The Super Bowl Halftime Show Has Not Gone Far Enough
It's one of the biggest music events of the year. It's clumsy, overbearing, shallow, nonsensical, nationalistic, and devoid of live music being played or words being sung out loud. It's the Super Bowl halftime show, and it's our country's way of opening a hotel room door in The Shining.
Things To Shout From The Top Of Mount Everest
"What the? That one over there is taller! And it's got a slide!"
The Video Game Heist Of The Century, Dark Souls II, Don't Buy The War Z
The daring Nintendo robbery, Dark Souls II may or may not be for babies, The War Z guys are jerks that you should not give money to, and Forbes discovers the most amazing Kickstarter game to date.
Unnecessary Movie Twists
At the end of The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne has finally escaped from prison. He emerges from the pressing filth of a tunnel and lifts his face to the falling rain, his arms outstretched as if to embrace the open world before him.
Know Your Local Gang Colors!
Not having been stabbed by a gang member is easily one of my greatest accomplishments. People who know me well often tell me that it's my defining characteristic. When they think of me, which is rare, it's the only thing that comes to mind. What's my secret?
Exclusive First Review Of BioShock Infinite
We've scooped the competition! Months before anyone else will deliver their verdict, we rate BioShock Infinite in a review based entirely upon the game's cover!
Worse Names For An NBA Team Than The New Orleans Pelicans
If all goes according to plan (an awful, terrible, plan) the New Orleans Hornets are going to become the New Orleans Pelicans. This bold move is one of self-sacrifice, immediately taking the Washington Wizards and Toronto Raptors off the hook for having the dumbest team names in the NBA.
Check Out My Cyber Monday Haul
To be honest, Cyber Monday has always struck me as a very dumb thing with an equally dumb name. After all, given our cyber-driven world shouldn't every day be Cyber Monday? Also, why isn't there a White Cyber Monday?
The Best Travel Advice You Will Ever Read On A Site With A Grenade In Its Logo
Traveling is probably the best way to go to a place. I'd be hard pressed to think of a better way to get somewhere. The only problem is that traveling requires you to do things and make decisions from time to time. Sure, it's a hassle, but don’t give up just yet!
PlanetSide 2, Walking Dead, Hitman: Absolution
PlanetSide 2 launches, Wii U games get reviewed, and PC gamers who don't use gamepads for third person action games are bad, dumb people.
Questionable Lines From The Lincoln Movie
"Let me get this straight: It's the world's biggest diamond, in a safe owned by none other than Robert E. Lee? Of course I'm in on this heist."
The Gangnam Style Dance Will Never Stop Being News
PSY has taught his dance to people on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, The Today Show, Extra, Saturday Night Live, a Formula One race, and most recently in a concert with Madonna. There's no end in sight, and we're happy to file a report every single time PSY teaches the dance to someone new!
One Paragraph News
VGA has been pretty uneven, so instead of mangling one idea in each installment we're going to cover several of the week's biggest news stories and screw them all up in unique ways.
Identifying The Superhero That Saved Your Life
Was your hero's mask made of transparent plastic? That would be Blown Cover Lass. Her considerable strength is fueled by rage and bafflement over the fact that so many people know her secret identity.
The Most Costly Mistakes In Survivor History
Michael Skupin promised his team that he would provide food. After a week they caught on to his lie, realizing that the plates he handed them only contained imaginary steaks. To make matters worse, an emotional Skupin admitted that the steaks were laced with imaginary poison.
Worst Possible Uses For The Wii U GamePad
Use the screen to lovingly examine the scalp of every athlete on your team. Tap to increase the zoom level as you pick through each hair follicle. Eat any ticks and grubs that you come across. Now your team is ready for the big game!
Productive Corvosations
A can of food! I brush past the chatty woman, focusing on the container. It's some sort of processed whale. I inhale the whole thing at once. It flies off the floor, spinning in the air as it enters my face.
The Hidden Messages In Snoop Lion's "Pocket Like It's Hot" Video
After performing in the entertainment industry for decades as Snoop Dogg, a man experienced a profound spiritual enlightenment. He found Jah, and through his newfound rastafarianism, was reborn as Snoop Lion. Now he has a music video for microwaveable snacks.
