Using Common Sense To Stay Cyber Secure
You don't need a Guy Fawkes mask and a fedora to keep your computer information secure. Just one of these objects of power should be more than capable of generating a field of sufficient strength to protect an average user. Two is overkill.
Leaked Details Reveal Everything There Is To Know About The Elder Scrolls Online
The whole reason for this game and all the conflict within it? There's an evil. Someone should probably stop the evil. I filed a suggestion that it should be the players who get to stop the evil. That seems like a fun thing to do.
There's Probably No Escape From Savage Bloodprison Island
That sucker is high grade chain link. Newest tech on the market. You ever tried to scale a chain link fence? It's impossible. The holes are nowhere near big enough for your feet to find purchase.
I Love That Movie! ME
Oh man, did I just hear you guys talking about Forest Gump? That is so great! It's probably my favorite movie of all time. I know everything about it. The best part is when he finally escapes after being stranded in the forest for all those years. What a powerful film.
How The Olive Garden Hopes To Outdo Amazon's Drones
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Please Enjoy The First Two Minutes Of A Triple-A Game
Look out, world. Also, hello world. I have single-handedly created the opening minutes of a AAA video game. Imagine what I could accomplish with just a few million dollars.
Let Me Tell You Exactly How Big The Universe Is
The universe is vast. It's so darn big that you can't even see the entire thing at once unless you take a few steps back and stand on a chair.
Sponsored Links (Part 1)
One neat trick that you won't believe. These hottest celebs are married to soccer players and they aren't wearing makeup. This is an incredible article.
Patch Notes: New Console Edition, System Reviews Are The Worst
The latest consoles aren't content with simply resembling PCs. They want to outdo them - by having way more patches.
BUYER BEWARE! The Ogco Face Mulcher Is A Surprisingly Dangerous Product
This thing's package is a cardboard box with edges that are VERY SHARP. It only took three minutes of vigorous rubbing before a wound appeared on my neck.
Obtaining A PlayStation 4 Without A Pre-Order
If you haven't already pre-ordered a PS4, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else will have all the fun and there won't be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
Objections From The Prosecution In The Trial Of Murderman
Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
Eldritch
In the interest of transparency, I am biased in favor of Eldritch. It's true. I'm super corrupt. The game flat out bribed me.
Build Your Own Standing Desk
Sitting at your computer for hours on end is unhealthy. It promotes bad posture, shifts all of your guts down into your belly button, and lowers your lifespan by an average of four to eighteen years.
A Whose Whom Of Doctor Who's
Within the fiction of the show, Doctor Who is an immortal "Time Wizard". He takes a nap when one actor departs and he wakes up with a new face as well as a slightly different personality. This process reminds me of my childhood dog, only it happens every few years rather than every six months.
Primo Bird Pranks
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly into its flight path.
ROMs And Abandonware: Know The Law!
It's legal to download a ROM and play it as much as you want, provided you delete it after 48 hours. If you have a valid doctor's note, however, you can keep the ROM on your hard drive for up to 72 hours.
What's New In Windows 8.1
Here's a fun Easter Egg: By default, the icon for every native Windows 8 application now depicts a YouTube personality making a very wacky face, often at an odd angle. To access this Easter Egg, look at an icon and see it.
Think You Know The Plot Of The Net 2.0? Prove It!
Hope Cassidy is a young computer hacker who prove her worth when she order a pizza using the internet. Ali Abay informs her by telegram that she has the job. While she is on the plane she suddenly meets a sky marshal who give her a champagne and a earring and we can see her computer screen while she is distracted says "YOU BEEN HACKED".
How Could The PlayStation 4 Fail?
When the PlayStation 3 launched, Sony was kind of a dick. Intoxicated by the fart vapors of their own success, they exuded arrogance and dismissiveness. "We are the best and this is our next console", the company's executives seemed to say while smoking behind a 7-11 and pushing little kids to the ground.
Please Return To Enemy Pasture Online!
You stopped playing Enemy Pasture Online when the amazing features that lured you in gave way to the repetition and deliberate time wasting that plague all MMOs. Things have changed! Now everyone has a holo-firework kit and can do a /twerk dance.
