The Thoughts of Dogs
"Meat. All types of meat. Gravies, too. Every kind of gravy. Meats with gravies. Broth, pure unfiltered broth. Every meat in my mouth right now, gravy oozing out." -Champ
SkyMall Product Review: Tortilla Baby Newborn Swaddle Blanket & Hat Set (Part 37)
Makes baby look too appetizing. Also I have my thigh stuck in one and I can't get it off. It's so tight around the skin I can't cut it without risking injury. IT'S A LONG STORY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews: #GulperGate (Part 10)
All these idiot women saying we are misogynists need to get a clue. #GulperGate is about protecting something precious and important: the flow of water. This is once again the actions of a radical feminist pushing her standards on the local drinking fountain community, which by pure coincidence, is made up entirely of single men.
Enter: the Lead Loremaster
I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.
BigDog's Dog Blog: A Dogspace Odyssey (Part 23)
By now everybody in town knows what went down at Slurry Creek. Hope got her long-overdue comeuppance. Boo hoo. If history tells us anything, we've got a solid month before everyone forgets her and starts fawning over some new darling dog.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Alpha Fuzion Personal Sauna System (Part 36)
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
How to Spot Dogs: Dogspotting Orthodox Rules Explained
Dogspotting is the act of assigning points to the dogs you see in your daily travels, and it's the world's fastest growing sport. Orthodox Rules make dogspotting even more fun and challenging with additional bonuses, penalties and multipliers.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Grillight LED Grill Light / Spatula (Part 35)
Cons: Have to leave camp to steal batteries, sometimes catch a glimpse of my reflection in spatula and recoil at the terrible thing I've become. Very difficult to receive packages at my current location.
SLEW OF DOGS (Part 23)
TRANSPLANT RECIPIENT - this dog is a miracle, having been saved through an experimental transplant. He now has one of those bright red baboon butts and he loves to show it off. 555-9199
SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar (Part 34)
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
Spout.ly: Hot Summer Sips (Part 9)
I usually bring some tongs to remove the used condoms people leave in the basin. The fountain itself is glorious. It's got a powerful flow that's not overwhelming, so every sip is just right. The basin is deep enough you can dip your hands in to splash your face.
SkyMall Product Review: Singing Gondolier (Part 33)
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Space Cult & Leashbreaker (Part 22)
So many dogs are just happy to be near him, and it's kind of reassuring. Normally dogs here are very territorial, but it's not uncommon to see 40 or even 50 dogs all peacefully resting around him in a circular formation. It's a welcome sight if you ask me.
SkyMall Product Review: Velociraptor Dinosaur Statue (Part 32)
Here's how it went down: bought a dinosaur to bury and surprise my kids by digging it up with them. I don't remember where I buried it, so, basically this thing is a huge waste of money and a total rip off. It's not even real anyway. Give me a damn refund.
Memos from Bear Cave: The Iran Chowder Affair (Part 18)
Please disregard the previous memo mentioning a business trip to Tehran. It was a typo. It should have read "I'm back from my vacation trip to Tahoe." It's beautiful this time of year, but I'm goddamn sick of eating kebabs.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Barnacle & Blue Yonder (Part 21)
As far as corrupt dogs with strong political connections go, Barnacle's about as lame as they come. At least corrupt dogs like Canayne Rand, Karl Rover and Mao Zedog had some creativity.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Grillbot Automatic Grill Cleaning Robot (Part 31)
If there's some kind of drone pilot for these things, please have my unit return to me at once. You guys have an unsatisfied customer in the making right here.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Whoops and Nectar and Ambrosia (Part 20)
A couple months ago I saw Ambrosia and Nectar spooning in the park. I very delicately inserted myself in between them and Ambrosia tried to bite me. Nectar was very polite about letting me drag him a few feet, but Ambrosia was just completely out of control and disrespectful.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade and Cleaver (Part 19)
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Giant Male Silverback Gorilla Statue (Part 30)
I bought the male gorilla and inspected him top to bottom. Even flipped him over to see the underside. I can tell you with absolute authority they did not do their due diligence in terms of anatomy. Important orifices are missing, making this thing 100% non-functional.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Ozark and Caribe (Part 18)
This is the dog that was stuck on the roof of CVS for three months, right? He was up there barking all the time, eating birds, p***ing off the edge? I remember the fire department finally brought the ladder in to get him down, but he had somehow disappeared.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Hope (Part 17)
Hope is without a doubt my ideal wife. I mean if she was a human and not a dog and not 6 years old. But if she was a human and of age, she has all the qualities I am looking for in a wife. She has soft hair and an unbelievable personality.
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews: February’s Sour Sips (Part 8)
Your typical wall-mount unit, run through hell. Homeless people often use this fountain to bathe, and as such, there can be a long wait and lots of naked men with visible sores. I was patient and waited over an hour for my turn, and it was not worth the time. Water ran rusty, weak flow, and missing a push button.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Yeti Tree Hugger (Part 29)
Terrible. Just terrible. My neighbor installed one of these and I hate it. It gives me the willies every time I look outside, like some kind of nosy minority staring at me. I give both this product and my ethnic neighbor 1 star.
An Open Letter to My Kickstarter Backers
Thank you for your amazing support. I can't tell you how awesome it was to see others believing in me. Not only did we prove crowdfunding is the future by smashing past our funding goal, we proved original, thoughtful ideas win out over the same mindless tripe served up everywhere else.
Anime Mine (Part 9)
I had a dream, Jerry. This isn't like all the other dreams about you I've spent hours discussing with my therapist. This one told me it was time to break the silence and finally extend an olive branch. I've hurt you enough. You need me to be your step-brother again
REAMS OF DOGS (Part 22)
URGENT PROCLAMATION: Let it be known I have cut all ties with my former mastiff companion, Arsenio. He has wronged me and will henceforth wander the streets a vagrant. Do not aid or comfort him. He is cast out from the kingdom of man. 555-9123