McCarthy Hearing Questions From Cooler Universes
"Sir, is it in fact your testimony that a large man on a pony can outrun a regular sized man with rollerskates? Keep in mind that you are under oath."
What If XCom: Enemy Unknown Had Been Oversimplified?
Suppose the game had been approached with no regard for the original, every decision reached by appealing to the broadest audience possible. What would that have looked like?
New TV Show Roundup For Fall 2012!
This fall has enough promising ideas and spectacular failures to suit anyone's taste. Well, just about anyone's taste. There still isn't a reality series documenting Terry Gilliam's ongoing efforts to make a Don Quixote movie.
Stuck In A Kitchen Cupboard And Loving It
An interview with the woman who is the new face of being stuck in a kitchen cupboard.
Multiple Sentence Review: Torchlight II
If it's inevitable that comparisons will be made between Torchlight II and the Diablo series once again, I might as well give it a shot: This is what Diablo 3 could have been if Blizzard had focused on fun just a little bit more.
Using The ESRB To Understand Human Passion
Through the ESRB's detached, nearly alien explanations of the events that take place in video games, I believe that we have the most insightful perspective on what it means for a human being to make love.
The Audiophile's Guide To A Perfect Stereo Setup
You claim to enjoy music. Shouldn't you listen to it in the best possible conditions, regardless of how much it will cost or how terrible your taste may be?
Technical Support For The Eddie Murphy Role Playing System
Having a problem with The Eddie Murphy Role Playing System or one of its critically acclaimed modules (Crimson Lords Of The Undertide Crater, The Secret Treasure Of Captain Boss Killingblow, Mega Troll Invasion)?
Ten Four, Good Buddy
When two truckers discover a magical device that allows them to speak to one another even though they are far apart, nothing will ever be the same.
The World's Most Sarcastic Hero Visits An Item Shop
Strutting into the cozy shop, the hero flashed an insincere smile and sighed. He shook his head while surveying the shelves that had been meticulously stocked. Gingerly plucking one item up with two fingers as if it was a poison-covered bugbear turd, he turned to the shopkeeper.
Daily Miracle Tips For A Healthier And Happier You!
Some people say that the guests on my television show are predatory snake oil salesmen, that I abandon my ethics every time I stand before an audience of displaced Oprah fans and shill for pseudo-science while proclaiming that western medicine is closed-minded. Others have not seen the show.
Kickstarter Peripheral Roundup
The best part of Pizza 3000 is that it almost tastes like pizza and can be concealed under pretty much any hat when folded.
The Sloth: Nature's Lion
If you have not experienced the pleasure of seeing a sloth, your life is incomplete. The beast itself is essentially an out-of-shape monkey with a weird neck and dumb face. Shaggy Chewbacca-like hair covers its entire body like a bad wig.
A World Without Music
Imagine, if you will, what our world would be like if music had never existed.
Cavemen And Dinosaurs
People are burning down the cities in which they live. Blind rage compels them to turn on one another. They drop to their knees in the rubble-strewn streets and claw at their own flesh as they moan, unseeing eyes rolling back into their heads. The outcry for a modern video game about cavemen and dinosaurs is tearing apart humanity as we know it.
In Defense Of My Incredible Science
Ladies and gentlemen of the board. Greetings. Mom, Dad, thank you for showing up. Your "We Love You" banner does not come anywhere near the measurements that I specified. Holy shit, you guys. Not even close. Still, your hearts are in the right place, and I reluctantly acknowledge that.
What Makes Guild Wars 2 Unique?
Guild Wars 2 is almost here, and from what I've been able to play it seems like something special. The game feels very different, not only compared to the original Guild Wars, but in relation to pretty much every MMO out there. What sets it apart?
Super Friend Hotline
You have reached the Super Friend Hotline, where all the loneliest superheroes are pretty much just sitting around and awaiting your friendship. Listen to our eager heroes introduce themselves, then press a number on your touch-tone phone to connect with your favorite one now!
