geo Mini
For years I daydreamed about owning a Neo Geo of my own. Unfortunately the $600 console and $200 carts were slightly beyond my budget of zero dollars.
Wish Destroyer 3000 Customer Reviews
I'm ruined. Every dream in my life has been dashed. Fantastic product! Would buy again!
Did Everyone Get A Ballot Like Mine? Seemed Weird
Item #1: Are you some kinda minority or somethin'?
Bethesda's Open Letter to Fallout 76 Players
We look forward to seeing you in the game. Maybe one of you can tell us how to change the title screen logo from Gamebryo to Fallout 76.
Did You Spot Every Hidden Ghost In The Haunting of Hill House?
You've seen all ten episodes of Mike Flanagan's spooky show, but have you spotted the spirits tucked away in the background? These ghosts were hidden so well most people never saw them.
Fun Things You Learn When Your Dog Has Diarrhea
Every accident will happen on a carpet or a rug 100% of the time. Even if 80% of your floors are tile. Even if 100% of your floors are tile, and you own no rugs.
Some Genius Let Me In Google's Project Stream, And Now I'm Spilling the Beans All Over Your Screen
It only looks weird when you're running through vegetation. Did I mention that about two thirds of Assassin's Creed Odyssey is spent running through vegetation?
25 Karate Moves to Air Out Your Soiled Pants
Urine? Or perhaps an abundance of crotch sweat? Either way, it's a good thing you're in a karate class. This is the ideal place to covertly get some airflow down there, speeding up the evaporation process by as much as 4%.
A Light Gun Game Hostage's Resume
Industry veteran with nineteen years of experience jumping in front of zapper-wielding clients during intense shootouts, shouting phrases like "Don't shoot!" as they reflexively blast me.
The Definitive Morrowind Mod Installation Order
Reinstall the original Better Bodies mod to counteract the Far Worse Bodies mod, making all bodies an ideal 80% worse rather than 100% worse
Sponsored Links: Better to Have Linked and Sponsored Than to Have Never Linked At All (Part 12)
Your social security card is legal tender worth $10, and the comic book store MUST accept it
The Precursors, the Pre-Precursors, and the Precomers
"Captain, this is no cave... it's an ancient space vessel! It belonged to a long lost race called the Precursors. They lived tens of billions of years ago, had technology far more advanced than ours, and suddenly disappeared."
A Message From Toad
I'm being destroyed by a situation beyond my control! My wife has been very supportive but I can tell that this has shaken her to her core!
What You Want From Technology vs. What You Get
You want to pay a reasonable fee for access to every movie or tv show you could think of. You get a hundred services with a hundred uniquely clunky apps, and libraries that fluctuate more than a fluctuation machine.
The Most Brutal Death Scenes in Jurassic Park + World
I recently rewatched the entire series, and you know what? Some of those deaths were far more cruel and graphic than I remembered. For my money, these were the most brutal ways a human met their end on screen.
Patch Notes: Spider-Man
Tweaked the difficulty of Spider-Man's final boss fight, in which he faces off with The Puddler
A Restaurant Critic Reviews His Own Cooking
Sure, the place was poorly lit and hadn't been dusted since, well ever, but there were some great photographs of me. They were unexpected, and added a certain charm that couldn't be denied.
Thom Yorke Playing Dungeons & Dragons
"For a minute there I lost my elf. I lost my elf."
After 10 Dang Years Away From World of Warcraft, Here's My Battle for Azeroth Review
After ten years away (How is that possible???) I've come back for the launch of Battle for Azeroth. There's an overwhelmingly positive buzz surrounding the expansion, and it seems like a good excuse to see how much the game has changed in the last decade.
The Most Misquoted Lines In Movie History
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Classic Board Games' Original Rules (Part 10)
Chess Rules section 2: Inventory Management. Depending on your Rook's Handling stat and the number of pawns remaining in your force, your inventory grid can have anywhere from sixteen to two hundred and forty slots. Always consider the weight of stored objects, as
There Should Have Been 32 Additional Bonk Sequels, And I Came Up With Titles For All of Them
Bonk: Two Bonks - Me Bonking You, And You Bonking The Floor
Get Ready For The God Friended Me Spinoffs!
