Fallout 4: Commonwealth Classifieds (Part 8)
MURDERERS APPLY - Join the most ruthless and ill-defined group in the Commonwealth. We Gunners aim to kill and occupy the whole dang wasteland. All applicants shot on sight, so come prepared to die.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Hollywood Smiles Teeth Whitening Kit (Part 46)
WHAT a RIPOFF!!!!! You can get the same effect by smiling at the sun for a few hours every day, which is what I do. Guess what, bucko? The Sun is 100% free, delivered to your front door every day.
AMPLITUDES OF DOGS (Part 30)
YOUNG AND USELESS - Meek dog lacks the age and experience necessary for the grim task at hand. Will trade for a dog unshackled from morality, and willing to do what needs to be done. 555-1299
Welcome to the Brotherhood of Steel
Even when you picked up too many laser guns, so many that you could barely move and then spent five minutes carefully discarding individual pieces of garbage from your pockets -- all while I fought our enemies with little hope of survival -- you showed phenomenal fortitude.
Memos from Bear Cave: the King Frog Scenario (Part 20)
From now on, you're going to do exactly what I say, and only what I say. I am the only one here who knows what we're up against. We're on the razor's edge here, inches away from the King Frog Scenario. In case you idiots failed Soup History 101, that's what brought down so many of the greats.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Ten Commandments Tablet (Part 45)
Best thing I've ever done was buy a set of these and set them up in place of our old TV. Now my family and I spend two solid hours of prime time every night looking them over from across the living room. We're having a lot more fun and best of all...no more arguing over the remote!
PACK OF DOGS (Part 29)
FULLY SPOTTED DOG - My attempts to remove the spots from a Dalmatian completely backfired, and now I have a useless dog that is all spots and nothing else.
Spout.ly: Sour Sips for September 2015 (Part 12)
It's been a painful month thus far for Shaggy Butte's steadfast sippers. While a few fountains have shown great promise, such as the VFW Hall's new fountain, many are pumping out plenty of disappointment. Unless you've simply gotta try 'em all, keep your thirst away from these certified diarrhea hydrants.
SkyMall Product Reviews: End Table Crate (Part 44)
Works great as a family penalty box. Break a rule: that's an hour in the crate, buddy. No exceptions. I have purchased 4 and all are currently occupied 24/7 by my awful, rowdy sons.
CASCADES OF DOGS (Part 28)
VILE RASPUTIN-LIKE PUG - Gnarly facial hair and long nails that drag across the floor. Ceaseless wet cough. Glass-eyed gaze. Menacing giggle. Ideal for advanced owners only.
I'm The Guy Who Threw a Stone inside a Glass House
Not only are glass houses challenging to live in, they're also expensive. It cost me a fortune to hire a team of glass blowers to construct an entire ranch-style house out of pure glass. You should be criticizing me for that, not me throwing a stone.
MENAGERIE OF DOGS (Part 27)
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
HERD OF DOGS (Part 26)
RETIRED BLOODHOUND is docile and intelligent, but still determined to catch the serial murderer who got away. If he picks up the scent, just roll with it. 555-8172
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo (Part 11)
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
Memos from Bear Cave: the Alice Cooper Lockdown (Part 19)
I just became aware of this Alice Cooper creep. Apparently this clown is putting on some kind of rock show over at the arena. I don't care for him, his music, his appearance, his attitude or any part of his act. It's disgusting. As of today, he's banned from the premises.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Giant Red King Crab Statue (Part 43)
A fitting tribute to Crabnar, our Lord and Savior from the Briny Depths below. I shall pray always to this altar, and make sacrifices worthy of His Succulence.
ABUNDANCE OF DOGS (Part 25)
SUPPRESSIVE DOG is overburdened with body thetans and refuses to cooperate with my attempts to audit him. I have no choice but to disconnect from him and adopt a better dog. 555-1294
SkyMall Product Reviews: Cowch Holstein Cow Bench (Part 42)
The perfect addition to my living room. The hardy resin exterior is fantastic, because I can just hose it down to remove all the raccoon dung that tends to accumulate.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Goddess of Light Floor Lamp (Part 41)
Does not handle moisture well. When I took it in the shower, it didn't take long before I got a really nasty shock and then smoke started coming out. This clearly was not engineered to withstand normal wear and tear.
BUNCH OF DOGS (Part 24)
WHEEZING WHIPPETS What we have is 7 genuine whippet dogs, all dangerously out of breath from me chasing them around the Wal-Mart parking lot with a chainsaw. A mere $50 apiece. 555-1239
SkyMall Product Review: Grand-Scale Humpty Dumpty Statue (Part 40)
Once again I'm stuck with a useless egg man statue and nobody to tend to my robust physical and emotional needs. Worst of all, the egg man didn't even come with a stool. I have to share my recliner and bed with him, and he is not sensitive to my needs at all.
Have You Seen This Dog?
If you recognize the dog in the picture, then we have a big security breach. I personally banished this dog from the neighborhood, so if you saw him, that means he is trespassing and threatening our way of life.
SkyMall Product Reviews: NIGHT GLOW Toilet Seat (Part 39)
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
Unlike My Opponent, Chapter Six (Part 6)
You won't find me or my social media team endorsing dangerous behavior. I will protect our children from deadly teen trends like cavemaning, where misguided youths freeze themselves in blocks of solid ice to earn internet cred.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Peacock Goddess Sculpture (Part 38)
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Hazard & Meathook (Part 24)
This dog is no good. How do I know? Guess who spent six hours following this dog around town with a loaded gun. I would have kept following him, and maybe even put him down, but somebody called the SWAT team on me.
