2009 Presidential Press Conference Preview (The Democrats)
We're taking a peek at 2009, when a new president takes office and is forced to weather the storm of his or her press conferences. This sort of detail is overlooked by the pundits, but with a heaping helping of conjecture we're giving you the scoop on how the candidates might perform.
The Lie of the Technological Singularity
Can super-science really kill us all when TiVo has recorded 19 episodes of Toolbelt Diva for your suggestions? Answers to this and other pressing questions as Zack takes a look at the likelihood of a technological singularity doomsday scenario.
2007 Year-end Presentation to the Board of Fushitsu Adhesive Amusements Concern
For over 17 years Fushitsu Adhesive Amusements Concern of Hokkaido, Japan has been bringing America the finest in adhesive entertainment. Recent years have been rough for Fushitsu, but their acting CEO has a bold new idea to save the company from financial insolvency. Prepare to meet the future of automotive decals.
Barack Obama's Kindergarten Essay
Barack Obama's astonishing kindergarten essay, "I want to become president," revealed at last! Find out why this madrassa-going kindergartener had the audacity to dream of taking over the most powerful and Christian nation in the world.
The 10 Most Awful Cures
It was Nietzsche that said, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger," but what if the thing that's supposed to make you stronger ends up killing you? Then it will probably make an appearance on our list of the 10 Most Awful Cures. Snake oil, quackery, scams, and medical madness all have a place on our list.
Weekend Newsblargh!
While you were out having fun over the weekend the media has been piling up story after story filled with useless information. Get a start on your week with a steaming pile of news direct from us to your lap. Enjoy, senor!
Kid Nation Rememberance
A return to my predictions for Bonanza City and an account of what really happened on the pioneering CBS reality show Kid Nation.
Bronson Custard's Exotic Escort Reviews
Looking for a date, but don't want to actually date? Bronson Custard's Exotic Escort Reviews will give you all of the tools you need to find the one night stand of your dreams. Bronson selects only the finest escorts and then lets you, the client, control her reviews.
Something Awful Endorses a Candidate
You've waited and wondered, but at long last the time has come for Something Awful to endorse a candidate for President of the United States of America. We put our official seal of approval on one of the candidates competing for the democratic or republican nomination. Find out who we have selected!
The Justice Legion Inbox
The email inbox of Justice Legion HR rep and Amazonian Queen Diana is regularly overflowing with emails from her fellow heroes and heroines. Take a journey to the secret workings of the Justice Legion inbox and learn just what happens when you pick on a hero one too many times.
Voters Love Talkin' Junk
Six average American voters were asked a series of questions about the ongoing presidential primary campaigns. Their answers to our questions may shock you.
The 14 Most Awful Moguls
They're rich, famous, and have all the things you think you want. These 14 mega-moguls are a mixture of the rich, powerful, and absolutely dire. Get ready to be reminded why you hate each and every one of them.
Mission Briefings from Hell: Operation Glorious Pegasus
The pegasi danced above the battlefield, like white birds or angels or pegasi. My father was up there on that day, but you get to experience the living hell of the mission briefing for Operation Glorious Pegasus. It comes with everything but the noose.
2007 Research Grant Applications for the Institute of Applied Creation Science
Since 1997 the Institute of Applied Creation Science has brought the world technological and scientific advancements based on the founding principals of creation science. We lead the world in faith-based bridge building, advanced Christian aerospace engineering, and Biblical metallurgy.
My Unsatisfactory Dining Experiences
It's amazing! Every single restaurant chain's website includes a link for you to email their corporate offices with your comments and criticism. I took advantage of these links and sent five complaints about unsatisfactory dining experiences to five of the world's biggest restaurant chains.
This Week in Zack (November 9th - 16th)
An update about what's going on with Zack. Find out what he's doing and what he thinks is cool (or not cool) in the world. His thoughts on babies, the pizza of the week, and much more!
The 26 Most Awful Toys from China
China has earned a reputation recently for exporting toxic toys to the United States and other countries. Take a look at 26 toys from China that haven't raised any toxicity flags, but are probably just as bad for you and your family.