New TV Show Roundup For Fall 2013
Do you wish there were more network shows about adults interacting with their wacky parents? Are your favorite Seth McFarlane jokes the ones that are so lazy and blatantly sexist/homophobic/racist that they couldn't POSSIBLY be sexist, homophobic, or racist? Please eat an entire set of silverware then crawl into a trash compactor.
Frank Opinion's Hardest-Hitting Editorials
Frank Opinion is an internationally syndicated columnist covering hot-button issues. His controversial editorial style holds nothing back. Opinion's views do not represent those of Something Awful or its parent company, FedoraSingles.com.
Valve's SteamOS, Grand Theft Auto V
SteamOS will be free, but it will be adopted at a far greater rate when it goes on a daily sale for 75% off.
A Review Of The Grand Theft Auto V Press Review Kit
If IGN and Gamespot are The New York Times and The Guardian of video game coverage, Something Awful is a scabby stray dog that will happily eat any newspaper it comes across. We make jokes and our game reviews don't have an impact on the highly scientific numbers at Metacritic so we technically don't even exist.
True Tales Of Apple Store Bullying
"This is our company policy," he explained with a sinister laugh. "We never fix anything or help anyone. Standard procedure is to humiliate people and break their things until they leave us alone. I am stomping on your laptop."
Stretch Goals For Star Citizen
A modern space combat sim from the creator of Wing Commander couldn't be more popular if it featured zombies and randomly generated blocks covered in horrible pixel textures.
The Horrors Of Total War: Rome II
I am a veteran of the Total Wars. In my time as a commander in Napoleonic France and feudal Japan I have seen men and empires and tree models alike wink out of existence. For all the cruel acts I have observed and contributed to, nothing compares to the horrors I have encountered in Rome.
What Is A Video Game?
A video game is a reminder that you should be careful while staring into the abyss, lest you become a monster yourself.
Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of The Murdered Man
Originally published in the May 1893 issue of Cricket And Ornamental Tobacco Pipes Monthly, The Case Of The Murdered Man is easily the most terrible Sherlock Holmes story ever written.
A World Without Cronuts
On the horizon, a great and hungry fire sweeps across a hillside. The blaze has consumed everything in its path for weeks. Firefighters can only evacuate potential victims or watch helplessly, as they have no cronuts with which to smother the flames.
Ben Affleck As Daredevil Will Be A Terrible Batman
Anyone who has seen Daredevil knows that getting Ben Affleck to play Batman while in character as Daredevil is a huge mistake. We've been waiting so long for a proper Batman/Superman movie, and now it's doomed.
How To Tell Gone Home And Divinity: Dragon Commander Apart
With Gone Home and Divinity: Dragon Commander releasing within days of one another, how are consumers supposed to tell these remarkably similar games apart?
Welcome To The Takedown Area
Hey, Elon Musk! Your name sounds like a ghostbuster. Your ghostbuster super power would be coming up with bad ideas and being a billionaire.
Say "Handyman" Three Times In A Mirror
If you need home repairs done but you don't have enough money to hire a licensed contractor who actually knows what they're doing, call me!
We've Nearly Killed All The Dudes, Shadowrun Returns Reviewed
You don't have to read our Shadowrun Returns review with a headjack and high level security access to the matrix, but it can't hurt.
Fez 2 Wasn't The Only Game Canceled Under Bizarre Circumstances
No one would get to play Metal Gear Solid V, because everyone had been bad and they should have felt very sorry. It was such a great game, too, lamented Kojima, shaking his head sadly while addressing a room full of anvils suspended over chairs.
These Ain't Your Daddy's "This Ain't Your Daddy's" Jokes
This ain't your daddy's autograph. Look at the loops. Look closer, dude. Those loops are hella controlled. I am a professional handwriting analyst and I am telling you that your daddy's loops are wild and sprawling. I've been examining your daddy's signature for years.
