One-Sentence Reviews From 2019
As 2009 comes to a close, video game sites continue their quest to generate precious clicks with lazy features like "Best Games Of The Decade" and "The Most Influential Games Of The Last Yen Years" and "List Game Top Decade 10".
Suspect Shuffle: Danger In Monte Carlo
Detective, we've got a real noggin-scratcher on our hands. A maid discovered the bodies of the Duke of Monte Carlo, the President of Monte Carlo, and the King of Monte Carlo in the V.I.P. lounge of the Monte Carlo Casino.
The Na'vi From Avatar - James Cameron's Unique Vision Brought To Life
I'm not sure if this was intentional - and I could be reading too much into it - but it seems like a lot of the Na'vi traits are animalistic, like they're more in tune with nature than the humans or something.
About That Letter-Writing Device
Dr. Attelman what are your weaknesses? You can respond in earnest. I am a friend. Do you have an aversion to the surface of the sun? Have you built up an immunity to household blood thinners? Is there any particular time when you absolutely would not be able to hear the engine of an approaching Segway?
More Oddball 90's PC Games
This time around, readers chime in on everything from Harvester to soul-stealing computers to the mystery of the multiplying David Bowie.
Monumental Disaster Scene Ideas
Global warming makes the Egyptian pyramids explode in gigantic fireballs. An American tourist in the process of snapping a photograph looks at the camera in his hands with a comic expression, then tosses it over his shoulder.
2009 Holiday Gift Guide
If the wrapping paper appears to be made of a solid diamond, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that you are holding a very large diamond. The bad news is that you won't be able to open it.
Normality In The Mid-90's
Grabbing a box from the shelf of your local Babbage's in the mid-90's might have netted a standard RTS, but you were just as likely to discover an FMV adventure game about Dennis Hopper opening a detective agency in a cyberpunk version of Hell where all disputes are settled via hoverbike races.
Degas' Terrible Giraffes
Edgar Degas was a pioneer of Impressionism that sought to capture the natural beauty of horses in many of his works. Ask any horse art expert - typically located at the front desk of your town's Horse Art & Horse Bag Depot or the iHorse Store, where they are known as eQuine Geniuses - and they'll tell you that Degas was the best at horses.
A Cop And His 179 Partners
At first glance our working stiff here appears to have hung himself, but it was only meant to look that way. Note the multiple chainsaw wounds.
Why Diablo III And StarCraft II Aren't Out Yet
Development on StarCraft II began in 2003, and Diablo III went into production in 2005. To put that into perspective, more time has gone into those two games than all of the hours that were spent making video games in the Palaeozaic and Mesozoic eras combined.
Baffling Excerpts From The Dragon Age Codex
If our forums were any indication, Dragon Age: Origins was not only destined to be terrible, but there was a good chance its cloth map would serve as a vehicle for smallpox.
The Worst Console-to-PC Ports
Borderlands is amazing once you get past the cumbersome menus, disable mouse acceleration, then adjust the field of view until it's closer to that of a human with two eyes instead of a cyclops with horse blinders on.
The Birdface Man Letters
I am almost certain it is not an owl. My ex-girlfriend believed it to be a penguin, and her stubbornness on the matter greatly contributed to our separation. Hello, Tracy, penguins aren't even birds. They're warm-blooded. Christ.
2010's Most Promising Bullshit Indie Games
The last few years have been good for independent games and incredible for bullshit indie games. If you can combine a slightly altered version of fl0w with a gameplay mechanic from another game you didn't make, you're golden. Incorporate some vague symbolism and/or text that tries way too hard to be clever and you're this week's game of the year.
Balloon Boy
Balloon Boy, when the wreckage of your balloon was discovered without you, the breaths of millions caught at the exact same moment. It was 9/11 all over again. It was Pearl Harbor and the assassination of JFK and the release of Spore all rolled into one. From riveted enthusiasm to heartbreak in mere seconds.