This Torture Issue Isn't Very Complicated
New US attorney general Michael Mukasey was confirmed by the Senate on Thursday, but he seems to be struggling with what constitutes torture in the eyes of the law. This open letter to Mukasey offers helpful insights on the reality of torture and what to do when a terrorist confesses to hunting the Queen's unicorns.
Bjorn Ironbaum, Fantasy Therapist
The denizens of Kinglandia come to one man when they start feeling down. Bjorn Ironbaum is the best psychotherapist and he has the advice and prescriptions for their ailing hearts and minds.
America is Inadequately Pumped
America's pumped-upedness reached its apex in the late 1990s. Since then America has fallen on hard and decidedly un-pumped times. Can we recover?
GREATEST NEWS HOLLYWOOD
Mysterious merchant Achmed Owlcat, purveyor of fine wares, offers a solution for Hollywood's looming writer's strike: buy his discount scripts. Everything must go!
Hel-Looks SWAT
Zack and Dr. Thorpe are back with Fashion SWAT! Helsinki, Finland supplies the fashion misfires by way of Hel-Looks.com. Once you read this article, you'll never be able to look at a manga the same way again.
Google Future - America Responds to Disaster
FEMA has been making headlines recently for its fake news conference, but what sort of tricks might FEMA be up to five years from now? Thanks to Google's new Google Future service we can all learn how FEMA and other American institutions will respond when faced with a series of terrible natural disasters. I'm sure they'll do a great job!
The Smoking Gun Presents: Cranial Impalement Hospitality Rider
Something Awful and The Smoking Gun have joined forces to present the hospitality rider from death metal sensation Cranial Impalement's 2004 European tour. Learn what these malevolent metal machines are demanding from their venues. They bid you bring them everything from hot dog buns to a forklift. Nothing escapes their wanton bloodiness.
Great Conversations History Missed
The Nixon Tapes, the Lincoln-Douglas Debate, that question George W. Bush tried to answer about tribal sovereignty; great conversations are recorded for posterity every day. Some slip through the cracks, but we think you will remember these.
Instruction for a Fruit (Part 1)
Instruction to take a fruit and make it grow with love and kindness. A fruit is a very good thing. A fruit must be saved. A mans from below wants to hurt a fruit.
The 13 Most Awful American Fears
This special Halloween edition of Most Awful introduces the hysterical fears of Americans. Can anything be scarier than Hellraiser IV: Bloodline? No, but here are some equally dumb alternatives!
The Epicurean Dilettante
Imagine a magazine created for readers so rich that the cover price is listed in pure gold. Now imagine people ten times that rich. Only the extremes of excess and depravity can elicit a response. Epicurean Dilettante is all too happy to help find those extremes.
Blue Stripe: The Life and Times of Darth Vader's Physical Therapist (Part 7)
Darth Vader's physical therapist relates his life experiences at the side of one of the moodiest bosses in the known galaxy. Coaxing Lord Vader into a therapeutic pool or convincing him to make the switch to a raw food diet can be dangerous for a hardworking therapist's health.
The Death of Lindsay Dawn Riley
In 1999 I visited my friend Todd, in Tucson, and was given some bad news and some even worse news. This is the story of the legendary nymphomaniac she-beast Lindsay Dawn Riley and how she learned a tragic lesson about thermite.
Amazon Reviews for Products I Used in Dreams
Some scientists believe that the dream realities we create when we sleep are just as important as the real world around us. If that's true, then our opinions within those dream realities should be just as valid.
The 22 Most Awful Moments in Science Fiction
Over the years science fiction has had a rocky relationship with the public. At long last the official list of the 22 Most Awful Moments in Science Fiction.
Great Moments in Consumer Responses
Towering figures of history have the same needs and urges as any other person. They buy the same products and they get pissed off when those products suck. Learn what separates their angry letters from our angry letters.
Google Future - The Rapture
The End Times are approaching, but you can get a taste of things to come thanks to Google Future. This incredible new Google News innovation allows you a glimpse at the headlines of tomorrow. Find out just how terrible the Tribulation is going to become.
Less-awesome Weapons
The spread of nonlethal and less-lethal weapons among modern police forces has had both positive and negative impacts on society. On the plus side: hilarious tasering videos. On the minus side: you getting tasered.