Patch Notes: The Last Of Us, The Raven - Legacy Of A Master Thief Reviewed
Will The Last Of Us ever be the same without a /dance command? Is The Raven the most pure and enjoyable adventure game of the last decade? You'll never know unless you read on. Or guess correctly.
Has Technology Gone Too Far???
You stop, unable to pass until you have answered the McDonald's clown's three riddles and sworn fealty to his cause. The Xbox One awards your compliance with an Achievement, then passes a 3D recording of the last ten minutes to the NSA and its advertising partners.
A Complete Glossary Of Comic Book Condition Abbreviations
MSD - Minor sledgehammer damage.
Sneak Peek: The Jurassic Park 4 Trailer
After lingering in development hell for more than a decade, Jurassic Park 4 is set for a 2015 release. We're proud to present an exclusive first look at the film's trailer.
International Censorship
The Walking Dead's zombies were remodeled as robots for the German release. All the humans? Turned into dogs, and their dialog was re-recorded as barking.
You Can't Take Superman Anywhere
Superman seems like the ultimate friend. In truth, he is the most embarrassing person you could possibly be seen in public with.
If Films Were Reviewed Like Video Games
The camera never falls over during a scene. Actors are always in frame. The film runs at a steady 24fps with very few frame drops. Since World War Z has a big enough budget to ensure that it doesn't have any glaring mistakes, we're happy to say that it will score at least a 7/10.
Master Of The Recorder, God Among Men
I didn't always want to play the recorder. In fact, it was the last instrument I wanted any part of, as it carried a certain reputation that I was eager to avoid. My studies were very important to me, and I couldn't afford to get distracted by all the romantic attention that the recorder would attract.
A Most Magnificent Ship
Aye, by all accounts she was lovely. Th' most magnificent vessel ever constructed by human hands, or so they say. Her hull was crafted from th' finest porcelain. Thin as a deckhand's willpower on shore leave in Sexy Gambler's Cove, it was.
Microsoft's Policy Reversal, A Month Of Exclusion
If you're a fan of elbowing people out of this growing medium through acts of selfishness, grossness, and gleeful aggression, this was an awesome month.
Rejected Mac Pro Designs
It's sleek. It's elegant. It draws inspiration from a variety of muses, from hotel trash cans to e-cigs and keychain flashlights. It could have been worse.
E3 Plans, Deus Ex: Unnecessary Tablet Edition, Gunpoint
What are our plans for this year's E3? Why did anyone think the Deus Ex and Halo tablet games would be a good idea? Why is Gunpoint so refreshing? Why are all these sentences taking the form of questions?
If You Pick Up On The Subtext, The Rocky Movies Are About Punching
A viewing of the Rocky films will entertain you with larger than life characters vacillating between every social class in America. At one point there's even a robot butler. If you watch closely, though, you'll realize that far below the surface a deeper meaning is being put forth by the creators: Punching.
Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Bought A Giant Mech As My First Car
I won't exactly call it buyer's remorse. Not yet, at least. I'm just starting to realize that a sentient 80 foot tall murder robot comes with more baggage than I had considered.
Dissecting The Destiny Trailer, Struggling To Find Hope For The Wii U
The Wii U may be on the ropes, but Nintendo can take solace in the fact that it isn't the Xbox One.
Xbox One Buzzwords Explained
"Groundbreaking," said just about everyone that took the stage. As far as I can tell, the Xbox One is groundbreaking because it is new. Being a new thing also makes it the "future of interactive entertainment".
Folk Heroes Of The Internet Frontier
Onward they rode, into the vast unknown. Many were wizened hardcases, their skin leathery from hard years doing what it took to survive the no man's land of BBSes, their eyes permanently squinted against the glow of phantom green text. The majority were fresh faced youths eager for adventure, as if anything good ever came from such folly.
Today's Top Sport Move Plays
That's team captain Andy Chipwich standing near the pool shirtless without crossing his arms in front of his torso to cover his supple breasts. He doesn't even suck in his stomach! Another stunning play by Andy.
What Is The Meaning Of This Face?