Golf Cart Safety Lesson
While the cart is in motion, keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle - unless there is something that you really want to grab or kick. For instance, a bodacious cake shaped like a tight butt falls out of the sky, or a different cake descends, this one in the form of a soccer ball.
Make These Skyrim Mods For Me
When butterflies in Skyrim can pass the Turing Test, I will be happy. I guess this might be more involved than a normal mod so you should probably have experience with html.
The Robot Buddy Assault Complaint Questionnaire
Individuals who claim to have been physically attacked by their loyal Robot Buddy must fill out this form before matters can proceed. This will undoubtedly be a very stressful time, given your frail and unpredictable human emotions. With that in mind, please fill out the form with the assistance of your Robot Buddy.
Keeping Up With Jack White's Projects
Jack White is the busiest man in music. The guy has been involved in efforts of every shape and size, from bizarre ICP collaborations to full bands and solo albums. Good for him, bad for people that only have a few hours each day to keep track of everything he's making.
The Living Legacy Of Wild Wild West
It's hard to believe that nearly thirteen years have passed since Wild Wild West captured the imaginations of moviegoing audiences worldwide. Now the film only lives in our memories. It spreads from person to person, around campfires and on impromptu stages by traveling play actors.
Power Gamer's Analysis Of Classic Mario Power-Ups
Big Guy Mushroom - Makes you a big guy. Being bigger makes you more of a target. Avoid this power-up at all costs.
Ask A Dinosaur!
In a delightfully immoral and illegal secret facility, nearly a dozen breeds of dinosaurs have successfully been cloned. By nearly a dozen I mean eleven. Exactly eleven.
A Plague Of Day Z Stories
Day Z is a heck of a thing. With a unique emphasis on survival and the specter of permadeath constantly hanging over your head, a few minutes with this ARMA 2 mod can be more memorable than the entirety of a modern explosion-filled FPS campaign.
Stan Lee's Greatest Cameo Performances
The guy created some of the most memorable comic book characters of all time. He can appear in as many ill-considered movie scenes as he wants. Besides, his cameos aren't always dumb. Sometimes they're surprisingly great.
The Ultimate July 4th Playlist
Want to have the most patriotic and fun July 4th celebration of all time? Load this playlist into your Zune! Please note that this will only work on a Zune.
Coming To Terms With Your Gross Decaying Body
Although we all have our own weird body issues, we're mostly fine. Really, we are - as long as we keep reasonably active, eat food that isn't entirely plastic, and apply at least one basic grooming tool to ourselves every few days. Until we hit our late twenties and early thirties, that is. Then all bets are off.
Phrases That Will Get You Slapped In Slap City
Pardon me. I'm here from out of town with my kids, and I just have to ask. What's the significance of this city's name?
Two Changes That Would Fix Star Wars: The Old Republic
As The Old Republic condenses its servers and considers moving toward a free-to-play model, I am going to humbly suggest two changes that would turn the entire game around. There would still be lots of little issues, of course, but these two things would get me to come back to the game for many months to come.
Things Used To Be So Much Better
It seems to me that things just aren't the same as they used to be. Where did the good things go? Why is everything so scary and weird? It was all so much better before.
Get To Know Your Professional Wrestling Match Types
Custom Deathmatch: Low gravity. Instant respawns. Quad damage pickups. No pistols or sniper rifles. Round ends at 50 frags.
E3 Answers: What Is A Video Game?
Being told to "Move!" or "Run!" or "Hurry!" down a narrow path which must not be veered from. While all sorts of things happen around you. Things that look like they would be really fun to interact with, if you weren't so busy running and being yelled at.
A Routine Day For Steven Seagal's Stunt Coordinator
We will fill a plastic cup with ice cream, and attach that to a mannequin's hand. A crewman will lay on the ground and manipulate the arm as if it is yours. He will ineffectually bump the cup against your entire face for about a minute while your soundalike makes exaggerated chewing noises into a microphone.