Zero-Stars: Fall Failure Spectacular
Hollywood hates you, but we love you! Heed our warnings about this fall's upcoming wastes of money and you might just survive with your self-respect intact.
The 8 Most Awful Minorities
A detailed and surprising examination of the 8 Most Awful minorities in the world.
Kid Nation Predictions
The new reality show Kid Nation allows 40 children under the age of 16 to create their own society without adult supervision. Will they create a utopia better than adults or will they drink bleach and rule one another through fear? Find out what happens in these carefully-researched spoilers.
Wizardique Spa
A brochure that explains Wizardique's multi-sensory spa experience and their commitment to healthy wizardry.
Voters Say the Darnedest Shit
Candid answers from American voters on a selection of topics. Their responses range from blunt to strange and just about all points between.
Been Longin' for Bin Laden
Using scientific methods learned on the streets of his suburban high school, Harry Hyperbole dissects the upcoming Osama Bin Laden video.
The 7 Most Awful Things to Happen to the Internet
A surprising list of the 7 Most Awful things to happen to the Internet. Spyware? Furries? Flash advertisements? No! Prepare to be shocked and enraged!
Blue Stripe: The Life and Times of a Firefly Class Mechanic (Part 6)
Find out how someone with no sense of adventure lives their life and works aboard a Firefly class, in this gripping tail of a blue-collar space western.
The War for Lake Michigan
Although you may not be aware of it, there was a major war fought over Lake Michigan this summer.
Google Future - The World is Fat
Seven years into the future the world is a waistland. The Fat of the Land are the standard, but what's in the news? Find out thanks to Google's latest innovation, Google Future. Bringing you headlines from up to 75 years into tomorrow.
Worst Contact
Everyone ponders the question of whether or not we're alone in the universe, so how about a little time for the question of whether or not we even want to know the answer. That first contact isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Back Seat Drivers
The truth behind Michael Moore's documentary "Back Seat Drivers"
Lesser-Known Quotations
A selection of Benjamin Franklin's lost aphorisms are just a few of the fine-but-forgotten quotations from famous people included in this article.
The Great American Reach Around - The Final Countdown (Part 14)
Thirteen weeks have been blessed with the honeyed kiss of the Great American Reach Around, but this is the last hurrah. Find out all you ever wanted to know about Arizona, plus a whole lot more. Read up on Croatia, Spain, Italy, Denmark, and more! We're overflowing with international friendship and fat jokes about Americans.
The 1,000,000,000 Mega-Owned Yearbook Fags
Harry Hyperbole presents this year's finest selection of yearbook slams.
Crucifun: The Wide World of Crosses
Jesus-killers, islamofascists, and vampires beware! Within this article you will find the greatest collection of Christian iconography known to man or beast. Your skin will crack and turn red, your blood will boil, and steam will roll from your body as you endure the Crucifun!
Oblivion's Wonderful Legacy (Act III) - Turning_Japanese.esp
Horrible Oblivion mods from Japan.
Google Future - The Ron Paul Presidency
Google Future gives us a glimpse of tomorrow as it may be up to 75 years into a possible future. It comes complete with News+, a fully-searchable database of news and headlines. This time around we use it to look forward to 2011 and the Ron Paul Presidency.
The Great American Reach Around - American Grab-Bag & Russia & Switzerland (Part 13)
Alaska, Colorado, Russia, and Switzerland. What do these three things have in common? Well, first of all, there are four of them there you fucking moron. Second, they're all featured in this week's installment of the Great American Reach Around! Huzzah!
Oblivion's Wonderful Legacy (Act II) - Erotic Fun for Adult Children
An assortment of filthy and strange Oblivion mods, including Michael Jackson, prostitution, and huge deformed boobs.
Hearts N' Minds: A Tribute to Iraq War Music
The grind of long deployments has inspired some soldiers in Iraq to make a little music. Check out what they have achieved.
Zeph Mercurial and the Tragic Epidemic of Asperger's Syndrome
A case study of a victim of Asperger's Syndrome designed to promote a better understanding of this new and terrible illness sweeping the Internet. Get out your stethoscopes, because once you're done reading this article it might just be time for a self-diagnosis.
