Christmas is the Perfect Day to Think About Jeb!
NO DOnald! It's not over. This Christmas Jeb! is just getting started.
You Can Put All Your Fears to Rest: The Force Awakens is Good
Hopeful fans are consumed with worry about the new Star Wars movie. Allow J.J. Abrams to put those fears, and all others, to rest.
What the Toilet Ghoulie From Ghoulies Can Teach Us About Tolerance
As we confront the darkness of the American zeitgeist, we should turn to a true example of tolerance: the toilet ghoulie.
Good Guy With a Plan: How to Protect Yourself and Your Family From a Mass Shooting
With heavily armed and armored jihadis and maniacs invading our public spaces, there is only one clear path to self-defense.
The Best Black Friday Deals to Be Found By Smoking DMT, the Spirit Molecule
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
The Good Nerd From the GE Commercials is Developing the Singularity
You may think apps are cool, but there is actually something way cooler going on at General Electric.
In Memoriam: Jihadi John
Jihadi John has passed away at the young age of 27. He touched the lives of many and his loss will be deeply felt.
What Size of Flag Does Each Presidential Candidate Prefer?
Who among the 2016 presidential candidates has the biggest flag? Who has the smallest? These are the questions that demand answers.
Great Last Minute Halloween Costumes
If your head has been steaming trying to come up with a last minute Halloween outfit, let us ease that pressure with these great costumes.
An Outraged Thinkpiece From 1968 Following a Don Rickles Performance
All I wanted was a comedy show. What I got was an attack on my child and our family.
How to Escape From a Conversation About Fantasy Football
If you're not playing fantasy football, but your friends or coworkers are in a league, you are enduring the single worst thing a human can survive: the fantasy football conversation. We're here to help.
Ben Carson Would Murk a Gunman and Other Carson Solutions That Would Definitely Work
Doctor Ben Carson, Popeye's survivor, has some advice about school shootings, terrorists on airplanes, chopping malls, and more perilous scenarios.
To Survive, We Must Become Guns
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
No, Michael, Social Justice Warriors Are Not Ruining Comedy for Archangels
Sinners are an easy target and one that is already suffering in squalor. Aim higher. Punch up.
Questions Most Likely to Be Asked at the Next Donald Trump Town Hall
Voters are finally asking Donald Trump the hard questions and here are a few you are likely to hear at upcoming town halls.
I love the Flintstones Era. So I decided to live in it.
My wife and I dwell in a simpler time, even if the foolish modern world goes on around us.
Hey, Ted Cruz, the Bible Doesn't Mention Anything About Sonic Marrying Tails
The bigotry must stop in this country. Sonic and Tails belong together and their happiness is all that matters.
#NoLivesMatter
You've heard of #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter, but the ancient voice of a mountain offers us the hardest truth of all: #NoLivesMatter. And also some opinions about immigrants.
Let's Brainstorm Some Ideas for Our New ISIS Video
The ISIS head of propaganda holds a brainstorming session with his top men to come up with new viral videos.
We Must Honor Our Fallen Heroes and Continue the Fight For Our Right to Party
We did not begin this war, but America must not quit it until it has been won. Our rights must be protected and the sacrifice of all those brave men and women must be honored.
The Many Ways Satan Has Tested Josh Duggar
Satan has tested poor Josh Duggar at every opportunity and Josh hasn't always passed those tests.
Allow Me, a Journalist, to Describe the Captain America: Civil War Trailer to You
Making films may be a visual medium, we may live in an era of everyone having a video camera, but you're going to read a description of an advertisement.
If the Canadians Betrayed Us and Other Alternate D-Day Speeches
Dwight Eisenhower prepared for every contingency with his D-Day Speeches.
The World's Worst Ally
As a great ally, I just had some thoughts about the tone of your argument that would help out.
If Leading Republican Candidates Were Movie Monsters
Choose which screen beast you want to triumph in the primary and face Hillary in the lair of the white worm.
Donald Trump's Fantasy Cabinet Roster
Donald Trump is drafting friends, relatives, and even enemies into his fantasy cabinet.
Welcome to the Policeman's Haunted House of Horrors!
This Halloween, the most terrifying house for policemen is opening its doors. If you're a cop, get ready to have nightmares!
Clues Hidden in the Theme Song for True Detective Season 2
Leonard Cohen's "Nevermind" is sliced up differently for each episode of True Detective's second season. Find out what the lyrics mean!
OHHHHHH YYEEEEEAH! The Macho Man Warned You About Hulk Hogan
The real HELL IN THE CELL is inside Hulk Hogan's hateful jabroni heart.
reasoms donald trump ams best for america
HE BE BEST PRESIDENT. NO believe? YOU BELIEVE AFTER THIS SIMPLE FACT.