If You Don't Mind I'm Just Going To Be A Barbarian From Here On Out
In a few days I will burn all of my clothes and possessions. I will don a loincloth, thick fur boots and wristguards. An x-shaped leather harness will hug my manly torso, fastening one sheath on my back for a broad two-handed sword and another on my chest for a MacBook.
Why Do People Still Like Sephiroth?
Sephiroth comes from a machine mom. His mother is so dimly lit and full of rusty pipes that it makes him super sad. This, as far as I can tell, is the extent of his character.
Sports Rulebook Madness
In an ongoing effort to keep their products safe, fair, and enjoyable, professional sports leagues update their rulebooks every year. These changes don't always stick. In fact, some rules are so disastrous that they don't even last through an entire season.
How To Become Campfire Guitar Guy
Do you have what it takes to become Campfire Guitar Guy? You're not sure? Good. Having an insecurity that you'd like to hide is the first step.
I Am The Best Computer User In The World
I was more than happy to keep this to myself. For years I conducted my operations in stealth mode, my talents known only by the select few who occupied the upper echelons of computer expertise. Then, as the internet grew exponentially, so did the hollow bragging from pretenders to the throne.
The Diablo Story: A Highly Accurate Recap From Memory
In which I recall the entire story of the Diablo series for your benefit, completely by memory. This will go well.
Like Galileo Dropped The Orange
How in the world did they make the leap from Licensed To Ill to Paul's Boutique? It was insane. Like "barely able to touch the basketball rim on your first jump, then accidentally leaping into the sun on the next try" insane.
Multiple Sentence Review: The Walking Dead
Sometimes you come to a chapter break in a book or a movie's end credits and you blink, remembering your surroundings. It's very rare for me to lose myself in a video game in such a way. It happened with Grim Fandango, Psychonauts, Portal, the Half-Life games, and now The Walking Dead.
Incredible And Bizarre Filmmaking Techniques
Making a movie look good is more complicated than setting up some lighting, pointing a camera in the right direction, and hoping that no ugly people walk into frame. The most common tricks of the trade would seem outlandish to most people outside the industry.
The Forgotten Permutations Of Green Day
Green Day did not change overnight, but evolved over two decades. Most of these permutations went largely unnoticed or vanished from our collective memory, but they were important nonetheless.
Full Metal Something
I arrived for basically training with the other sorta soldiers, our inner tubes depositing us roughly near the camp-like facility. Some inner tubes passed the dock, drifting down the river and over the horizon, their passengers and the officers ashore shrugging at one another.
On Skeletons And CRPGs
We tend to get caught up with flavor of the month bad guys. Nazis. Zombies. Robots. Non-white people in deserts. From the very beginning, though, the unassuming skeleton man has been there for us.
The Hot Dog Pizza Procurement Zone FAQ
Welcome to the hot dog pizza procurement zone. You may be experiencing some confusion and early signs of a dissociative disorder. This is normal. We have provided this document to help you along in your attempt to obtain a pizza with hot dogs baked into the crust.
We Didn't Land On Grimrock, We Fell In
The only thing you need to know about Legend Of Grimrock is that you can drag any item into the middle of the screen to throw it. That item will not slope downward, and will not stop until it hits a wall or a bad guy's nose.
Stop Putting These Enemies In Games
There is a fine line between enemies that present a challenge and those that are simply annoying. Actually, that's a lie. The line is pretty wide. Think about the gap between our fantasies when we first heard about motion controls and the horrible reality that came to pass. It's that wide.
Poetry Generator Pro
From the makers of the award-winning Award Creator Deluxe comes the next step forward in computer generated poetry: Poetry Generator Pro! Now it's easier than ever to turn your favorite memories into actual poems - without the hassle of writing poetry yourself.
Internet Guy Solves Everything
Internet Guy can be seen arguing below YouTube videos, following various internet articles with comments like "cute... im surprised this place is still going so many years after it stopped being relevant", and begging celebrities whose work he pirates to follow or RT him on Twitter.
What Will Be Music's Next Great Gimmick?
The Talk Box. Heavy drops. Multiple drum sets playing the same thing. Chainsaw guitars. Brian Setzer. The next gimmick is always just around the corner in the music industry, waiting for its all-too-brief moment in the spotlight.
