The Best Cures for Insomnia
Stay 'woke' on the best treatments for chronic sleeplessness.
More Musicians Who Deserve the Nobel Prize
Now that Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize in literature, hopefully these other great musicians will win the award in the future.
The Atrocities in This Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Would Make Great Band Names
Surveying the horrors of nuclear annihilation, I realize the hubris of my species and the grand indifference of the universe. But I have to admit, a lot of these horrors would make great band names.
Making $25 an Hour Is a Kafkaesque Nightmare
Office cubicles look a lot like a maze, if you arrange them into a maze and forget that in a maze you have to walk around, not just sit in a chair and browse Facebook all day.
Proposed Alternatives to Obamacare
Critics of Obamacare claim that it's unconstitutional, increases the national debt and imposes too many costs on businesses. But what do they propose we replace it with?
The Ending to Every Gingerdead Man Movie
Gingerdead Man 3: Someone punches or just sort of pokes the Gingerdead Man, exploiting his one weakness of being a man made of gingerbread.
Dear Lisa, I Still Have a Drug Problem
In Permanent Midnight, Jerry Stahl's heroin addiction alienates his friends and wife. I don't have any friends or a significant other, so I figured that for someone like me, drug abuse would have the opposite effect and make me popular.
This Slaughter Match Is On Hold Until That Woman in the Audience Stops Texting
Am I boring you? Does the flesh-rending, bone-splintering brutality of the Fight Palace put you to sleep? In the arena, a moment can mean the difference between life and death, but clearly a moment of your time is too much to ask.
Planet Fitness Is Truly a Judgement Free Zone. No One Ever Mentions What I've Done
The moment I step inside Planet Fitness, I feel completely at home. No prying eyes staring at me, judging me, like they do on the street. It's almost like that horrible, regrettable incident never happened.
My "Future Children's Party Clown" T-Shirt Made Me Become an Actual Children's Party Clown
I've never been one to define myself by my clothes, so an ironic "Future Children's Party Clown" t-shirt appealed to me. I might have been weird, but I knew I'd never become a children's party clown. Until I did.
The Simpsons Debate When a Fan's Life Jumped the Shark
In a change of format, the next season of The Simpsons will consist entirely of the cartoon family discussing the lives of their fans.
Oh Great, Another Giger Bar
Check out that biomechanoid in the corner with tentacles for hair. I bet she spent an hour on that hairdo she wants you to think she just crawled out of a pool of amniotic jelly with.
Where Have All the Teen Shoppers Gone?
The store is empty, funereal, a museum exhibit on twenty-first-century fashion. Mannequins stand vigil over untouched merchandise, staring at me like the bust of Ozymandias. If there were teens in this place, they left long ago.
