A Beginner's Guide To DOTA 2
The tower is death. The tower is divine retribution for all of the mistakes you've made in your life, from thinking it would be cool wear a scorpion jacket like Ryan Gosling's character in Drive to thinking it would be a good idea to go near the tower.
Music News That Should Have Happened In 2011
The International Criminal Court in The Hague ruled against LMFAO's 'Party Rock Anthem,' on the grounds that the crime against humanity did not actually include any rock in spite of its title. The song was forbidden from being sold, distributed, played, and referenced.
The Big Book Of Fantasy Novel Food Descriptions
Do you love the fantasy genre? Are you tired of laboring through hundreds of pages of world building and plot to get to your favorite parts, where characters eat, or think about eating, or look at food? Do you ever wish you could get right to the good stuff?
Meanwhile In Second Life
Standing at a podium in a large conference room, his hands neatly folded before him, Bruce Willis patiently waits. The seats before him - once filled with virtual members of actual press outlets who had hailed Second Life as a blazing beacon of the future of human interaction and business - sit unoccupied.
Ultra Stats Baseball Cards Might Have Too Many Stats
Favorite Italian Power Ranger - Giancarlo (the orange Ranger)
Making A Superman Game That Isn't Terrible
Problem: Superman is almost impossible to kill. Solution: Everyone has Kryptonite weapons and also Superman just ate a whole Krytonite cheesecake at the Kryptonite Cheesecake Factory.
Enjoy My Very Funny And Touching Sports Insight
Sometimes I am serious. You can tell it's a time when I'm serious when I speak like I'm begging a baby not to wake up, and because I concentrate real hard to make my self-satisfied grin go away so my face can look concerned.
The Musical Exploration Timeline
Age 4-12: I will literally listen to anything. Advertisements, television show theme songs (also, I love all television shows), children's movie soundtracks, even pop music. Give me all of it.
Thomas Edison, Inventor Of Jerkicity
When you think of Edison - as you so often do - you probably picture a smart, industrious guy that invented a bunch of stuff. That's all true, but every now and then you might also be reminded of how much of a colossal jerk he was.
Useless Treasure Hunting Equipment
There's nothing more comfortable than a dry pair of pants. Here's a moist pair of pants.
Skyrim's Overly Confident Bandits
Listen, don't try my patience. You have armor made from the bones of dragons you've personally killed. Your sword was forged by the greatest blacksmith in the land. I, however, would surely prevail because I am adorned in fur armor.
Prophets Of The First Internet Age
When a cult seeks knowledge from the ruins of their abandoned home world, they turn toward the first decades of the internet and the words of the person with the most forum posts.
Modern Warfare 3 Is Shockingly Transparent
I'm going to spoil the shit out of this. You should stop reading if you actually care about the 4 hour walk-forward-through-a-setpiece-explode-a-thon that is the single player campaign.
A Timeline Of The Penn State Self-Implosion
ESPN informs us that some of the victims will "probably" remember their sexual abuse for the rest of their lives. Probably. Some people are good at remembering stuff and some people aren't. This is one of those things that might be important enough to stick around in your head longer than a few hours. Then again, it might not. Fascinating!
Pivotal Moments In Monster Truck History
After debate, compromise, and collaboration with its fellow representatives, Grave Digger signs the Constitution. To celebrate the occasion, it drives backwards and forwards over a row of drably colored British Cadillacs and Impalas.
I Will Survive In The Wilderness With Nothing But Video Game Collector's Editions
I don't plan on being attacked, as nothing can possibly see me if I crouch and keep a distance of at least ten feet. If I'm in the wild for a prolonged period, however, I will need to hunt for food. With a full quiver of Lord Of Rings War In The North arrows, I should be able to take down a lion of a decent enough size to keep me fed for weeks.
Pandas Will Make World Of Warcraft Dumb? Really?
A lot of people seem to think that with the introduction of Pandaren as the next playable race, World Of Warcraft has become too ridiculous. Cries of "Blizzard jumped the shark this time!" and "Pandas just don't fit into the game!" have sprung up everywhere that people like to complain. Which means across the entire internet.
Plays Within Plays
Getting the facts wrong is more helpful in an investigation than you'd think. Many a case has been solved at the outset by reading everything I had written about a suspect aloud, letting them correct me on every detail, including the line that said "did not commit the murder".