Giant Bomb: Worst Case Scenario
While Giant Bomb's editors seem pretty optimistic their acquisition by CBSi, there are still a lot of doubtful people out there. For those fans, what follows is the worst case scenario.
A Few Dumb Moments In Mass Effect 3
If you play RPGs to take on a character, this series finale makes perfect sense if your role was Inscrutable Turret Man.
Know Your Comics: Guys With Big Heads
I do not claim to be a comic book expert, but I do imply it and ask that you treat my words with all the respect that such a lofty title commands.
Things That Will Probably Happen In Assassin's Creed III
Now we know that the inevitable Assassin's Creed III will be set in America during the Revolutionary War. I'll be there on day one with everyone else, but in the meantime how about some predictions?
Windows 8 Preview
After spending some time with the recently released preview build of Windows 8, I have some insightful, brilliant thoughts.
We Love To Watch Shows About People Not Knowing Things
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant is a television program in which human beings relate actual tales of stealth fetuses that did not make their presence known until they dropped a smoke bomb and rappelled out of the womb.
When Movies Elevate Music
Every now and then, film turns a piece of music into something far more memorable than it would be on its own. Consider the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs accompanied by 'Stuck In The Middle With You' by Stealers Wheel, or the chilling use of the Jaws theme in Jaws 3D.
The Fastest-Growing Career Fields
The world economy has found its way into a bit of a catastrophic hell vortex, shredding the muscles and guts from our bodies and leaving us all screaming skeletons. Metaphorically.
Reasons For Buying A Vita
Aside from some nice hardware and a software lineup that dutifully checks all the boxes in the portable PlayStation launch checklist, the pricey unit isn't exactly turning heads. So why would someone buy a Vita?
The Conversation That No One Wants To Have With Their Parents
Hey, kiddo. Mind if we come in? Your mom and I would like to have a little chat with you. It's... an announcement? No, I suppose that's not the right word for it.
How To Beat Up An Entire Football Team By Yourself
Start the fight by running along a wall in slow motion and kicking one guy in the face. Try to get his head to spin around and spray a fine mist of sweat into the air. Land with your back to everyone else, slowly turning your head to smirk over your shoulder.
There's Still Room For Mass Effect 3 To Seem Even Dumber
Somewhere in the core of Mass Effect is the promise of a nuanced adventure in a detailed sci-fi universe. Unfortunately, that promise has largely been swept aside in codex entries and overheard NPC conversations as the series tightens its desperate embrace of big, dumb action movie conventions.
Secrets Of Magic Exposed!
I wear a black ski mask at all times to hide my face. I carry a symbolic broken magic wand. My velvet cape has a large icon sewn across the back, a red circle with a line through it superimposed over a rabbit being removed from a top hat. They will never find me.
Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning: Demoing
Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning makes one hell of a weird first impression. If it was a dude introducing himself at a party, he would be wearing a silk dragon shirt, an inexplicable layer of dampness would cover his entire body, and the first words out of his mouth would be a quote from Stargate SG-1.
The Inevitable Batman Movie Reboot
With this summer's Dark Knight Rises, Christopher Nolan's take on Batman comes to an end. I humbly present my ideas for the reboot which is sure to follow. For instance, Two-Face Face-Off Face Race: Trading Faces.
Maintaining Your Stealth Bomber On A Shoestring Budget
Things are going well. Maybe you got a new job, or you received a few gift cards for Christmas, or you finally decided to cut the cable tv cord and get all your shows and movies online. Now you have some disposable income in your pocket, and suddenly that stealth bomber you've always wanted is within your price range.
Essential Gaming Accessories
After three bottles of Game Fuel, I noticed an improvement in my ability to eat ghosts and get high scores. I also noticed the sensation of my heart feeling cold and slowing down while my skin went numb all over.
Rewarding Heroism In The Old Republic
Doing the right thing is enough of a reward. Sometimes, however, you will find yourself quite surprised by the value that others place on your quietly heroic deeds.