God Friended Me is an actual television show about God friending a foolish atheist (presumably named Me) on social media. It's such a surefire hit that there are already spinoffs in production, like God Hit My Parked Car With His Car Then Left Me A Passive-Aggressive Apology Note.
This is COOL
I had something else planned for today, but then I found out about the Japanese "This Is Cool" model of the Sega Saturn.
The One Sentence Review Special: More Reviews Than It's Humanly Possible To Read!
It's been nearly two months since our last round of One Sentence Reviews, hasn't it? And since I finally picked up an SNES Classic, why not rate every game on the system while I'm at it? Don't you love it when three rhetorical questions come together?
Westworld Season 3 Preview
"Okay, elite security team! We're going to sweep the area and clear out every last robot! (Two seconds later) Oh no we're all dead."
Warhammer Age of Sigmar: Soul Wars (Part 9)
Soul Wars is a massive box containing everything you need to start playing Warhammer Age of Sigmar, aside from free time. Well, I haven't checked every compartment. A packet of free time might be tucked away in there.
OS X Review: It's Terrible Trash For Idiots
For the last three months my primary computer has been a MacBook Air running the latest version of OS X, probably named after a mountain or a bear or the hand claps and chants from a modern rock song.
It Can't Be...!
It can't be stopped! It can't be reasoned with! It can't be compelled to testify against its spouse!
The N64 Classic Hasn't Been Announced Yet - Here's Why
Reason 1: Nintendo hasn't been able to find a manufacturing partner that can reliably mass-produce tens of thousands of terrible controllers with broken c-sticks.
Help Me Remake Star Tours: The Adventures Continue #RemakeStarTours
This is a campaign to provide Disney a chance to course correct with the Star Wars motion simulator franchise. The fans are completely divided and the core goal of the Star Tours travel agency has been abandoned.
Secret Weapons of the Space Force
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Tom Clancy's The Division 2 Is NOT Political, Obviously
According to The Division 2's creative director, the game is not political. Does The Last of Us 2 feature smooching? "No." Is there income inequality in Cyberpunk 2077? "Absolutely not."
The Biggest Surprises of E3 2018
Susan Kath of Bethesda Game Studios handed me a polka-dotted can of mixed peanuts. When I opened it, a number of paper snakes sprung out into my face.
My Moonlighter Shop's Worst-Selling Items
Metal Nose With Handle - All the convenience of a nose, but now it's portable!
The Most Controversial Changes In Dark Souls: Remastered
When you die your skin no longer turns to beef jerky. Now your hollowed flesh grows increasingly supple and sexy, with ultra realistic pores, TressFX body hair, and sweat tech that puts the latest NBA game to shame.
Time To Come Clean - The Quake 3 Toilet Chamber Was My Bedroom
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
Sheven Hunnert Dollahs Dahn
This local car commercial has ruined my entire brain. Now it's your turn.
A Beat-Em-Up Henchman's Resume
Qualifications: Industry veteran with twenty eight years of experience delivering fist-and-foot-based content to a variety of high profile clients.
Celebrity Sightings: Ricky Gervais
Gervais sauntered into an English class wearing a pair of shades. He asked whether "couldn't care less" or "could care less" best demonstrated how little he cared about people offended by his comedy, then flipped both middle fingers and left before the professor could answer.
The First Thing They Teach You On The Job
The first thing you learn as a Ghost Hunter: You can't kill a ghost with a traditional bow and arrow. You've got to dip the arrowheads in poison.
Battletech Infirmary Log: Dekker
The patient, callsign "Dekker", was admitted to the infirmary after shooting at an enemy turret power generator from point blank range. All four of his attacks missed. Dekker, caught up in the excitement, passed out from overstimulation.
How To Do A Respectable White House Correspondents' Dinner Routine
Scan the room for a reporter with an obvious physical handicap. Gleefully contort your body to mock them like you're the absolute worst five year old on the planet. Hey, you're just telling it like it is!
The Something Awful Guide to Buying a TV In 2018
It's time to get a new TV. Your old one was made like two years ago, and so much has changed. You might as well be looking at a dinosaur's butthole. Why would you keep doing that, when you could be looking at a robot's butthole?