Treasures That Shouldn't Be Featured In Uncharted 4
I'd like to suggest that the Naughty Dog team avoids the following treasures for their next game, as I really enjoy Uncharted and would hate to see it get even more stupid than the monster people and terrible final boss fights that have taken big smelly dumps on the first two games.
Roger Ebert's Caption Crusade
Roger Ebert is a tremendously smart and talented man, capable of expressing tremendous insight with an easygoing writing style. Which makes his terrible New Yorker comic captions all the more puzzling.
How Arrested Development Could Go Terribly Wrong
Two words: Laugh track. Three more words: Two laugh tracks. Combine them and you get: Three concurrent laugh tracks.
Hank Williams Jr. Answers Your Questions!
Sting ended up getting mad at me one night because I did a skinfart on his forearm (the one he plays sweet bass with) and he put two enormous holes in the hood of my Hankmobile with his chompers. Dude's got incisors like a hippo. Don't fuck with him.
Why Must Orcs Die?
Having green skin is a capital offense in Georgia, which you would already know if you saw the finale of the Hulk television series. Why should this impact Orcs that live outside the state? As it turns out, a century old zoning error expanded Georgia's jurisdiction across all fictional realms.
Diablo III Beta Impressions
Blizzard rarely makes mistakes, which made it all the more surprising when they invited me to join the press beta for Diablo III.
Your Guide To Fall's New TV Shows
Fall is upon us, and you know what that means. No, not a seasonal change accompanied by the fluttering of red and gold leaves through crisp air that compels you to snuggle up in a blanket and sip hot cocoa from the ear canal of a loved one. It means it's time to read a middling internet humorist's take on Fall's new shows.
Misinformed Tech News Roundup
My sources have confirmed that the iPhone 5 is on the way, and that it will have a little face with pudgy cheeks that you can pinch. Everyone's favorite device is now cuter, and it has a tiny button nose that wiggles. Future revisions may include big blue eyes that sparkle and wink.
In The Grim Future Of Terminator 2, There Are No Google Maps
Susan and I plan on groaning on the floor of the cave all morning, our gaunt faces blank, the detached expressions of those who with little time left and less to live for. We'll try to get out of here early, swing by the supply shack to pick up some party hats and punch (do you need punch?) and arrive a little early to help you set up.
Patch Notes: Dead Island
Sure, we accidentally released an old version of the game at launch, then asked everyone to re-download the whole thing only to realize that this time we had uploaded a DVD rip of Robocop 3. You, however, stood by us.
Psychoanalysis In The Mushroom Kingdom
Luigi is an all around good guy that has lived through some heavy shit. He is world weary and alone. He braves haunted mansions while hating himself for being too weak to confront his own personal ghosts. Rather than supporting his brother from a healthy distance, Luigi shadows Mario and lives vicariously through his failures and victories.
The ABCs Of Music
F is for Frankie Goes To Hollywood, a band that was formed to generate enough income for Frankie to go to Hollywood. Without Frankie, the rest of the band formed a new project, The Band Gets Enough Bus Fare To Get Home.
The New Superman Movie Is Weird
This time around Robocop is just another cop, but he's evil. We have Peter Weller reprising his role, puppeteered by Lance Henriksen and voiced by James Woods.
The Upcoming Year Of Nintendo Mistakes
People want to like Nintendo a lot, they really do. It's easy to pull for the plucky oddball responsible for many of your childhood memories. Nintendo, however, has a habit of being a complete asshole.
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
An automated turret sits at the end of a hallway that you really want to explore. There's a ladies' bathroom, a computer full of emails just begging to be snooped through, and several dozen future candy bars and future beers strewn about on someone's office floor.
Difficult Dungeon
With sincere condolences to Dungeons Of Dredmor, I have created the most challenging and brilliant entry the roguelike genre has ever seen: Difficult Dungeon.
All's Well That Yells Well
Hey it's your neighbor! We've never actually spoken to one another, but of all the words that have violated your tender earholes throughout your entire life, more have originated from my bleating mouth than from all of your loved ones combined! Do you know why! Because I am constantly screaming!
Prodigy Presents: Version 82.2!
We now support high resolution monitors thanks to Stretch Mode. Enjoy Prodigy in HD with the licensed 8X Super Eagle filter! Also available: Gaussian Blur.
What To Do When Your Arm Is Stuck In A Vending Machine
Step One: Empty your bladder in a wide arc. The pungent scent of your urine will keep predators at bay. When night falls, it will also glow, providing a much-needed source of light.