Brutal Legend Uncredited Track Listing
If you catch yourself thinking, "Wait, if that wasn't 'Soul Thrashing Black Sorcery' by Skeletonwitch, what was it?" while playing Brutal Legend, please refer to this handy list of uncredited heavy metal tracks from the game.
Public Domain Games
Aside from the game's deep space setting, Dead Space had a lot in common with Event Horizon. Both borrowed heavily from big titles that came before them, both were so we well-executed that they overcame their potential to be completely forgettable, and both were set in deep space.
Power Chair
I was just like you once. Had Lupus. Was a 'person of interest' in a series of drive-thru window robberies. Then I got the Power Chair, and everything changed.
Lines From BioWare's Next Trailer
"God? Ha. God is dead. Let me see what items you have for sale."
Clues That Ghost Hunters Might Be Fake
In the episode "Portal to Hell", the portal to Hell that the team encounters does not appear to be a portal to Hell, but a regular portal from the video game Portal. Upon closer inspection, the entire episode seems to be a 45-minute clip of gameplay footage from Portal with the user interface blurred out.
Sorry, But Batman: Arkham Asylum Is NOT Realistic
I didn't get the final cinematic, either, where Batman says "This isn't over, not by a long shot", and we see a dark corner of the bat cave with dozens of eggs wriggling, one cracking open to reveal a tiny hand with a Batglove reaching skyward.
Of Mayonnaise And Modern Rebellion
To hell with the crops. To hell with the police. To hell with your confining rows of perfectly neat and perfectly safe plants. We are John Deere, and we are turning the steering wheel in directions you've never even thought were possible.
A Blind Man Guesses What He's Touching
"Ow. That's sort of hot! Okay, I feel a uniform blob of goop. It's thick and heavy, but it parts easily enough as I cup my hands together and scoop it up. When I rub it between my fingers I get a sort of grainy sensation. This one's easy. A bowl of oatmeal." The mystery item is: The surface of the sun
Great Ideas From Nintendo Fans
The official Nintendo e-mail newsletter recently called upon loyal fans to write in with things they'd like to see in upcoming iterations of the company's flagship titles. I thought the results were surprisingly good, so I'm reprinting them here for everyone who hasn't subscribed to the newsletter.
Introductions
Hey, you're the new number cruncher, right? First day on the job is always a little awkward. Follow me, I'll point out everyone you'll be working with.
Improving Superman
The very qualities that make Superman the prototypical hero also make him sort of boring. He's pretty much unstoppable. He likes to save people because he's nice, which is awesome, but that's the extent of his personality. His darkest secret? He feels guilty for not being able to save everyone.
They're Still Making EverQuest Expansions
Here I am, looking at a press release for an Everquest expansion called "Underfoot". This is frightening for two reasons. First, the title is pandering to people who fantasize about being crushed by 60-foot tall superheroes. Second, this will be the game's SIXTEENTH expansion.
Reactions To Abner Morland's "The Manga Killings"
Morland ranks right up there with Tolkien and Barkley, especially in the chapter "My Charles Barkley Autobiography", which is interspersed with lyrics from the songs of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Captain Kesselrun's Maritime Adventures
Two men with three arms between them made their way across the ocean in a jumble of swollen, warped planks precariously held together with nails made entirely of rust. The man with two arms frowned at a treasure map balanced on the head of the other man, who rowed with a vaguely paddle-like roadsign.
Randomizin' Guns With Borderlands
Borderlands will feature somewhere around one billion guns, give or take a few infinity plus ones. This works out to roughly 1,500 guns per bullet that the average player will come across, making the "throw gun" button an invaluable addition to the game.
New "Epic Mickey" Concept Art
After calling in a few favors, I've managed to scrounge up several new pieces of official artwork that shed further light on the disturbing nature of Epic Mickey. This content is decidedly dark, so proceed at your own risk.
"Text Your Vote Now" - Words To Live By
I am the TV poll voter. I'm closer than you can possibly imagine, and I am not alone. Unnecessary backhanded compliment guy has joined forces with me, and he wants you to know that although he almost never reads Something Awful as of late, he enjoyed this article just enough to finish it.
