Your Year in Review
What do you see in your year in review? A tragedy? A vacation? Strange and terrifying things? Yes!
Words That Need To Be Banned in the New Year
Time magazine wanted to eliminate a few words. We have a better idea and these words have got to go in 2015.
The Eight Games You Will Buy and Never Play from the 2014 Steam Holiday Sale
The 2014 Steam Holiday Sale is upon us! Find out which games you will buy this year and absolutely never play.
Mother: What Glenn Danzig is Really Planning With Your Children
Mothers, Danzig warned you in general terms about his nefarious intentions. Now find out what he specifically intends.
Film Reviews By Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill
Jump Street stars and infamous emailers Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill review some of the biggest movies in theaters now.
Twelve More Exclusive Star Wars Characters Revealed!
We have an exclusive leak of twelve more Star Wars character cards from The Force Awakens!
The World Needs More Episodes of Eaten Alive
Discovery's special featuring naturalist Paul Risolie donning a suit of rejected Halo armor and being very slightly "eaten" by a python needs to become a series.
These Techniques for Surrendering to a Police Officer Might Save Your Life
Surrendering to police can be dangerous for black men. These tips might just save a life.
Great Amazon Cyber Monday Deals for Weirdos and Idiots
If you're looking for a Cyber Monday bargain, and you're a weirdo, you can't do better than these fantastic deals.
To Be Clear, I'm A Thing, Not THE Thing
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
Fuck the Ocean: These Ocean Horrors Will Haunt You
The ocean is full of the stuff of nightmares and, no thanks to all that water, you can't even kill it with fire.
Help Me, I'm a Mom Who Became Trapped in Trending Headlines and Then It Changed the Way I Thought of Life
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
Neil deGrasse Tyson's Tweets Critiquing the Science Behind "Annabelle"
America's voice of scientific reason goes on a twitter tirade over the scientific accuracy of the possessed doll film Annabelle.
Our Rooftop Garden is Full of America's Most Pretentious Produce
We have curated a garden full of superior vegetables for you this rooftop growing season.
Extremely Overthought Pick Up Lines
The time-honored art of creeps using lines to pick up women at clubs is not for the thoughtful.
The Devil Has Pulled a Lot of Great Tricks That Deserve Credit
Sure, he made us forget he exists, but when you remember him you will realize he has done so much more.
Additional Uses for the F Key at a Call of Duty Funeral
Paying your respects isn't the only use for your F key at a military funeral. Impress your friends with these interactive tricks in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare.
Terminator AAAAUUUUUGGGHH
Take an exclusive look inside the new Terminator: Genisys film that has the Internet buzzing.
Halloween SWAT 2014 Booooorrendous Cat Costumes
Fashion SWAT returns at long last to expose the torment of man's second best friend.
BATTEREVIEW Battery Reviews: AAA Discussion
The world's most popular battery review site can host some fairly spirited debate about batteries.
Warning Signs That You May Be Trapped in a Tom Waits Song
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
Prepare to Be Thrilled By Kevin Spacey's Face Like Never Before
Call of Duty Advanced Warfare promises to up the ante on Kevin Spacey's face in a video game.
The Nightmare Realm of Youtube Videos for Children
Take a journey to the haunted end of the uncanny valley with these terrifying and just plain terrible youtube videos for children.
The Most Popular 2014 American Baby Names and Their Meanings
Naming a baby is hard, so take it easy and use one of these twenty popular baby names. We give you the whole story behind each one.
Dare to Take Humanity's Next Great Step and Send Twenty Rich People Into Space
The dreams and aspirations of all mankind can unite to lift about two dozen rich people into the heavens.
Ebola Health Alerts From Internet Idiots
Did you know Bill Gates caused Ebola? No? That's because you're not letting the Internet keep you informed about the dangers of this dreaded illness.
The Revised Ello Manifesto
Was Google+ getting crowded? Want to reconnect with the two people on Facebok who were talking about Ello? Our manifesto will change the way you view social networks.
Techwank: Only the Most Infuriating Upcoming Tech Headlines
Tomorrow's tech headlines you never want to see, before you have to see them.
You Won't Believe These Lesser Known Truck Driving Songs
If you're heading somewhere in a convoy, you can probably use these lesser known trucker songs.
Finding the Right Healthcare Provider After a Heroic Gun Fight
It's the middle of the night and you need ten bullets removed. Who can you trust?
Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food
Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.