I Have Been a Game Developer For 3 Days. Here's Everything I Know
After three days I pretty much know everything about game development. Admittedly I may have to learn what it's like to win a lifetime achievement award, but that will come next year.
Reviewers LOVE the New God of War Game
"God of War is the realization of our collective hopes and dreams, not just as gamers, but as gamer-citizens."
Sponsored Links: Rising: The Return: The Eleventhening (Part 10)
It's nearly been a year since we last checked in on the internet's most terrible ads. What changed? Not much.
Patch Notes Roundup: Far Cry 5, Sea of Thieves, Fortnite
Sea of Thieves: Reduced the variety of enemy types from skeletons, snakes, sharks, and non-functioning Kraken to [PLACEHOLDER UNTEXTURED CUBE]
How Will WWE Fill All 7+ Hours of Wrestlemania?
Pinfalls have been changed from the standard 3 count to a far more dramatic 300 count. Several times per match, a pinned wrestler musters the strength to miraculously break free after the referee reaches 299.
Assorted Feedback From the Customer Feedback Boxes In Customer Feedback Box Park
I am absolutely thrilled that there is a theme park containing row upon row of customer feedback boxes, stretching out for acres in every direction. What a delight!
I'm Making a Game! Try the Demo in Your Browser, Give Your Life Savings to the Kickstarter
I'm making a choose-your-own-adventure comedy game about uninformed choices and unfair consequences. It's called Harm Other, and you can play the demo now.
My Warhammer Novel Pitch
Games Workshop is looking for samples from aspiring Warhammer authors. Since my biggest dream in life is to have a book published, I put together this submission. Fingers crossed!
My Favorite Scenes From Batman & Ronin
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - The personification of flopsweat, MR. FREEZE (Sean Bean) desperately tries to impress a group of experienced outlaws with cold-themed puns.
The Best PC Games You Can't Buy
Before the noted terrible game Destiny 2, and even before Halo, Bungie made fantasy games about dwarfs exploding into gross bloody chunks on hills and bridges.
Why Is Brooklyn Barbeque Taking Over the World?
Are two squashed cafeteria rolls and a forlorn clump of grey meatfat biscotti on a sea of butcher paper really taking over the world?
Into the Breach: Strategically Pushing Kaiju Bugs Into Pools
In most games you'd hop into your mech and shoot the giant alien bugs until they fell over. Here, you turn Asshole Physics into an art form.
Star Wars: Galaxies and the Joy of Being a Big Dumb Baby
One month after the launch of Star Wars: Galaxies a scrawny Mon Calamari stands in an Imperial player-created city, hands at his sides and large vacant eyes also at his sides.
Have You Considered the Consequences of a Gun-Free USA?
The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.
Let Me Explain Economics
You have four supply, four lemonades, and four profits. You sell them all for two profits. That's pure profit.
It's the 20th Anniversary of My Quake 2 David Letterman Skin!
The Quake 2 David Letterman skin remains my crowning achievement, a work of art as vital and compelling as it was the day that dave.pcx was uploaded.
Nintendo's Going Into Labo
Cardboard. Seems like an odd material to base a product around, right? You might think it's less durable than plastic, and you're absolutely right. Players won't be able to use Labo inside of a running industrial shredder, as that could potentially damage the cardboard.
Wacky Video Game Logic... In Real Life?!? What the
Wacky video game logic: If you become injured, try to get healed as quickly as possible.
Outdated GPS Devices: Where Are They Now?
Where is the TomTom Navigator now? 40.7 Latitude, -74 Longitude
A Little Advice For Astronauts
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
Review: Mouse Guard Roleplaying Game (Part 8)
Before we get started you should know that I have never Dungeoned a Dragon or Findered a Path. As you read this review please keep in mind that Mouse Guard is my first pen & paper RPG and I am a colossal idiot.
A CPU Bug Is Sweeping the Cyber Nation and I Am Freaking Out!!
As you may have heard on the news or from your town crier, all the computer chips stopped working. There was a flaw. It got in there at the very beginning of computers and as chips got faster and smaller the flaw became more powerful and harder to see.
If Global Warming is Real, Why Do Cold Things Exist?
If global warming is real, why does the Hoth sequence of Empire Strikes Back look exactly the same as it did when the movie first came out?