More Human Than Electric Sheep
"Next subject," the intercom crackles, "A. Robot, engineer, waste disposal. New employees, six days." A large man enters the test administrator's office, awkwardly pats his hands against his standard-issue paper gown. "Come in," says the administrator. "Sit down, Mr. ... A. Robot, was it?"
I Have An Idea For A Game
There is a kingdom, but there is a shadow, dark and also metaphorical. The shadow has befallen the kingdom. Although you come from an unlikely beginning, only you can save the kingdom and probably the whole world.
A Chat With Star Wars: The Old Republic's Lead Creative Producer
When BioWare asked if I'd be interested in a scoop on the first Star Wars MMO since Tabula Rasa, I had to pause. A journalist always considers how many exclamation points go after "YES" in professional e-mails. Sorry for hijacking the front page with a straightforward interview, but I'm hoping you're as interested in this game as I am.
Essential Fallout 3 Mods
There are thousands of Fallout 3 mods out there, but only a few could be considered essential. If I had it to do all over again, this is what I would install to get the most out of the game the first time around.
My Future's So Dark, I Gotta Wear Spikes
Back in 198X our shared history totally split into two timelines when, through a series of unlikely events that can be traced back to a power surge as a young man saved his Dungeone & Dragons character data on an Apple IIe, the entire score from John Carpenter's The Thing became the U.S. national anthem.
Making Yum Yums
If you're like me, you love yum yums. The region I grew up in was a great area for the dish, a true "yum yum paradise" if you will. A family member used to make yum yums every Sunday morning before we all left for the weekly funeral.
Hopmo Is Too Strong
When we punch at him, he moves away and swats our knuckles. When we try to tackle him so that we may hold him down and punch him without interruption, he pushes us away. When we ask him to build a device that will hold him down for us, he refuses.
Ten Minutes With ArmA 2
I've never played the original ArmA. I don't even know what the title means, but I'm pretty sure it's short for Armed Army. (EDIT: A helpful reader corrected me, it's actually an abbreviation of Arm A)
Deep Within Windows 7's Help Database
Windows 7's least publicized feature is the drastically redesigned Help database, with over thirty times as many articles as the previous versions combined. We put it to the test, and got more Help than we could have possibly been prepared for.
Alex Mercer, Prototypical Dick
I run up the face of the largest building in the city, leap backwards, and let myself fall. The wind assaults me with the force of a tidal wave on a storm-battered shore. My hoodie never wavers.
Slipping The Surly Bonds
A wide-eyed man in an orange jumpsuit blotted out the clear blue sky, wobbling as an unseen crane on the launch pad lowered him onto the Endeavour's nose. Biting down on his lower lip, the launch prep crewman steadied himself and reached a wavering hand toward a slip of paper tucked behind the shuttle's windshield wiper.
I Have Composed New WWE Entrance Themes
Some of the WWE's best wrestlers need new entrance themes, and I'm the guy for the job. Eat your heart out girls. Hands off the merchandise.
Sims 3 First Impressions, inFAMOUS Sequel Ideas
Electricity is the solution to every problem you encounter in inFAMOUS which cannot be resolved through the use of random capitalization.
Virtual Indecent Maid 4 English F.A.Q.
Girls who fall into the mature personality are self-assured, smart, and somewhat jaded thanks to the rough-and-tumble lifestyle of their middle school surroundings.
My Pitches For The Pitchmen
In Pitchmen (the Discovery Channel's next logical step after bringing us Planet Earth), Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan pretend to drive each other insane while looking for inventions to feature in their infomercials. It's not a very good show. Pitchmen is ridiculous, contrived, overly scripted, and I want in on it.
News & Views For May 16th
This week we take a break from VGA's regular format to cover the tragic end of 3D Realms and the newly-unveiled controller peripheral for Tony Hawk's Ride.