NASA New Horizons Pluto Mission Explores the Limits of the Word "Exciting"
NASA scientists have new data to analyze from the New Horizons probe that may finally help them to understand the word "exciting."
The Best Quotes From Beyond Scared Straight at Lambspoke Penitentiary
Unforgettable quotes from the time a cursed supermax prison played host to a weird bunch of troubled kids on this infamous episode of "Beyond Scared Straight."
Why I Won't Be Seeing the New Ghostbusters Movie
Since when did it become bad to have an opinion? I'm tired of being accused of sexism for not wanting all-female Ghostbusters.
Upcoming Encyclicals From Pope Francis, The Best Pope
Pope Francis, the best Pope, has a number of upcoming encyclicals to change the way Catholics view the world.
Female Comedians Should Be Grateful If Louis C.K. Beats Off In Front of Them
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Weird Horror Master Thomas Ligotti's Review of the Hotdog Pizza from Pizza Hut (Part 36)
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
Fantastic Beasts: New and Returning Harry Potter Characters
Harry Potter and friends are returning in a new trilogy of films. Get your wizard hats ready and find out who will be back and which fan favorites may be introduced to the screen.
Our Extremely Dumb Killer Whales Love It Here At SeaWorld
Terrible attendance and negative press have SeaWorld going on the offensive with an advertisement about their whales.
Confederate Flag Etiquette and Disposal
Useful information on how to display, handle, and properly dispose of the flags of the Confederacy.
A Girl Can't Focus On Science With Dr. Tim In Here Like Magic Mike
First Tim Hunt comes in here wearing no lab coat and just a sweater vest and button down, then he expects us to concentrate on labeling specimens. As if!
Women Are Not Capable of Understanding Robocop
First Kyle Smith explained why women can't understand Goodfellas, now he has an explanation for why women can't wrap their female brains around Robocop.
We Were Gutted To Repeatedly Read That You're Done With Game of Thrones
We are begging you: keep watching! Whether or not you watch Game of Thrones means everything to us.
Slavoj Zizek's Board Game Reviews (Part 35)
Philosopher and commentator Slavoj Zizek offers his analytical reviews of popular board games.
The Final Diary Entry of the Brooding Idiot From Hatred
The controversial new massacre video game Hatred is finally available. Find out what drove the nameless protagonist over the edge.
You'll Never Believe What Different Countries Are Searching for On HornySearch
What is the world searching for when it wants porn? The stats will blow your mind.
You Must Face the Elders for Breaking the One Rule of Farmers Only Dot Com
Apparently you do want to be lonely, because you defied the one rule of Farmers Only.
Things We Found in the Woods That We Are Not Telling Mom and Dad About
We've found some cool stuff in the woods. Now it's time for you to pinkie swear you won't tell mom and dad.
Men in Art Who Can't Even Believe Their Level of Privilege
If there is one quality all men in art share, it's male privilege. And they can't even believe how much of it they have.
Sorry, Ladies, They're Bio Truths
As much as modern ladies strive for total equality, they cannot escape the inherent truth of their biology.
TOOL Argues Against a Parking Ticket in Traffic Court
The band Tool goes to traffic court to argue, using diagrams, photographic evidence, and alt metal expanded consciousness, that they could not see a No Parking sign and therefore should not have to pay a parking ticket.
Your Chili Cheese Chicken is Pretty Fucking Far From Money
This tuna ain't working, bro, and this gross hot dog needs a one way trip to go live on your uncle's Flavor Farm.
Millennials Have No Idea How Good They Have It
These millennials have no idea how it feels to really work. They would never think about spending all day in the hot sun with their carapace baking and their dung drying out.
Yo Momma So Unspeakable or: H.P. Lovecraft Plays the Dozens
You may have thought that a long dead author who was basically terrified of black people would be bad at the dozens. And you'd be right.
I Am Just Helping Complete Idiots Be Their Best Selves
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
Increasingly Depressing Upcoming Loot Crates for 2015
Are you ready to be consistently depressed by how you're throwing your money and life away? Check out Loot Crate's 2015 lineup of upcoming crates!
What the Latest Trailer Tells Us About the New Brazilian Star Wars
The Internet is obsessed with the new trailer for Brazilian Star Wars part 2. We break down the action for insight into the upcoming film.
Cormac McCarthy Answers Questions For the Washington Post's "On Parenting" Blog (Part 34)
Legendary author Cormac McCarthy takes time out of his schedule of describing run down Americana to answer parenting questions.