We will talk about another face later on, but for now I'd like to focus on this remarkable face. It does not belong to a microcephalic lucha libre wrestler or an especially unkind caricature of legendary Broncos quarterback John Elway. You're looking at the face of Batman.
World Of Warcraft Subscriptions Drop, OUYA Update, MOBAs Are Sort Of Dumb
World Of Warcraft only has 8.3 million subscribers, down from its peak of 12 million. Nine years after its release, it has ashamed everyone by only raking in most of the money in the world every month rather than all of it.
Punching Through Walls Should Always Be An Option
A man was recently paid actual money to speak on the behalf of an entire company, hoping to improve its fortunes with this proclamation about the near future: "It will no longer be acceptable to walk into a room where you can't punch a hole in the wall".
The Xbox Reveal, Gearbox Buys Homeworld, New Link To The Past
We now know that Microsoft will hold an event to officially announce the next Xbox on May 21st. Well, technically we don't know that for sure. They could be announcing the return of Microsoft Bob.
Help Me Remember The Name Of This Movie
As a kid I would turn on cable tv late at night and somehow manage to always catch the same weird movie. Bits and pieces of this film have been popping into my head lately, but not enough to identify what it was called. If I can't figure out what the heck this mystery movie was it's going to drive me insane. Maybe you can help?
You're Out Of Touch With Music, Old Timer
It happens so quickly. One day you're right in the epicenter of cool music, rocking out to 30 Seconds To Mars, and the next day you supposedly have terrible taste.
Timely Reviews Of Windows 95 Software
This is easily the most comprehensive and user-friendly skeleton program that I have ever used. Not to be confused with the inferior 3D skeleton software Inferior 3D Skeleton, Ultimate 3D Skeleton is a terrific resource for true skeleton connoisseurs.
Patch Notes: Defiance
Defiance is a sci-fi third person RPG shooter with big insects and grubby clothes and ATVs that can be summoned at any time out of thin air, as God intended.
Transmissions From Hamburger Island
You know me to be a man of science. Standing on this shore of burgers, though, knowing that I am among the first humans to lay my eyes upon such majesty? For the first time in my life I understand the appeal of surrendering to the inscrutable machinations of a higher power.
These Cancelled Games Might Have Saved LucasArts
They could have released all of their classics on Steam or Good Old Games and drowned in a sea of money. Didn't happen. Why? Who knows! The little dude in the LucasArts logo, as it turned out, was either shrugging or waving both hands toward an unknowable point in the future when they would work on something worthwhile.
Multiple Sentence Review: BioShock Infinite
BioShock Infinite has a clear vision, and that vision is brought to life with a world that's an absolute pleasure to gawk at while munching on stolen cotton candy and shaking your head at racists.
Common Reasons For Returned Purchases At The Dynamite Store
This stick of dynamite kept rolling off the bread. Yes, I suppose a hot dog bun would have held it in place better, but if I had hot dog buns why would I need the dynamite in the first place?
Maybe It's Time To Cool Off On The Last Samurai Sequels
The Last Samurai was a solid epic, rarely missing the mark when it veered from reality to become thoughtful or entertaining. Having said that, ten years have passed since the film's release and in that time we've had nearly a dozen follow-ups. This is certain to be an unpopular opinion, but I think the series has worn out its welcome.
SimCity: Launch Woes And Perplexing Political Statements
The launch of SimCity has been... interesting? Disastrous? Obvious to everyone at the exact moment they found out it was going to require a constant connection to EA's servers? Entirely avoidable? Let's go with interesting.
Advice For First-Time Haunted House Buyers
Leaving your haunted apartment behind and moving into your first haunted home is a momentous, life-changing transition. It's also a big investment, not only in terms of money but in the years and possibly decades that you will spend in the new house. As you shop for the perfect haunted house, remember these important tips.
If You're Stuck Beneath Bedsheets That Are Too Tight, You Don't Have To Die
The average person becomes hopelessly stuck five times a day, requiring the help of a loved one or an emergency responder. What if there's no one around the next time you get stuck? And what if your phone isn't at hand, or you have terrible reception, or the cell phone you bought is actually a bar of chocolate with terrible reception?