A Paleolithic Man Definitely Could Have Put Pumpkin in Coffee
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
The Creepy Crimson Horror Artwork of Kult
Swedish supernatural horror role playing from the 1990s haunts us with bones and belts.
Our CyborFreak Enemies Raised Me in the Agonizer Grid and I Turned Out Fine
Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
The Official Review of U2's "Songs of Innocence"
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
We're the Bad Boys Your Ladies Want to Get With
Face it, bro, you're never going to get a hot babe with us around. We're the bad boys. It is definitely our fault women don't like you.
Unlikely Messages From the Emergency Alert System
You probably will not be seeing any of these alerts, but it's good to be prepared.
Memorable Moments From the Film "Bad Leftenant"
A bobby goes bad in this obscene UK remake of 1992's Bad Lieutenant.
Shades 51 Through 100 of Grey Are Not What You Would Expect
You thought you knew everything about hot-and-cold sex hunk Christian Grey? Think again. There are 50 things you didn't know. Shades, if you will. Sex shades.
A Week in the Life of the Sims 4
Strange things are tiny afoot in the lands of the Sims 4.
Jennifer Lawrence's Body Currently Under Review By Internet Anatomy Experts
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Memorable Quotes From Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing at Kotaku
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
I Would Rather Die Than See a Premature Holiday Display at a Store
This lousy world just gets lousier every year as these stores put out their skeletons and Santas in summer.
We Are Looking for the Right Ass to Star In Our Female Super Hero Movie
Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige lays out the plan for Marvel launching a movie based around a female super hero's ass.
Mike Ditka's Team Name Horseshit Roundup
Former Bears coach Mike Ditka has opinions about more than just the Redskins name.
Editorial: Criminals Do Not Deserve Twenty Seconds to Comply
It's time we stop tolerating lawlessness in our cities and coddling these criminals. Twenty seconds to comply is too long for ED-209 to get the job done.
Ice T's Reading of a D&D Book is As Good As You Think
Musician and actor Ice T's reading of a D&D book has finally arrived and it is as good as you thought it would be.
The Best and Worst Covers of Heavy Metal's First Decade
Steve and Zack look back on the best and worst of the first ten years of Heavy Metal Magazine covers.
Subway Rewards Loyal Customers and Punishes Those Who Betray Us
You thought you could get away with it. Now you will pay the price for your disloyalty to Subway.
The Groundbreaking Bravery of Monsieur Toilet
After first witnessing a toiletman performer as a child, French inventor Guillaume Foss realized his destiny and transformed himself into a permanent toilet.
Items Available at Neo Country Buffet
Neo Country Buffet is about to E.X.P.L.O.D.E. with these deals on food sourced locally from the violent underbelly of the city.
Overthought Pick Up Lines
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
The No Bullshit Steps to Total Contentment
Enough fads! Follow a guaranteed path to peace and contentment.
Chuck Palahniuk's Lifehacks (Part 33)
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
The Many Powers of the 100% Brain
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
A Cowboy's Wild West Guide to Modern Gunfighting
Out here in the Wild West we got some rules for gunfightin', like a pregnant lady ain't gotta be carryin' iron for you to draw on her first.
Who is John Galt?
You've been wondering. Now you can finally get the answers about John Galt.
Just What I Wanted, A Block of Ice Full of Apples
As a vicious predator, I find that I have a constant, overwhelming urge to lick apples out of a huge block of ice. It's only, natural, right?
The Real Truth About the Malaysian Airlines Crash in East Ukraine
July 17th, 2014 was a huge day for all the news THEY don't want you to read. We are all hands on deck with our TRUTH from the breaking news out of East Ukraine, Israel, and Libya.
It Is What It Is
We found this sort of orb. Egg maybe? I dunno. It is what it is.
Honest Reviews of Scotch Whisky
Are you a connoisseur? Do you know blends from single malts? Only a refined palate can truly appreciate all the different ways Scotch can taste terrible.
The Alpha Weed Comedian
At 4:20, not 4:19, not 4:21, I take my cannabis pills and step into the sensory deprivation tank to work on my stoner laugh. You think it comes naturally? Fuck you.
I Can Only Enjoy Video Games With Featureless Blocks as Protagonists
There is a simple reason they keep making games with featureless blocks as protagonists: featureless blocks are the majority of gamers.
The Battle of the Stupidest Rifts Characters
Steve and Zack battle to see who can find the stupider character class in Rifts.
Things Your Grandfather's Goddamn Tax Dollars Can and Can't Fund
Too much tax money getting wasted. It's real simple. We need ramps, ropes, slides, attack helicopters and a goddang bulldozer to get the Irish out.