Coach's Big Game Halftime Speech
Look, I don't care if the guy on the other team asks to see the ball, you don't give it to him. Yes, even if it's "just for a second" and he says please. The only people you should be giving that ball to are your teammates.Well, the next time he says that ask him for a receipt.
House With Leaves
The bank's motion-sensing doors parted for a wild-eyed man in his late 30's. His face tilted upwards, welcoming the puff of cool air across its dirt-caked features. Rivulets of sweat ran down his face and neck, depositing grime into the collar of what might have once been a white undershirt.
Wizard Of The Realm
Join thousands of fellow brave adventurers in the world's first Massively Multiplayer Single Character Role Playing Game as you cooperatively control Wizard, the only hero capable of saving the Realm from Boss and his loyal horde of Minions!
The World's Weirdest Laws
Stockholm, Sweden - In an otherwise lawless society, one maxim governs the land: No fat chicks. Many have chalked this up to the Swedes' quirky humor. The law, however, is quite serious, as is evident in the 1997 execution of six protesters affiliated with People For The Ethical Treatment Of Humongous Fat Asses.
Girl, Your Body Is Like A Metaphor
Your breasts are like a slightly mismatched pair of oversized oranges. If I grasped them with my strong but tender hands and gave them a honk, the sweetest orange juice would drip out from every pore. I'm not being poetic, I genuinely believe that's what would happen.
The Original Cast Of Half-Life
Gordon Freeman's silent nerd schtick is iconic, but he was very nearly a bulky, bearded angry viking with a flat top. Read on to see what similar fates nearly befell the Half-Life series' supporting cast.
Deathbed Testbed
It's been a little over a week since I lost my footing and tumbled down here. If only my balance had been as solid as the BFG GeForce GTX 260. With 896MB of onboard memory, this bad boy can run anything you throw at it with ease. Sure wish someone would throw me a rope, or some kinda trampoline or a pair of stilts.
Forgotten Battles Of The American Civil War
For every military encounter immortalized in history books, a hundred others only live on in the fleeting memories of those who survive and in the impartial soil of the battlefield that swallows up the blood of the fallen. These are the Civil War battles that you have never heard of.
Memorable Dialogue: Mike Tyson's Punch Out!
Mike Tyson's Punch Out! wasn't limited to pugilism and lilliputian player characters, it was also limited to useless banter between sweaty men with head injuries.
House Of 1,000 Laugh Tracks
Making people laugh takes a bit of intuition and a lot of hard work. That's why I can be found at the local gym on most weekday afternoons, walking into the public shower and nodding in smug satisfaction as the pointing and snickering commences.
This Month's Least Downloaded iPhone Apps
Adjusts the iPhone's internal restrictions, allowing you to touch the screen as much as you'd like. Makes the screen flash so you don't miss. Reminds you to touch the screen when screen is not touched. Contacts the authorities to tell them something horrible has happened when the screen has not been touched in more than five minutes.
Ancient Greece Express
With our new website, tracking your package through ancient Greece has never been easier.
That Gumball Sort Of Looks Like Kirby
Some see the virgin Mary in curly fries, we see Aeris in Mountain Dew stains. Come experience the visions that will make you believe that food can look like other things if you squint and are crazy.
Encounter With A Starving Pickup Artist
I'm something of a virtuoso when it comes to classical guitar. Louie Louie, Smoke On The Water, Every Good Boy Does Fine - you name it and I can play the first couple of chords. The Philharmonic begged me to join them, but it's just not in my nature to follow, you know? I'm a lone wolf. Hence the shirt.
Beta Living Through Feedback
As the writer of a video game article so popular it actually shows up as the second result in a Google search for "Video Game Article", my opinions are something of a hot commodity. Not a day goes by without a beta test invite seeking insights that can turn even the dullest of turds into glistening piles of pungent success.