Assassin's Creed IV, Eve Online Milestone, A Farewell To 1UP
Get the latest details on Assassin's Creed IV, Eve Online's latest milestone, and say goodbye to 1UP.com.
The Found Schedule Of A Found Footage Film Festival
Thirty days ago, Nathan Mueller decided to organize a festival for fans and creators of found footage films. Over the following weeks Nathan's behavior became erratic. He kept odd hours, alienated friends, and engaged in increasingly irrational behavior.
Everything You Need To Know About The PlayStation 4 Unveiling
Didn't set aside two and a half hours of your life to watch Sony's unveiling of the PlayStation 4 earlier this week? I've got you covered. I had nothing better to do. In fact, there was so much free time on my hands that I watched the entire event at 1/4th speed.
How Far We've Come
The first cell phones were little more than curiosities.More distracting than useful, they wasted time and led owners to be remarkably inconsiderate. They had unreliable coverage and required you to deal with predatory phone companies. Now you can buy a bunch of apps.
Gearbox Lied Aliens Died, System Shock 2, PS4 Controller Rumors
If you were to claim that Aliens: Colonial Marines was a terrible mess of a game with very few redeeming qualities, I would wonder why you were being so generous
Pizza Is Far Healthier Than Vegetables
Every time I eat pizza, I find myself realizing that at that exact moment I have lived longer than at any other point in my life. The tasty Italian treat is a miraculous health elixir. It's a wonder food.
My Bloody Valentine's New Album Is Full Of Surprises
As surprising as the existence of m b v itself may be, many of the creative decisions that went into the album are every bit as unexpected. I don’t profess to know a whole lot about My Bloody Valentine, but even I was caught off guard on my first listen.
All Hail The King Of Good Games Journalism
Congratulations to Ben Kuchera of the Penny Arcade Report. When no one was paying attention, he ascended to the throne, assuming his rightful place as the King Of Good Games Journalism. His first act? To call for the ruination of another writer.
A Routine Checkup
Your lab results from last week's physical just came in, and there were some... unexpected abnormalities. Everything seemed fine during the exam. Remember how you breezed through the hula hoop exercise and drank the quart of milk in record time? You appeared to be in tip-top shape.
The World Needs More Nonsensical Games With Music Artists
Rhythm games are all but dead at this point. Good riddance, I say. I'm not interested in music acts being treated properly, their work integrated with gameplay in a way that makes a modicum of sense. I want to see artists getting shoehorned into video games for practically no reason at all. I want more games like these.
Making Sense Of All Those Confusing Butter Labels
You just want to buy a stick of butter for your family. Unfortunately, there are so many buzzwords and misleading labels that your head gets to spinning. You're left in the fetal position in the dairy aisle, your nose bleeding, a cell phone in your hand as you whisper to your family that there will not be dinner tonight or ever again.
Video Game Championship Wrestling
Why a clumsy match between AI controlled wrestlers might be the most fun thing you'll watch this week.
Escape From The Lair Of The Evil Devil
As I hiked my way through the old pine woods, the sky grew mysteriously overcast. Within moments I found myself caught in a brutal drizzle of mildly cool rain. Calling upon my extensive knowledge as an outdoorsman, I knew that I only had ten minutes to seek shelter and get out of the sprinkle before my body would shut down and die.
Thank Goodness For Hero Dog
Driven by compassion and bravery, one amazing pooch has become the savior of our small town. He's a better person than any of us - or our kids - will ever be.
Minecraft Sells Like Hot Jaffa Cakes, The Old Republic Adds Same-Sex Romance, End Of The PS2
It's our first news roundup of the year! Find out what's going on with the Ouya and the PS2, prepare for love in The Old Republic, and marvel at Minecraft's ability to sell a hobbled port of a three year old game to a shitload of people.
Comic Book Pop Quiz: What's Spider-Man Been Up To?
I'm going to present you with a few Spider-Man storylines. Only one of them is the real deal, an actual plot that took place in the pages of a Spider-Man comic book within the last ten years. The remaining arcs are fakes. Can you spot the genuine storyline?