Tragedy + Zune = Dollars
I couldn't help but wonder if this Microsoft PR person with a corporate Twitter account telling people to buy an album on Zune was trying to sell albums on Zune. Thankfully, they clarified that their message had not been commercially motivated.
Memoirs Of Doom Guy
My minor was in Hell Portals, and while I was not naive enough to think it would land me a job in the real world, it was nonetheless a fulfilling and eye-opening subject. As something of a liberal idealist I tended to argue against the opening of hell portals - much to the amusement of some of my classmates and professors.
Which Old Republic Pre-Order Is Right For You?
Although the game doesn't have an official release date yet, a special collector's edition of BioWare's Star Wars MMO became available for $150 in United States Dollars, or Freedom Bucks as they are known internationally.
The Bravest Pre-Battle Speech
Brothers! Here we are on the cusp of war, a mere hundred dwarves standing between our homelands and the invading horde. Our weapons are dull, our hands untrained in combat. We have not had a decent nap in weeks. Our ale stores have diminished, leading many to suckle their beards for sustenance. Some have even resorted to water and vegetables.
Club MixJam Promotions Presents: Brad Rapstar
Our records show that your website SOMETHINGAWFUL will reach a larger audience and increase its profits by at least 400% simply by entering into an exciting promotional partnership. Give your visitors what they want with Club MixJam Promotions!
BioShock Infinite: Fears For Tears
Your companion in BioShock Infinite is Elizabeth, a young woman with a sweet haircut and the unique ability to interact with tears in reality. Previews have cited examples of this power such as pulling a wagon from another dimension into your own for cover and depositing crowds of sympathetic fighters near your enemies.
Understanding The NFL Lockout
The impact of the NFL lockout extends far beyond fans of the sport. Sponsors, television networks, thousands of working class team employees, and Pittsburgh area rape kit suppliers will all be affected if the season doesn't begin as scheduled this September.
Liam Gallagher's Greatest Dick Moves
Liam Gallagher's contributions to the medium of assholery far outweigh his contributions to music. Oasis was a decade-plus shoving match between brothers set to a score by the Monkees, occasionally punctuated by Liam stomping away then returning to grab his brother in a headlock.
Fifty More Hours Of Star Wars
George Lucas recently claimed to have written 50 hours worth of content for a live-action Star Wars television show. In a perfect world he would have written half as much and surrounded himself with twice as many people that were willing to say no to his bad ideas.
Not Drugs
Cursing under his breath, Tanner pulled up the bottom of the suspect's baggy sweater, revealing the man's actual arms. They had been taped to his sides. A hug smuggler - the sixth this week. Something big was coming, and Tanner was going to get down to the bottom of it.
How Team Fortress 2 Will Be Ruined By Going Free-To-Play
If people don't have to pay to get in, how will they know the value of a perfectly placed meatspin.gif tag?
Through The Science Hole With Morgan Freeman
Unfortunately, I get the feeling that Morgan Freeman's lack of formal scientific training comes through in his narration, bringing the credibility of his show down somewhat. You tell me if I'm being too harsh on the guy.
Survival Of The Wittiest
His reply was so devastating in its cleverness and so casual in its delivery that those closest to the point of impact dropped to the ground, their ears spurting blood. One man thanked the witty man for the quip even as seizures contorted his body.
E3 2011: The Future Of The Xbox 360 Is Frightening, On Rails
Woah! This game is awesome, Suzy! I can't believe that thing just happened, I've seriously never played this before! Let's try to get the mega-coin! Aw, we'll get it next time! Woah! This is fun! I love Kinect and the Microsoft experience! Facebook! Social media! Fist bump!
Duke Nukem Forever Demo Impressions
Duke Nukem Forever swipes concepts from popular modern titles and crams them together without considering how the elements work together. The result is a unique version of the kitchen sink approach in which the developer adds infinite kitchen sinks without a kitchen counter or plumbing and hopes for the best.
An Important Notice From WTOANLSDFTPBLA Corp
We'll Think Of A Name Later So Don't File This Placeholder Business License Application Corp and its international partners are excited and legally obligated to tell you about the biggest, most ACTION-PACKED recall of the modern era! For one reason or another nearly every product in our lineup has failed in SPECTACULAR fashion! Feel the rush!