Oblivion's Wonderful Legacy (Act I) - Useful Additions
A journey into the seedy and stupid world of Oblivion mods.
Grandpa Story Xchange
The Grandpa Story Xchange lets you trade, sell, and buy grandpa stories! No story too boring and no topic too strange. The ultimate stop for your grandpa story needs!
The Great American Reach Around - California and South Africa (Part 12)
California and South Africa await a visit from the Great American Reach Around. Dare you thrust betwixt these two lands of intrigue? You dare!
Cobra After-Action Report: The Great Alaskan Land Grab (part two) (Part 14)
Cobra, GI Joe, and Red October are all hunting for the Great Seal of Alaska in the frozen north. What does a lost city of Cossacks and a 150 year old steam ship have to do with it? You'll have to read the article to find out, but it's a safe bet that it's really stupid!
Cobra After-Action Report: The Great Alaskan Land Grab (part one) (Part 13)
Cobra attempts to take over Alaska using a legal loophole and a gem-encrusted cup. Can Tomax and Xamot pull off their nefarious scheme, or will the Joes deftly thwart them? How about neither.
Bill Paxton's Awesome World
Forget the fake facts about lame actors selling exercise equipment, Bill Paxton is the real thing.
SUNNY19 Action News - Your Sunshine News Source
Tired of negativity? SUNNY19 Action News is your positive news source.
The Great American Reach Around - Texas and Mexico (Part 11)
Week ten of the Great American Reach Around takes us to Texas and Mexico.
Bin Laden Determined to Strike with the Mentally Disabled
Fighting the Great Satan ain't what it used to be. Find out what went wrong with terrorism and why.
A.P. Brown is the Guarantor of Absolute Satisfaction (Part 9)
Fur mogul A.P. Brown responds to his critics and reacts to the needs of his respected customers.
Great Moments in Wrestling Tribute History
Bad tributes from pro-wrestling. What's next, bad acting?
A Review in Anger of The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
A rambling and nearly pointless review of "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce. Featuring cameos by P.J. O'Rourke, Thomas Friedman, Dennis Miller, and various other public figures aching to be submerged in molten lead.
The Great American Reach Around - Florida, New Orleans, and Germany (Part 10)
Week nine of the Great American Reach Around finishes out the South with Miami, Florida and New Orleans, Louisiana, then heads across the Atlantic to our old friends in Germany to check out Darmstadt and Mayen.
Nominees for the 2007 Goku Awards
The nominations are in for the 11th annual Goku erotic fanfiction awards. Celebrate the nominees in the four major categories, including a look at the three up-and-coming erotic fanfiction authors of 2007.
The Lost Books of the Bible
An exploration of unusual and interesting books deemed unfit for the Bible.
Abbott & Costello Meet the Homosexual Communist
Abbott & Costello must solve the spooky mystery of the Homosexual Communist
Don't Stop Believin'
Zack, America and the Internet react to the series finale of the Sopranos.
The Great American Reach Around - The Deep South & Scandinavia (Part 9)
Deep inside week eight of the GARA takes us to the Deep South and Scandinavia.
In Space No One Can Hear the Music Die
Rock may go with roll, hip may go with hop, but do musicians belong in sci-fi movies? 'No' is the correct answer.
YouTalk: Ryona Videos
YouTalk takes a look at what the world is saying about fanciful female beating videos.
The Big Sting
Det. Don Gombo sets up a sting operation to catch three dangerous Internet criminals.
The Hate Foundation Release for May 2007
The Hate Foundation is a non-profit think tank devoted to studying and identifying subjects worthy of hatred.
The Great American Reach Around - "Appalachia and Japan" (Part 8)
GARA week 7 takes us to Appalachia and Japan.
Bye-Bye Bali Baby
Join the AMDB in exploring this forgotten Elvis treasure.
Dr. Creswell Predicts: In the Year 1996
Dr. Creswell, famed psychic, predicts the future in his 1952 book. Discover the far-flung future of 1996.
Leave a Message in the Anonymous Atheist Complaint Box
Dig in deep to the Anonymous Atheist Complaint Box and discover what is troubling America's many dozens of atheists.
In Memoriam: Jerry Falwell
Celebrate Jerry Falwell's incredible life in his own words.
