The Patchwork Game
What if you could take the best blurbs from cheap games and combine them to describe one title? I'd say the resulting game would be worth at least ten dollars, but you can decide for yourself.
MyUltimateRobot.com
The following pages feature multiple options for every component of your robot. Simply place a checkmark in the box next to the part that suits your needs, fax your selections to the provided number, and wait three to four weeks for us to send an estimate to your pager!
The Influence Of Fantasy/Sci-Fi Literature
The connection between J.R.R. Tolkien's 'Lord Of The Rings' books and Led Zeppelin is one of rock's most well-established curiosities, but to this very day it manages to surprise longtime fans of the band.
Perfecting Comic Book Heroes
Is the world ready for my completely new and original characters, such as Batman With Binoculars? That depends on how receptive the world is to having its collective mind blown into outer space.
Things That Probably Happen In Gulliver's Travels
Giant Jack Black finds himself in a police lineup. The witness narrows the suspect list down to giant Jack Black and a midget, then takes a very long time to decide which is the culprit.
Multiple Sentence Review: Dragon Knight Saga
Someone forgot to tell these guys to stop after making the action part of an action/RPG, so they went ahead and made one of the best RPGs of the year.
My Take On Rural Life
There's a whimsical appeal to the notion of leaving everything behind and moving to the country. Maybe you're overwhelmed by things like "other people" and "culture". Perhaps you'd like to live in a place where time moves so slowly that you will experience less in life and effectively die in the 1890's.
If It Was A Good Game...
If Gran Turismo 5 was a good game, a collision between two cars wouldn't sound like the side of a plastic trash can being lightly tapped with a bongo.
The Sentinel Was Certainly A TV Show
The late 90's were a magical time for vaguely science-fictiony television shows with generic bad guys shooting submachine guns in a near-future utopia.
NBA Jamguistics
For the first time in the 2.4 million year span of human existence, every line of announcer commentary from the 2010 edition of NBA Jam has been collected in one place. From the sublime to the baffling, we have every interjection shouted at the player by Tim Kitzrow, categorized by the in-game situation that prompts each reaction.
Call Of Duty: Black Ops And The Cryptic Screaming Flashback
There is almost enough story in Call Of Duty: Black Ops' single player campaign to fill one side of a napkin. Through the use of the Cryptic Screaming Flashback, however, the game manages to give the impression of being complex and emotionally charged.
Kinect Launch Roundup
The Kinect is finally here, and Microsoft's hands-free peripheral been getting everyone so excited about motion-based gaming that a few people momentarily remembered the Playstation Move.
The Second-Hand Tourist Destination Travel Brochure
Legend has it that this spooky manor is eerily similar to houses that have become famous for having paranormal activity, just like the hit movies Paranormal Activity and Ghost rider.
What's In The $7,000 Laptop?
Munk Bugballe (the company, not the chaotic neutral Dungeons & Dragons character) is releasing a collection of "Classic Bespoke" laptops starting at $7,000. That seems like a lot of money to shell out for a stock low-end MacBook Pro with mahogany, gold, and diamonds glued to its case, but these luxury laptops actually include quite a few extras.
A Link To The Past - Easy Mode
Is Link's uncle just a helpful guy, or an enabler?
Horror Stories from the Road
For most touring musicians, strange situations are a daily occurrence; a result of traveling, meeting crazed fans, and spending time with other performers in varying states of sobriety. Sometimes, though, a day on the road goes beyond quirkiness and enters the realm of the truly spooky.
Fallout: New Vegas Walkthrough
You wake up on a medical table inside an old man's house. He calls himself Doc Mitchell, and he claims to have patched up a gunshot wound to your head. A nice story, but things don't add up. You're in your underwear. If you were shot in the head, why would the doctor need to remove your pants? Is his stitching that inaccurate?
Gawker Can't Get Enough Of This Sultry And Rebellious Underage Actress
"Screw authority!," Momsen added while making the trek from the set of her television show to a swanky restaurant. "I hate dogcatchers! Homework suuucks! Stay out of our lives, NASA! Bleeeeh!"
You're Ruining Games
In the future, all gamers will be divided into two categories: Those who have an inflatable boat in their living room, and those who should kill themselves.
Jerry Jones Is A Menace And Possibly A Scofflaw
Jerry Jones messaged me privately and told me he worked for Valve Software and he needed to see my login details to verify my account. I complied because he was Jerry Jones, but then he told me 'I planned this all along. Now your Steam account is mine and I can finally play Plants Vs. Zombies'
The Corin Tucker Band: 1,000 Years
I've been listening to The Corin Tucker Band's debut album "1,000 Years" for a few weeks now, thanks to a publicist who was kind enough to overlook my terrible nickname and mistake me for an actual music writer who knows what he's doing.