Phrases From Fireworks Danger Demonstrations or Heavy Metal Lyrics
Every year the dangers of fireworks to children are brought up by local news and Internet videos. But what about the dangers of heavy metal to children?
CelebAnswers Presents: The 7 Hottest Celebs Without Make Up
We have made this slideshow of celebrities without make up. Good luck to you.
My Flag Stands for Heritage, Not Hate
I am sick of people claiming my flag stands for hatred and bigotry. That flag is not about hate. It stands for my precious heritage.
You Won't Believe the Heartless Thing An Imaginary Person Did to My Child
The Worst Mommy Blogger shares the cruel story of her trip to a Cabela's with her son wearing a pink shirt. The heartless behavior of some people she imagined will threaten your faith in humanity.
Rifts World Book: South America (1994)
Steve and Zack celebrate the World Cup with a Rifts-style trip to South America.
These 9 Maps Reveal the Differences in Regional American Dialects
Find out what Americans call a long sandwich, an athletic shoe that is cut high on the ankle or a game with a round ball kicked towards goals.
Ernest Hemingway Writes Sonic the Hedgehog / Halo Crossover Slash Fiction (Part 32)
Legendary writer Ernest Hemingway dares to turn his simple prose to the forbidden romance between Frontier Zone sheriff Tails and hunky outlaw Master Chief
"Terry Richardson Made Me Grow a Dick" and Other Horror Deeds Done by Terry
A rock and roll fashion photographer being creepy with models? Yes, it can happen. It has happened. The nightmare is real. I'm sorry.
An Old Man's Guide to Writing Columns About Sexual Assault
Are you an old guy writing for one of America's most prestigious newspapers? Do you want to write a column about sexual assaults being exaggerated on college campuses? We're here to help.
We Owe it to the Iraqi People to Drop a Shitload More Bombs on Them
When we invaded Iraq in 2003 we were making a solemn promise to the Iraqi people. Now more than ever, the region desperately needs America's leadership. And bombs.
Time is a Squared Circle: Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage are True Detectives
When confronted with a string of dead Nitro Girls, veteran grapplers Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage join forces to solve the crime.
A Woman Developer Will Make Our Logistics Software Too Girly
The senior software engineer for Loadini Pro shares his concerns about hiring a woman to develop the logistics software.
Social Media Pressures Ty Cobb to Issue an Apology
Outraged Twitter users manage to force an apology from infamous baseball star Ty Cobb over his recent statements and actions.
Please Do Not Kill Anybody Because of Slenderman
Do not try to kill anybody because of a fake, floppy-armed idiot trying to throw notes around the forest.
John F. Kennedy's Famous Speech About Curving the Television
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy stood before a nation and dared us to dream of the surface of our televisions being curved.
Maya Angelou Writes Descriptions for 3D Printer Models on Thingiverse (Part 31)
The world has lost legendary poet and author Maya Angelou, but she lives on in our 3D printers.
The Weirdest West Art of Deadlands
Steve and Zack follow the trail into the Deadlands and have a look at some of the weirdest and worst art from the game series.
5 Powerfully Moving Lists on BuzzFeed Tagged as "Memorial Day"
These GIFs and pictures of dogs from BuzzFeed will remind you why our young men and women fought and died on faraway battlefields.
These Celebrity Cars Have Not Aged Gracefully
Some celebrity cars age gracefully, but not these. It's a regular horror show of old, busted-up celebrity cars.
The Questionable Art of BattleTechnology Magazine
Steve and Zack look back on some of the questionable artwork from the BattleTech magazine.
The Absolute Worst Freddy Krueger Nightmares
Rude nightmare master Freddy Krueger appears in a sandwich and spits mustard on a woman's face. "It's baloney!" he cackles, referring to the sandwich.
A Look Back on the Twin Peaks Expanded Universe
Explore the whole Twin Peaks expanded universe, from the Secret Diary of Laura Palmer to mercenary fighter pilot Vance Crandal's battle against UFOs.
Achtung! Cthulhu Adventure: Catch-666 (Part 3)
Steve and Zack return to the windy alps to battle cosmic evil in the finale of Catch-666.
In Addition to What Thou Wilt: Our Thelemic Temple's Revised Rules
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be a Great Place to Start With Reasonable Rules Regarding Our Temple.
Dante Alighieri Writes the Menu for Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen & Bar (Part 30)
Put your sunglasses on the back of your head and join Dante Alighieri on his journey into the abyss.