YouTalk: Crazy Animal Videos
A fine selection of great comments and witticisms from the world of YouTube.
The Great American Reach Around - Headin' South & Australia and New Zealand (Part 7)
GARA week 6: Baltimore, Wilmington, Washington, plus Australia and New Zealand
Talk Crazy to Me
Be careful what you wish for in certain relationships, you might just end up having Aliens quoted to you during sex.
Gaily Furnished is the Preamble of A.P. Brown (Part 7)
Adventurer and fur baron A.P. Brown returns to America to find the fur industry ruled by incompetents.
Hot Dog King
A review of Hot Dog King, the game that dares to combine tycoon games with softcore porn.
Leave a Message in the Anonymous Christian Complaint Box
Christians from all over America leave messages in the Anonymous Christian Complaint Box.
The Great American Reach Around - New England & Canada (Part 6)
The Great American Reach Around Continues with a visit to New England and Canada!
Cover Up Girls SWAT
Dave and Zack take aim at the Internet superstars from Cover Up Girls; Suicide Girls with trisomy.
Four Days in Winter - The Last Day (Part 4)
The fourth and final day of the job introduces the world to the Big Stunt. Television will never be the same.
Blue Stripe: The Life and Times of a Rebel Food Services Supervisor (Part 5)
Chef Groot Moredo takes us on a tour of the dark side of the Rebel Alliance's food services.
The Great American Reach Around - The Northeast & The Two Irelands (Part 5)
Week four of GARA and part two of our look at the Northeast United States brings us to New York and the two Irelands.
Four Days in Winter - Third Day (Part 3)
The third of four days providing security for a trio of rich kids in Hollywood with their own show on MTV. A special job for Howser ends up as a Malibu Barbie nightmare. Plus special visit to the set of TRL!
The Creation Science Academy for Kids Presents: God's Beautiful Creatures
The Creation Science Academy for Kids Presents a look at some of the most amazing creations on this planet.
Breaking Up With Christopher Lambert
From Raiden to the Highlander, Christopher Lambert has played some of film's most iconic B-movie characters. Now, at long last, you can experience the sweet agony of being notified that he is breaking up with you. And here you were thinking you had so much in common!
The Great American Reach Around - The Northeast & The UK (Part 4)
Every episode of the Sopranos is about Tony breathing heavy while he rolls a fork around in pasta.
Four Days in Winter - Second Day (Part 2)
The three rich kids and their MTV show take an eventful trip to Aspen.
Exposure to Celebrities May Render You Lame
Find out what manner of profound idiocy I have committed in the presence of celebrities.
The Great American Reach Around - The Midwest & Greece & Turkey (Part 3)
The GARA finishes up our look at the Midwest and heads to Greece and Turkey.
Four Days in Winter - First Day (Part 1)
Protecting three spoiled rich kids with their own show on MTV for four days is a tough job.
Too Much Information: The 59 "NC-17" Citations for "Bad Lieutenant"
Too Much Information looks at the 59 reasons given by the MPAA for Bad Lieutenant's NC-17 rating
The Great American Reach Around - The Midwest & France (Part 2)
The first installment of the Great American Reach Around takes us to the Midwest and France!
Liddy Girls SWAT
Fashion SWAT blasts back into action with guest writer Steve Sumner. He and Zack are on the case to crack down on G. Gordon Liddy's Stacked & Packed calendars.
The Big Ten List of Little People
The list of the ten best dwarfs that have ever scurried their way through human history. Actually there was a tie for one of them so there are eleven, but people are confused and frightened by lists that number greater than ten.
The Great American Reach Around Begins (Part 1)
We launch our series of articles that seek to bring the world closer together by fostering an enviroment of understanding. And dick jokes.
The Evolution of the Average Man
A comparative study of men through the ages. We ask six men from different distinct time periods the same questions. You can compare the answers and decide how man has changed through the centuries.
Variety Film News
Martin Goldenstein stops by from Variety Magazine and gives us the inside scoop on some major deals in the movbiz. You will not believe what Tom Cruise is up to these days.
A Conversation in the Hall at Hubricon Amalgamated
Two guards at an advanced biotech lab come to a startling conclusion about their employer.