Checking In On Fall's Biggest New Shows
Most new shows are treated a little unfairly. Nearly every media outlet features a fall television preview far in advance, written by someone that has only seen a few clips or perhaps a pilot for each show. Now that we're a few weeks into the season, I've seen enough of this fall's new shows to confidently say that I can be thoroughly unfair.
Multiple Sentence Review: Dead Rising 2
Holding my daughter close, I tell her that she means the world to me, and that I will always protect her from the madness brewing outside. I am wearing superhero boots, overalls, and an oversized Blanka mask that covers my entire head. A bloody fireaxe rests in my hand.
Practical Effects In Video Games
In many ways, Johnny Mnemonic - the Keanu Reeves film - was eerily prophetic. Everything you come across in a video game has been created within the confines of some crazy virtual reality version of Paint Shop Pro instead of the real world. Or has it?
Here In The Distant Future, Your Tech News Is Pretty Underwhelming
Future Man is a respected technology thoughter based in New New Holo-London. His insights appear in prestigious periodical wordflows such as Technology Minutely, Alien Gear Review, and Big Wiggly Butts. Through methods which we don't entirely understand, he monitors and comments upon our current technology news from his home in the distant future.
The Greatest Adventure Games Of All Time
After fading into obscurity in the late 1990's, adventure games made a comeback in recent years and are poised to become more dominant than ever. In honor of this fine genre, I humbly submit my favorite adventure games of all time.
Scandalous Tales Of Arrogant Celebrities & Politicians
They are the privileged and elite, living in comfort on the combined fortunes of common folk. When the paths of celebrities and politicians intersect with ours, however, their contempt becomes all too apparent.
Were The Beatles Technically The Best At Anything?
Using science - infallible, unbiased, numbers-and-beakers-and-everything science - to break down the band's characteristics and determine whether the Beatles were the best at the traits that defined them.
The Real Darwin Awards
During a sleepover, a teenage girl was locked in a bathroom. On the other side of the door her giggling friends held the knob tightly, refusing to let her out until she looked in the mirror and whispered "Darwin" three times.
What Are Valve's Three Big Surprises?
What surprises was Valve hinting at in the newest PC Gamer? I have some guesses that are uninformed, highly speculative, and sure to be completely wrong. Thankfully, those are the best kind.
My Unparalleled Resume
The majority of my experience comes from writing about video games for a comedy website since 2004, which to my understanding makes me qualified to fill a senior position in any career path within the United States and parts of outer space.
Fallout: New Vegas' Hardcore Mode
If there's one thing video game players love, it's being badass, unstoppable gamelords that blow through every supposed "challenge" thrown their way in record time with a cocky grin on their Gamer Grub-encrusted mouths while weaker nerds toil in obscurity.
Fallout From The Cardinals/Reds Brawl
This week the Reds and Cardinals were involved in the most chaotic and brutal baseball fight in recent memory. One guy was even kicking. After reviewing the fracas from every possible angle and possibly using "zoom and enhance" supercomputers, MLB officials have handed down some severe punishments for everyone involved.
Translating The Kinect Patent Application
We dig through Microsoft's patents for the Kinect and uncover a whole mess of previously unknown tidbits about this remarkable piece of technology.
Canceled After One Episode
Since the first regularly broadcast programs in the 1930's, thousands upon thousands of television shows have come and gone. It's not uncommon for a series to be canceled before its time. Very few, however, have been pulled after only one episode.
StarCraft II Unit Analysis
We're a few days into StarCraft II's life on the redesigned Battle.net. Players are just beginning to develop multiplayer strategies that - if the original game is any indication - will continue to evolve in ridiculous ways over a span of time that will dwarf most actual wars.
Picking The Right eBook Reader
An eBook is, as you might expect, a book that has either been written entirely in an e-mail client or written in the normal fashion (one hand on a typewriter, the other on a handgun pressed against the author's temple, left foot on the clutch, right foot on the gas) then electrified with the machine from Honey I Shrunk The Kids.
Patch Notes: Red Dead Redemption
Fixed a bug which caused skinned/harvested animals to get up and whimper, following the player even after console resets, reloading of previous saves, or starting new games.
Filler From The Star Wars Timeline
As a kid, I was under the impression that in addition to scripting every line of the first nine Star Wars movies before filming A New Hope, George Lucas had fully plotted out more than thirteen billion years of the universe's history. This blew my mind.
The Internet Hates Dragon Age 2
The internet is only good for a handful of things, and one of them is ruining discussion through the use of hyperbole and emotionally driven leaps of logic. Take, for instance, the reaction to every other word from this week's press release announcing Dragon Age 2.
