DVD Is Better than VHS
Blockbuster’s VHS section is deserted save a few ghosts. A headless lady drifts down a nearby aisle.
Character Bio Assignment: Professor Bittle
General Appearance: Looks like the witch from Legend. I know that’s telling not showing, so here’s a 1,000-word description, in the form of a picture.
29
I Googled ’29.’ I'll admit I was shocked. I know kids are into weird stuff; I was too in my day. My dad never understood it, but he accepted it. When you were born I said I'd do the same. Whether my son was gay, a communist, a rockabilly - I'd live with his choice. But THIS? It violates every rule I was raised by. I can't believe it's not outlawed!
The Webcomic Thief
‘Look,’ I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. ‘Keep the fantasy characters, the orcs and wizards. But use a spaceship instead of a coffee shop. And instead of having them just hang out and talk about RPGs, make them detectives solving space crimes.’ Something behind his eyes flicked on. His face beamed like a sunburst gradient.
Letters to a Girl
My new plan is to beg for sex. I'll stand on a corner with a sign saying 'Free Handjobs' and when people ask if I'm giving free handjobs I'll say no, I'm soliciting them.
Boss Is Big Time Menace (Part 1)
First day Subway. Boss is fat with face like bat wing.
If It's Not Too Late, I'd Still Like That E-Hug
You emailed me offering an e-hug. I never replied because I've never been e-hugged by a man and I was worried I'd enjoy it a little too much, meaning I'd get addicted to male e-hugs and would spend the rest of my life in chatrooms cybering for them.
Billy Corgan's Transphobia
Why is Billy Corgan so hostile to transpeople? I have discovered several possible explanations.
Duke Nukem Forever Will Turn You into a Stripper
This could happen to you! (You are one of the strippers in the background.)
Everyday Horror Stories
The Wolf Man seals the entrances to his heart one by one until Frankenstein is a broken skeleton.
Demon's Ex
‘I suspect your girlfriend Lindsey is Gremory, a Christian demon,’ Justin said. ‘He appears as a beautiful woman riding a camel.’ ‘Oh, Gremory.’ Brad sighed. ‘Yeah, she probably is.’ ‘Seriously,’ Justin insisted. ‘Lindsey's seductive, right?’ Brad shrugged. ‘I wouldn't call her seductive. Cute maybe.’ ‘And she rides a camel, right?’ ‘I think once.’
It's a Cool, Lonely World
This place is so ugly. All the buildings are made of bones and feces. Maybe I'll go urban-exploring.
Drive-Thru Monsters
One night my drive-thru headset fell in the shake machine. When I took it out, it was picking up monster voices. I told my manager Jeff, who said to change the battery and then went back in the office to do more coke even though he was trying to kick. To some people monsters aren't as shocking as to others.
Awful Places: Hampton Beach, NH
Most bad vacation spots are easily forgotten. Hampton Beach, New Hampshire is different. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth years later, like a Hubert Selby Jr. novel.
Appropriate Activities While Listening to Trent Reznor Instrumentals
Suggested activities while listening to Trent Reznor's spooky ambient clicks and drones.
Michael Richards' Apology
If you're reading this, and you're a six-legged deer, Michael Richards wants you to know he's sorry.
RE: Our Campus's Boulder Problem
It's a stone-cold fact that 90% of boulder attacks are ambushes.
Rightfully Missed Connections
Talked to you while browsing the manga section. Your opinions on Gunsmith Cats are insufferable. Would love to sit down and explain what "symbolism" and "character arc" really mean, just not when I'm immersed in the latest Excel Saga.
Crates, Etc. Spring 2011 Catalog!
Our Spring 2011 Catalog features fantastic savings on every type of crate you can imagine - and some you probably can’t. Although when you see them, you’ll wonder why you didn’t: They’re so simple yet elegant in design.
The Case against Freddy Krueger
Behind Mr. Krueger's winning smile and attractive campaign promises lurks a fortress of lies!
Everyday Revenge Fantasies
The girl who rejected your invitation to the prom is sitting in the break room at Waldenbooks …
Subs, Lies and Videotape
She took a bite of her sub, then put her hand on mine. It felt creamy and smooth, from the mayonnaise. Her legs were crossed: one swung freely, her heel dangling precariously. The other heel tapped a syncopated rhythm that served as a breakbeat to my heart, which cycled furiously; fueled by Splenda and a thousand lonely nights, but mostly Splenda.
49 Ways to Kill a Dalek
49 effective ways to kill a Dalek, the scourge of the cosmos.
A Guide to all the Rooms in the Universe
The easiest way to understand the universe is to break it up into smaller chunks. Especially since it's already been done for you. We call these chunks "rooms." They're the basic unit of our existence. All of the important events in our lives take place in them. Rooms are everything.
Gaming in the Nixon Years
Magic Oracle Media brings you the most up-to-date reviews of the most out-of-date games. This week we examine Hill Climb, Exidy's Old Time Basketball, and Haunted House and Chopper by Midway.
Requiem for a Fudgesicle
“You start just eating a few fudgesicles, and only at parties, but pretty soon you’re selling them to support your habit. Robbing ice cream stands on the side.” I’m licking the last chocolate off the stick and wishing he’d stop talking because it’s ruining my sugar buzz.