This Week's Top Downloads On The iPhone App Store
Many don't believe it, but technology makes it possible. Now Adam has many more features, including face and background. Fans of original Adam on the N-Gage can enjoy this new version even more thanks to the digitally remastered kazoo soundtrack. Comes with optional "sepia" camera filter for...
Arch Rivals
What do you get when you combine professional athletes with consequence-free violence? The NFL offseason. Or this goofy basketball game where pantsing is encouraged more than passing.
Cutbacks
Come in, Christopher. Take a seat. I trust your family is doing well? Oh my. An industrial combine, right in the living room? I'm sorry to hear that they only came in second place, but that's still quite an accomplishment.
Boxageddon: Operaclypse Now - A Printable Miniatures Strategy Game
This starter kit will introduce you to the game with an easy-to-follow campaign, Operaclypse Now, in which you will print and craft your first miniature units from the Cardboardian Militia and Metallohedron Protectorate, then put their skills to the test in a desperate bid to enjoy an opera.
Memorable Dialogue: Root Beer Tapper
Remembering the exceptional writing that made Root Beer Tapper one of gaming's classic titles for the ages.
Peggle Nights
When end-stage Peggle Fever kicks in, the fun is just beginning.
Peter Parker Writes Some More News
After an unexpected hiatus, Peter Parker returns to the Daily Bugle as a contributing reporter. My Pulitzer sense... it's tingling!
Bill Gates: A Man Of Many Jars
Bill Gates caused quite a stir this Wednesday when he released a jar full of mosquitoes during a speech. His intent was to motivate influential people to combat malaria. Unfortunately, the bugs did not group together in a formation that read "MALARIA - LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT" as they had in rehearsal so the point was largely lost.
Patch Notes: Dawn Of War II
In addition to particle effects, added quark effects which cannot be seen even at the highest zoom level. We might have also implemented dark matter effects, but that's difficult to prove or disprove.
The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past
Princess Zelda has been abducted, and a young hero named Link must step over the corpse of his still-living uncle to fulfill his destiny as a hero.
Speechlisberger
You've written a great speech, really, but in my estimation it runs just over three hours in length - and that's not even taking into account notations like "pause for fifteen minutes of applause" or "do a little dance and mouth the words to the entirety of Kool & The Gang's 'Jungle Boogie' while the actual music is not playing".
Memorable Dialogue: Ice Hockey
Ice Hockey for the NES was ahead of its time. It was simultaneously fun, nationalistic, and accurate in its portayal of athletes who were mordibly obese. It was also chock full of unfrogettable prose.
Dr. Charles Rock's Science Blog
Experiment: Threw a rock at the sun. Result: Completely missed. Forgot to take the Earth's rotation into account. Untold damage inflicted upon the surface of the moon.
Steve Jobs Health Updates For Apple Employees
My weight loss is in no way related to cancer. It is, instead, the result of a hormone imbalance. This has caused my entire body to tilt to the left, making it extremely difficult to walk to the refrigerator, much less shovel a spoonful of macaroni and cheese into my yapper.
Double Dragon
When the chips are down and women are being punched in the stomach, two men of destiny will emerge from a mechanic shop with enough poofy hair to save the day. Enter the Double Dragon.
Top 15 Ways To Pander To Digg
Let it be known that we are for sale, and can fill the void left behind by failed game websites and publications immediately. We can adapt to any format, from news blog to extreme gaming lifestyle portal to tombstone epitath carvings.
Wargammer Miniatures
New to the Warhammer 40,000 experience? Intimidated by the high cost of miniatures and the hours it takes to assemble and paint an army before you can begin playing? Our expertly crafted, fully-painted miniatures are excellent substitutes for legitmate Games Workshop products - at a fraction of the price!
Spore
Spore might have been overhyped, but this strip will change your life in profound ways because it is without question the greatest comic in the history of sequential art.
Runner
"Stop," barks my trainer Gwen, a woman with many features and personality traits that would make for a fascinating and enjoyable description. Every time she turns to talk, her white van drifts from the road's shoulder and lazily sways in my direction. "Please, this is ridiculous."