The Unreliable Sources Travel Advisory Network
Although LeBron James has announced his move to Miami, a source within the James camp has revealed that the basketball phenom's extensive collection of glowing radiological waste has moved to Los Angeles, where it will be scattered across man and building alike with no regard for safety or etiquette.
Talkin' Heads
You can learn a lot about people by examining their exposed craniums. Get beneath the surrounding layers skin and membrane and muscle, and you'll find the answers to all sorts of questions that would otherwise come at the expense of several minutes of conversation.
The Way Of The Creepy Dude
You say you want to be creepy. One can not do such a thing on a lark. Creepiness is a lifestyle, a culmination of many small actions that originate in the creepiest part of your heart (the pulmonary valve).
Puzzle Agent's Toughest Puzzles
Nelson Tethers: Puzzle Agent is the newest project from Telltale Games (Sam & Max episodes, Tales Of Monkey Island), promising to occupy a space between Professor Layton, Fargo and David Lynch. So, basically Doom with guns.
The Old "Coma-Induced Car Possession" Cliche
Not only did Nintendo's 3DS work better than expected, but it was teased alongside a new Kid Icarus game. For those of you who aren't nostalgic nerds, this was like winning a new sportscar and finding your long-dead childhood dog in the trunk, now alive and wearing shades.
eVentPlanner: The Kyung Joon Welcome Home Party
Thank you for using eVentPlanner.com, the premiere web destination for your event planning needs! Please verify that the following accurately matches your responses to our online event creation form.
What If?
Scholars define history as "things and stuff happening and then time passes so we remember it". Makes sense to a thinking man, I suppose, but what do those lofty words mean for you and I?
Expert Talk
In this modern life, we are surrounded by technology. My job is to find out where these autonomous circuit boards came from, why they were programmed to attach themselves to human skin, and how we can free ourselves.
What's Going On In This Atari 2600/Intellivision Screenshot?
Squid ghost screams in horror. All of his nightmares have come true. The waffles are swarming. Enormous bees have accompanied them. A miniature blue elephant has turned on its side and begun an eerily casual vertical descent.
Iwata Asks: Super Mario Galaxy 2
In a regular feature for the company's website, president Satoru Iwata asks key Nintendo figures about the process of creating games and hardware. Today he sits down with Mario Galaxy 2 designer (and series creator) Shigeru Miyamoto.
Worst Case Scenario
In Worst Case Scenario, Bear Grylls shows viewers how to survive terrifying situations in modern life such as turning on a television and seeing a man wring a gallon of gritty orange liquid from a ten pound turd into his gagging maw.
Choice Choosing In Alpha Protocol
Alpha Protocol is an upcoming spy RPG from some of the people who brought you Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic 2, Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines, Lionheart: Legacy Of The Crusader, and even some games that were mostly finished when they went on sale.
Space Exploration: The Practical Applications
When the topic of the space program comes up, a chorus of timeless questions repeat themselves. "Durr what are the practical applications of exploration, one of the few qualities that sets us apart from animals?" "How come we don't spend all of that money on Earth problems such as my severe short-sightedness?"
Video Game Time
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else - someone that's ready to game. Come back when you're awesome and maybe we'll talk.
Arcade Intros For Modern Games
Everything you need to know before jumping into a game, in one screen of blocky and vaguely incorrect text.
Renovations On Elm Street
Film remakes are tricky. Change too little and you wind up with Psycho. Keep the basics while introducing some good ideas, and you get something as good as the original, like Dawn Of The Dead. Go too far, and Planet Of The Apes happens. Literally. No matter what movie you were trying to remake, it will be Planet Of The Apes.
Become A Video Game Programmer In Ten Minutes
Like everything else in life, learning how to program video games seems slightly difficult and therefore best left to other people. In reality, you can pick up everything you'll need in around ten minutes.
Descriptive Descriptions From Sci-Fi Literature
The robot was magnificent. Its frame was mostly heavy cardboard that had been painted silver. A sparkling pot sat atop the body, bolts welded into place for eyes and teeth.
X-COM: Disappointment From The Deep
The very silly news that 2K Marin is making X-COM into a "story-based" first person shooter that promises to be "immersive" and a "gripping narrative ride".
Your World Cup Primer
The fast-approaching FIFA World Cup is the second largest soccer event on the planet. Many argue that it would be #1 if the United States' Major League Soccer championship game didn't go by the somewhat misleading title of Wrestlemania Superbowl M.A.S.H. Finale.
The Inaugural Bicentennial VGA Reader Challenge
Every two hundred years, readers of this feature will be given a chance to test their mettle and possibly be immortalized in the pantheon of digital warriors - masters of power ups and high scores and extra men.