These Signs Will Help Your Business Raise Money on Gofundme
Looking for a sweet, sweet taste of that conservative gofundme cash? Our signs will help your business get things started.
The Best Kickstarter Backer NPCs in Pillars of Eternity
The release of Pillars of Eternity has helped restore our faith in Kickstarter backed games. The Kickstarter backers pitched in to make a great game with these amazing characters.
The Sex Talk as Given By Pink Floyd
When your children need The Talk, where better to turn than prog rock legends Pink Floyd?
A Complete Chronological List of David Bowie Characters
Rock legend David Bowie has changed his identity with almost every album. Can you remember all these classic Bowie characters?
Actually, It is Buckley Carlson Who is the LabiaFace
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
History's Great Safe Spaces
Proof that so-called "safe spaces" are not a recent invention! Nobunaga's ambition was to have a safe space where he did not have to hear or see or think about his enemies
The Torturous Games Jimmy Fallon Will Make You Play in His Fiefdom of Hell
Guess you should have respected your parents, because you're dead and in hell now and Jimmy Fallon has some games for you to play to pass the time forever.
For Girls Only: Becoming a Good Woman
We have determined what is necessary to become a good woman. Heed our advice or lapse into failure.
Uses and Side Effects of The Perfect Drug, According to Nine Inch Nails
Federal law requires Nine Inch Nails to include all common side effects while promoting the benefits of their so-called "Perfect Drug."
Adrian Peterson, Who Beat His Child's Balls, May Not Return to the Vikings
NFL teams may soon be lining up to bid on a man who can destroy defensive lines as thoroughly as he destroyed his own child's balls.
The Case Files of Supreme Detective Vladimir Putin
Russian President Vladimir Putin has sworn to personally investigate the murder of opposition leader Boris Nemtsov. In fact, Putin plans to use his expertise to solve most major crimes.
Men's Hats Ranked From Most to Least Tainted
Finding the right hat can feel like walking through a minefield for guys. Did a murderer wear your hat? Was it ruined by bros? Are you just an idiot? Find out with our authoritative ranking of bad hats.
Best #AskHerMore Questions From the Oscars Red Carpet
Women on the Oscars Red Carpet this year finally get some decent questions thanks to the #AskHerMore campaign.
You Idiots Must Stop Believing in a Man in the Sky Who Makes Vaccines
New Rule: no more injecting your religion into this debate. The vaccine science is in and I have read several articles about it on Natural News.
The Ultimate Ranking of American Presidents
The official USA ranking of all American presidents, from George Washington to George W. Bush and beyond. Where does your favorite president rank?
Realistic Warnings About Jungles From Guns N' Roses
Heed the warnings of Axl Rose and do not visit an actual jungle. And if you do, be prepared to poop yourself to death.
The Full Truth Behind Those Footprints On the Beach
In this touching and deeply spiritual prose poem, the Lord finally answers my questions about all those footprints on the beach.
I Might Have Misremembered Defeating the Beast With the Krull Glaive
NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams apologizes for getting confused about some details about an incident that happened a long time ago on the planet Krull.
A Comprehensive List of Most to Least Honorable Ways to Die
Will you die fighting for what you believe or will you be stepping out of the shower when your pet kills you? From samurai duels to Craigslist deals gone bad, we rank all the ways to die.
Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
Who the Hell is Buying Rolos?
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Sniper Chris Will Make You Cheer and Then Change the Way You Think of America
That atheist professor should have kept his mouth shut around this American Sniper.
Heaven is for Real and for Some Reason I Went to Techno Heaven
6-year-old Hunter died and went to heaven. It just wasn't the heaven he was expecting.
I Have Simplified My Life With a Tiny House Full of Compartments for Porn
Time to say goodbye to suburban and city clutter and move out to an unzoned property with just me, my dog, and a selection of adult magazines in special compartments.
Boko Haram's Statement Upon Seizing Control of the Town From Footloose
The conservative town of Bomont is about to get slightly more conservative as the Nigerian terrorists invade.
Je Suis Charlie
With the help of the Internet, we offer our solemn tribute to the heroes of Charlie Hebdo who were brutally killed in Paris. Je Suis Charlie.
Our New Open Office Will Foster the Creativity of Insane Masochists
Shutter Island? More like open workgroup! We have devised a new floor plan for the office based on 19th century insane asylums.
The Full List of Groups Mentioned in the Original Draft of KMFDM's "Megalomaniac"
An early draft of the KMFDM song "Megalomaniacal" reveals a much more extensive list of interesting groups of people.