New Media Hell - The Beginning of the End
The New Media revolution is changing the way we get our news, the way we communicate, the way we learn, and the way we make boring fools out of ourselves. New Media Hell transports you on a wild ride through the stinking corridors of our downfall.
With Love, America
It is the year 20XX and the United States of America has come to an end. Its will and testament is all that remains. Find out who gets what and why, in this tragic article.
I Am Very Regretful of All the Misunderstandings Regarding the Incidents
Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones has been accused of spitting on women, punching them in the head and having people shot. Jones boldly refutes the claims of the authorities and witnesses in this exciting article. Prepare to have the scales lifted from your eye holes.
Gregori Baikov Would Insult the Hellespont
The final installment of the Gregori Baikov saga. Gregori teaches me the value of Master Insulting and the night ends with drama and violence.
The Master Plan of Gregori Baikov
Part two of the Gregori Baikov saga, back by popular demand. The Eastern Bloc Master Insulter returns to share his business plan and clue me into the high-risk lifestyle of being an insulter. Plus, free sandwiches!
For Immediate Release: Obamawatch Update
A look at breaking news for late February on B. Hussein Obama! He is certainly up to his usual tricks!
Gregori Baikov, Master Insulter
A recollection of my experiences on a jury with Gregori Baikov, Master Insulter. Prepare to be stunned by his mastery of the art of insulting things.
For Immediate Release: Obamawatch Launches
Announcing the launch of Obamawatch, a political think tank that monitors the world's most dangerous Presidential candidate: Barack Hussein Obama.
The Skateboard Kid
Dom DeLuise as a talking and flying magical skateboard. Read that sentence again. Now try to picture Timothy Busfield impersonating an ape in a clown wig and an evil gang of teenage skateboarders that hang out in the middle of the desert. Welcome to the Skateboard Kid!
Exotic Mail Order Husbands
Russian women have cornered the market on bridal retailing for too long. It’s time for red-blooded American men to rise up and topple this communist vagina monopoly and bring fairness back to the marketplace. I have organized the first ever American Mail Order Husband catalog to tackle this trade deficit with the East.
The Heisenberg Uncertainty Ninja
A comparison between the modern multimedia environment and the fear of being stabbed by a ninja through a shoji screen. Maybe that's one of our guards, or maybe that's a member of the foot clan about to put a shuriken between our eyes!
Bug Eater 2: Cockroach Eating Girl
Ever wanted to see a Japanese woman eat a lot of cockroaches? No? Well somebody must've, since this video ended up getting made. We personally blame you for today's Horror of Porn review.
It Was the Best of Food, It Was the Worst of Food
George R.R. Martin, Cormac McCarthy, Neal Stephenson, Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson review fast food.
Goin' Ape!
Another lost classic comes to the AMDB courtesy of Sam Peckinpah.
Too Much Information: The Unseen Deaths of Jet Li in 'The One' (Part 2)
Part two of the many unseen deaths of Jet Li.
Too Much Information: The Unseen Deaths of Jet Li in 'The One' (Part 1)
Part one of a chronicle of the unseen deaths of Jet Li.
The Wacky Morning Death Squad
Wacky morning zoo DJs lead to deaths throughout American history.
PNAC Newsletter: Project of North American Cryptozoology
The PNAC Newsletter provides frequently updated information about cryptozoology.
A Letter of Complaint from Cindy Sheehan
Cindy Sheehan has written a letter of complaint to Betty Crocker. It's what Casey would have wanted.
John Madden's A Brief History of Time
John Madden explains the secrets of space and time in the way only he can.
Things Robots Won’t Be Doing After They Have Won
Wonder no longer about the things that will not amuse our future robotic overlords.
Oprah Winfrey Does Care About Black People
Oprah Winfrey's charity school in South Africa is not without its detractors, which is me. I'm the detractor. Zack Parsons.
Guide to the 6th Annual TrendMax Caveman Business Convention
A six million year old guide to a caveman's business convention was recently discovered within a fossilized briefcase.
Tribulation Force Disciplinary Review Hearing
The last survivors of the Rapture do battle against for the forces of anti-christ Nicholas Carpathia and his Global Peacekeepers. They also have a meeting once a month to discuss internal disciplinary issues.