The Winners of the "Hard Ticket to Baghdad" Art Contest
Steve and Zack announce and discuss the winners of the Hard Ticket to Baghdad art contest.
Our Cosmos Explained By a Guy Who Fucking Loves Science
A man existing on a steady diet of Cosmos and the "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook feed decides to enlighten us.
A Black Metal Singer Writes to an Adoption Agency
Black metal singer Virgo Stormreckoner is summoning all the dead gods to implore Happy Starts Adoptions to let him adopt.
Achtung! Cthulhu Adventure: Catch-666 (Part 2)
Steve returns to World War 2 where he discovers a sinister vault and receives an impossible radio transmission.
I Am Changing Our Logo to Comic Sans
After numerous logos and brand identities we are finally making the transition to outright contempt.
Don't Let Cliven Bundy's Words Distract From the Real Issue: Slavery is Good
Cliven Bundy's recent comments about slavery have stirred the media hornet's nest, but let's not lose sight of the issue here: slavery is really good.
Achtung! Cthulhu Adventure: Catch-666 (Part 1)
Zack takes Steve on an adventure into weird World War 2 courtesy of Achtung! Cthulhu.
The Other Things Skynet Does After Becoming Self-Aware
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Experience the Internet of 2014
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Address to the Supreme Council of the Illuminati Concerning Youtube User HolkHogan420
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans. He is one step ahead of them at every turn.
Friedrich Nietzsche is Hired to Write Headlines for Upworthy (Part 29)
Nietzsche will make you believe God is Dead after you see what these kids did for their sick classmate.
Girl, Let's Get Together and Make Sex Videos For Wikipedia
Girl, you know I just want to get you home, take off all your clothes and spend hours recreating obscure sex things for Wikipedia.
RIP the Ultimate Warrior, Cosmic Horror Fighter
Steve and Zack remember Ultimate Warrior and remind you about their contest.
Warning Signs Your Date Has Become a Found Footage Movie
The date seems to be going great, but only because you have been ignoring these warning signs that your life may be endangered by found footage.
William Faulkner Presents His Evidence of Sighting Bigfoot (Part 28)
Great southern author William Faulkner, also an avid cryptozoologist, relates his encounter with bigfoot.
What We Found in This Dumpster Will Change the Way You Look at Life
Go on the adventure of a lifetime in your neighborhood dumpster.
The Final Battle in the War on Men's Rights
Most of the frontline units of nice guys are already in the friendzone and the Gynocrat has achieved pay equity. Can Big Boss Bedrock save mankind?
Charles Bukowski's Poems About the Technological Singularity
American poet Charles Bukowski, known for his squalid poems about the working class, comes to terms with the age of tech.
Regarding Our Zoo's Rebranding as "The Insane Horror Zoo"
In order to make a brand omelet, you're going to have to break a few giraffes and lions.
The Gossip Column of a Giant Praying Mantis
Is that KANYE WEST's visible heartbeat? You won't believe which Los Angeles luminaries entered this columnist's threat range this week!
Spotting the Differences Between a Gamer Girl and a Girl Gamer
Gamer Girl or Girl Gamer? Know how to spot a girl who is not treating video games with the utmost respect they deserve.
The Call of Contestlhu: Hard Ticket to Baghdad
Steve and Zack announce their new 1990s Call of Cthulhu themed art contest.
New York Times Columnist David Brooks Offers His March Madness Predictions (Part 27)
David Brooks, a man who has not watched basketball in years, gives you the hot picks to help fill out your own March Madness bracket.
Tech Game Changers at SXSW 2014
SXSW is the world''s hottest tech show next to Comic-Con and the Mex-Texas Rodeo Convention. Find out what 2014's biggest innovations were.
The Lollapaloozicon Random 1990s Cthulhu Adventure Generator
Need a quick adventure idea for your 1990s Cthulhu campaign? Steve and Zack have you covered.
Guy Writing Walking Dead Episode Recaps Super Glad True Detective Is Over
Only three episodes left until the big finale of this show! The finale you have all been waiting for to season 4. Or was it season 5?
I Cannot Continue to Review Mobile Games for a Network Funded by Vladimir Putin
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Call of Cthulhu "1990's Handbook" - Saved by the Yith (part 5)
Kurt Cobain and gang finally learn the truth behind Morton Downey's evil scheme.
H.P. Lovecraft Describes the Unspeakable Things He Witnessed in the Star Wars Films (Part 26)
H.P. Lovecraft is subjected to all six Star Wars movies and tries to put into words the horrors he witnessed.