Initial Results From The Large Hadron Collider
The vast amounts of data yielded from a test such as the one conducted in the Large Hadron Collider can't be parsed overnight. Thankfully, three nights have passed so now we pretty much know everything.
The First Thing To Do In Prison
At the opposite end of the yard, a group of bikers occupied a stand of metal bleachers. Some glowered at the new arrivals menacingly, straddling their seats, turning imaginary chopper throttles and making intimidating "VRRRM-VRRM!" noises with their mouths.
Bad Luck In Bad Company 2
You fall behind by one point, and half your team switches to the winning side. Don't expect any reply but "cry more, n00b" when you ask to even things out. How they know you're actually crying in real life is a mystery.
The Saddest Dear John Letters
In the coming weeks you will find yourself espousing the virtues of termites much more than usual. Should you encounter anyone that voices an opposing viewpoint on the matter, you will defend termites angrily. Within three months, you will most likely die.
Food Network's Diverse Range Of Programming
Bobby Flay adopts a tough guy persona so he can scowl or act unimpressed in lieu of thinking of something interesting to say. I would make fun of him for doing this, but it's exactly how I would get through life if my grumpy face didn't lead people to ask if I'm about to cry.
Mutant League Draft Prospects
Hi folks, Bhutt Prefarte here. If you'd like to know which mutants made the biggest splash (or squish, in some cases) with the Mutant League scouts, you've come to the right place!
Sony's Biggest PS3 Blunders
From this week's worldwide glitchtacular to the GameSony Bestdevice, join us on a journey through the most boneheaded moves Sony has made in this console generation.
Things Are Looking Up For Me Now That I Have This Chainsaw
I'm enjoying a romantic dinner with a sensual lady. I'm in my tux, she's in one of those playboy bunny outfits. I make her laugh deeply with captivating tales of instant messaging with Lowtax. The whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant's walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming.
Tony Champion's Motivational Speech & Heart Surgery Training Combo Event
Due to recent developments dogfighting will no longer be part of the event, but audience members are still encouraged to starve their pets.
Civilization V: Exclusive Details!
Now it's 2010, and thanks to recent innovations in Nvidia 3D Vision and the incredibly useful Games For Windows Live, we can now use hexagons - in this case, six-sided ones.
Coming Out Of Your Shell
In "Skipping Stones", Splinter ruminates on the act of throwing rocks at water. Although the giant rat's speaking voice is wisened like Liam Neeson in Star Wars or Fallout 3, here Splinter's singing conjures the essence of a poor man's Bryan Adams.
The Definitive Mario Timeline
While Nintendo has never provided an official timeline for the many adventures of Mario, forensic science holds the key to piecing together the complicated life of one of this generation's most iconic figures.
Deathbed Testbed - iPad First Impressions
Honestly, I thought quicksand was made up for the movies. I didn't think it was real, just as I didn't think Apple would really release a tablet without an integrated stylus for handwriting recognition or some sort of unique operating system that would take full advantage of the device's capabilities.
Historical Lessons From Spartacus: Blood And Sand
You might think the new series Spartacus: Blood And Sand is a mix between the slow-motion green-screened bare-chested violence of 300, the cgi blood from the 2008 installment of Rambo and the, well, everything else of HBO's Rome minus the good writing and acting and historical accuracy.
Misguided Movie/Sport Cross-Promotions
ESPN recently spliced clips from The Edge Of Darkness with footage from NFL playoff games, which didn't make much sense. However, when the segment's title "Edge Of Darkness: Edge Of A Championship" appeared, it made even less sense.
Star Trek Online Retailer-Exclusive Bonuses
Become the ultimate captain with exclusive access to Big Head Mode! Everyone's head will be larger.
Sweater Weather - Three Cautionary Tales
There was Elric The Just's golden turtleneck, next to Balhaut's feared snowman-and-reindeer fleece, and across from them hung Lord Wesdrake's blessed striped sweater, with the wide elastic band at the bottom that made everything above it appear balloon-like. A finer collection of noteworthy sweaters had never been assembled in one location.
My Favorite Copyright-Infringing Ads
Open up your phone book and you're sure to see a few unlicensed cartoon characters, most likely in ads run by companies with names that start in "AAA" or "ABC" to appeal to people that make decisions based solely upon the alphabet.
Mass Effect 2's Biggest Improvements
Miranda Lawson (portrayed by Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck) has a glorious mane that cannot be contained by the infinite reaches of space, let alone a standard-issue N7 helmet.
Hot Final Fantasy Import Nights
I made a vow to import every Final Fantasy game from that point forward. True, I didn't (and still don't) understand Japanese, but Final Fantasy transcends language, like a Charlie Chaplin film or a book.