L.A. Incidental
My partner has yet to solve a case, or shoot a suspect, or come up with a valuable clue. Mostly he's just good at telling me when to turn the car when I drive.
My Best Idea Yet
I've been putting together an idea for a movie that, quite frankly, could turn out to be the best film of all time. The pitch: A perfect movie that everyone loves. This concept seems like it might have potential. True, I've never made a movie before, but the idea holds up to scrutiny from every angle. It is, conceptually, flawless.
Brink
Brink has a ton of issues, from technical problems to design flaws to a limited amount of content. It's also the best team-based shooter since Team Fortress 2.
My Thoughts On The New Thor Movie
Everyone is talking about Thor. The country's obsession with this new movie has become so intense that you can't even visit the Thor Store and pick up a gallon of Thorberry Juice without hearing someone mention Thor.
Ultra Rare Arcade Cabinets
"Look out! It's a terrarium!" "I am fully immersed in this foyer!" Those were a few exclamations that people were likely to shout while playing Virtual Reality CAD.
Beepmasters
If you find that you are tired of the music you have and you want to find a great new artist, load up an adult webcam site and ask for the name of the song that's blaring over the girl's microphone like a drive-thru apocalypse.
Alternative Explanations For The PSN Outage
Kevin Butler ran out of VHS tapes to record Dancing With The Stars, so in a moment of desperation he erased every hard drive on the PlayStation Network to make room. Totally worth it.
Nintendo's New Console
According to the video game press rumor mill, it's all but certain that Nintendo will announce a new console by E3 (June 7-9) at the latest. Some sites have even claimed that the rumor has been "confirmed" by anonymous sources, which has all the attention-grabbing power of an official confirmation without any of the journalistic responsibility.
Impressions Of The Gears Of War 3 Beta Which I Have Not Played
The Gears Of War 3 beta has gone out to people who write about games and are marginally important, well known, or whose opinions are of some significance. In other words, I haven't played it.
Every Fatality From The New Mortal Kombat Game
Until now, only a fraction of the game's fatalities have been revealed through shaky handheld videos taken at loud gaming conventions. This article marks the first time that every fatality has been thoroughly documented in one place.
More Forgotten Origins Of Comic Book Characters (Part 2)
When Dr. Bruce Banner enters a boxing tournament, things take a surprising turn as Hulk emerges at the opening of the first round! In the following action-packed pages, The Incredibly Verbose Hulk describes each and every blow landed by his opponent in pulse-pounding prose! Guest starring Muhammad Ali and The Monkees.
The Star Wars Cantina Band Is Underrated
No band is distinctive enough to warrant an entirely new genre of music, with the possible exception of the Star Wars Cantina Band.
The Kennedys Mini-Series Is Bullshit
I was looking forward to The Kennedys. After all, Oliver Stone's JFK was a pretty good movie, so a prequel was certainly welcome. Greg Kinnear as John Kennedy was an inspired casting choice, and Katie Holmes seemed like a natural fit due to her real world experience with ineffectually containing her husband's exploding brain.
Features That Should Be In Every Game
Every game needs an obnoxious man that taunts you moments before he explodes in a mist of gore and wasted life.
A Week In The Life Of The Sims Medieval
As the bully is placed in the stockade, I publicly declare that she will be hit about the face with one egg for every blow she has landed upon her victim. Soon, however, I declare that she will be hit with one egg for every egg that I possess.
Nintendo 3DS Launch Guide, Dragon Age II's Incredible Ceilings
The most remarkable aspect of the Nintendo 3DS isn't the fact that it plays games in 3D without requiring glasses, but that it will launch this week without a first party title that anyone can get excited about.
Forgotten Origins Of Comic Book Characters (Part 1)
Peter Parker, a brilliant but shy high school student, went on a field trip to the New York Bug Hospital. As the empathetic youth reached out to comfort a spider that was recovering from a round of chemotherapy, the weary arachnid bit Parker's finger. Thus was born Sickly Spider-Man.
Dragon Age II Is Mediocre, BioWare Is Becoming Terrible
When Dragon Age: Origins, the most old school PC RPG-ish RPG in years, sold more copies than Mass Effect 2, it was an encouraging sign. After all, if a game with counter-spells, trap disabling, and +1 rings could succeed to such a degree in the current market, my life might have some meaning.
Album Cover Or Video Card Box?
There is a distinct crossover between these seemingly disparate industries, a point where bad art proudly asserts itself as bad-ass art. The question is: How well do you know your album covers?