THE JERK STORE CALLED
The Jerk Store called and just read off a list of jokes without pausing for me to say anything.
Call of Cthulhu "1990's Handbook" - Saved by the Yith (part 4)
Eazy-E enlists the help of an unusual ally to escape police and crash a presidential debate.
You Would Be Perfect for an Internship at My Hamburger Firm
Are you another millenial waiting around for the world to hand you your future? Accept one of our unpaid internships and make a future with your hamburger career.
My Greatest Joy is Karing for the Babies Kreated in My Fighting Tournament
Outworld emperor Shao Kahn experiences the most difficult and most rewarding kombat of all: fatherhood.
Call of Cthulhu "1990's Handbook" - Saved by the Yith (part 3)
Clues from Courtney Love lead Cobain, Left Eye, and Eazy-E to the Salton Sea, where they encounter horror and danger that leads them closer to the truth.
Rust Cohle, Guidance Counselor
True Detective's nihilist philosopher cop explores his alternate career options as a school guidance counselor. Not that we can change what's gonna be.
This Was All According To My Plan
You think I don't want to be here? I have meticulously planned events to be exactly here. You have lost, you just don't know it yet.
Call of Cthulhu "1990's Handbook" - Saved by the Yith (part 2)
Kurt Cobain battles ghouls, Eazy-E investigates a Chi-Chis, and Left Eye blows up a strip mall.
William Gibson Describes the Attractions at Colonial Williamsburg (Part 25)
The father of cyberpunk, William Gibson, is plugged into the marketing for Colonial Williamsburg.
11 Weirdest Totally True Sochi Hotel Experiences
Reporters arriving in Sochi have been faced with an ordeal of unfinished hotels, weird bathrooms, and lots of funny signs. Luckily, they're tweeting about it!
Call of Cthulhu "1990's Handbook" - Saved by the Yith (part 1)
Kurt Cobain and friends must thwart a sinister presidential bid by Morton Downey Jr.
These Yoga Pants Look Really Good
Yoga pants on butts. Yoga pants above our cities. In our garages. We need them, but what if they don't need us?
Hunter S. Thompson Recaps Last Night's Episode of Big Bang Theory (Part 24)
Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson gets down in the trenches and gives an episode recap of last night's Big Bang Theory.
The 7 Biggest Upcoming Feels of 2014
You'd better be prepared for the most epic Feels of 2014.
VFX Animator Broke Down and Cried Over "Hobbit" Green Screens
Ian McKellen's green screen breakdown was nothing compared to a Weta animator forced to scale hobbits for hundreds of hours.
Sing Pappy's Sorrow: I Fear de Swagga Gwon Amok wit de Bebe (Part 3)
Justin Bieber's Sing Pappy, Buddy Breaux, has heard about Bieber's arrest and sends his concern and advice to Monsieur Usher.
For Male Gamers Only
Gamer? Male? Congratulations, you are wanted to save the kingdom with your balls.
Edgar Allan Poe is Hired to Sell Sleep Number Beds (Part 23)
Celebrate Poe's belated birthday with a spine-supporting tale of the macabre, sponsored by Sleep Number Beds.
Arming Gun Control Advocates is the Only Way They Will Achieve Their Goals
Only one thing can budge the intractable argument of gun control: more guns. Lots and lots more.
Heavy.com Presents: The 5 Most Droolworthy Pieces of Ass on the House Committee on Armed Services
Heavy.com's horny readers get tipped off on all the hottest action coming out of the House Committee on Armed Services.
The E! Network's Outrageous Golden Globes "FUN FACTS"
E! Network used the Golden Globes to remind us all about our slowly decaying bodies. Luckily, they also offered a solution.
Frank Herbert Reviews Craft Beers for His Brew Blog (Part 21)
Frank Hebert believes that he who reviews the beer controls the universe. Luckily, he has a blog to do exactly that.
You Just Don't Understand Kim John Un Like Me
America's #1 ambassador to Korea takes a shot at explaining his mission of peace and birthday wishes.
Dr. Dolittle Confronts the Constant Existential Horror of Being an Animal
Dr. Dolittle quickly tired of speaking to animals. It was always such a big downer.
Developer Quotes From Steam Early Access Games
Find out what the developers of some of the hottest upcoming Steam games are saying to get you to buy into early access.
The Stupidest Articles from Slate's Matt Yglesias in 2013
We look back on a miserable year of Slate writer and twitter sensation Matt Yglesias.