Which iPad 2 Model Are You Getting?
I'm swept up in the human tidal wave, my hand one of millions making grabby motions for an iPad 2. The only problem is that I just can't decide on a model to go with. They all seem so great! If you've already picked one, maybe you can help me figure out which one I should thrust my credit card toward and grunt greedily.
DLC Talk
Sometimes a boom mic is accidentally lowered into the frame of a movie, taking you out of the fiction. Video game DLC is like that boom mic if it had dipped into the center of the screen, cracked the camera lens, then been given lines of dialog along with a cgi mouth in post production.
Magazine Fancy, The Magazine
You're a magazine enthusiast, but find yourself lacking the time and coffee table space to accommodate every publication out there. This is the magazine that's made for you.
Patch Notes: Bulletstorm
Brought Steve Blum back in to record more lazy, extreme quips that are so over the top they know they're over the top, and therefore are immune to criticism. Look forward to catchphrases such as "see you later, clit nugget" and "your guts smell like abortion".
Halftime In The Washington Generals' Locker Room
Fellas, those Harlem Globetrotters are working us over. I actually saw children in the stands laughing at us. Laughing! It's time to turn things around. We're down by 38, sure, but if we get out there and execute fundamental basketball, I honestly believe we can pull this one out and improve our series record to 2-13027.
The Email That Put The New Deus Ex Game In Peril
Deus Ex: Human Revolution is shaping up to be a worthy successor to 2000's classic game about trench coats, invading personal computers and women's bathrooms for no good reason, and the moral implications of genetic implants in a society where no one is able to bend their back, even in death.
Creating Your Valentine's Day Mixtape
Creating a mixtape with the goal of sparking a romance is akin to attempting to yank Excalibur from the stone. It might work for someone out there, but most of us will just wind up with crushed dreams and chaffed palms.
Wholesome Explanations For Charlie Sheen's Cocaine-Fueled Incidents
Charlie Sheen's PR group has been waging a valiant effort to blur the lines between the actor's drug-addled, physically abusive real-life behavior and the fantasy of a good-natured normal guy whose perfectly innocent actions have been misinterpreted by the entire universe for seemingly no reason.
Madden 2011 Super Bowl Predictions
Bonus prediction before we start: This article's accuracy and resulting success will shame IGN into closing shop.
Beem Me Up
Please don't be alarmed. You were in a terrible accident. We have revived you from stasis, repaired your tissue damage, and removed the embedded bits of fruit stand debris. It is the future, and our advanced society may prove too much for your recovering brain to take in all at once.
Hands On With The Nintendo 3DS
The 3DS is essentially a Nintendo DS, but roughly three times as large, and made out of a sponge-like material. It features an analog stick (for non-digital games) and three new buttons below the bottom screen: Menu, Home, and Disable This Button.
Establishing Your American Idol Sob Story
Tens of thousands audition for American Idol, but the only contestants that matter are the ones with A Story. Having A Story means that you have faced some sort of difficulty at one point in your life (unlike everyone else) and therefore deserve a prolonged tearjerker video segment along with a greater chance of winning a singing contest.
2010 Musician Death Toll
Last year the music industry was filled with last, desperate gasps that brought about panicked longing for what once was and dreadful reproach for the hellish void ahead. There were also musician deaths.
Supreme Overseer Leader Q&A: Bug Shipping
Supreme Overseer Leader is the foremost authority on all bug shipping within the sector. His gaze knows no limits, his icy grasp is absolute and inescapable. He currently resides in a cozy chalet with his life partner, an eternally screaming medical skeleton named Judith.
The Life Recipe
Your eyes grew large with concern and you immediately told me to put the flier back, but I didn't. I walked over to the stack and pretended to place it on top of the others, secretly folding it up into a paper football. That's why I was carrying a football for the rest of the shopping trip. It wasn't even real, it was that advertisement.
Our Most Anticipated Releases Of 2011
People who write about video games are currently printing out the next few weeks' releases, double-checking to make sure there wasn't an error, then attempting to put the paper to good use by slicing it across their throats. Of course, no one will actually die, as any experienced neckbeard-paper-scissors player knows.
I'm Just Standing Here On This Game Box, Holding My Weapon
Nah, I don't need to turn around. It's just rocks. Rocks can't damage this beard, or these sunglasses, or this baseball cap. Hold on, I'm getting new intel on rocks... OH SHIT!
