Spout.ly Presents: Shaggy Butte's Best and Worst Drinking Fountains of 2012 (Part 3)
Following a dramatic year of upheaval and loss, Shaggy Butte’s drinking fountain enthusiasts look back on the town’s best and worst places to grab a sip of water.
SCADS OF DOGS (Part 19)
GENUINE DOG EGGS are yours for the low price of $50 each. Put 'em in your incubator and watch adorable puppies pop out. Not my fault if they look like lizards. 555-8257
SkyMall Product Reviews: UpRight Sleeper (Part 17)
I have tried all of SkyMall's complicated head and neckware, and this is by far the least uncomfortable. The main benefit of this product is that there are no extra parts putting pressure on your eyeballs, grinding away at your scalp, or blasting your head with lasers.
Election 2012 Results
It's been a relentless election cycle filled with endless polls, a deluge of attack ads, twists, turns and surprises galore. Yesterday, citizens finally had the opportunity to cast their votes and decide the future of the nation.
Memos from Bear Cave: White Tiger (Part 14)
Effective immediately: I cannot be killed and I will never die. I will run this soup company until the earth is a fiery hellhole and I am the last living thing.
This is the Moment of Truth (Part 8)
It's not exaggeration when I say a moment of truth is fast approaching. An important journey that began some years ago is reaching a decisive point. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but I know one thing: I'm deeply optimistic.
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews (Part 1)
Reviews of the Shaggy Butte Public Library drinking fountain from Spout.ly, the foremost source for expert opinions from dedicated drinking fountain enthusiasts.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Update for 12 September 2012 (Part 5)
Before you is the top secret log of historical changes presided over by the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. We endeavor to protect the timeline from malfeasance and tampering, and strive to witness firsthand the greatest moments in history.
Notes from Last Night's NASA Press Conference
For those of you who missed the big NASA press conference last night, I went to the trouble of taking some detailed notes. It has been an especially stressful time for NASA given the disaster that occurred, and you can tell they are straining to come up with solutions to help the astronauts and cosmonauts still in danger.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Fresh Breath Pet Oral Care (Part 16)
I know this says it is for dogs, but that probably just means it works twice as good on humans like every other dog product. Can I safely fill my mouth with this stuff? I'm going to try it and assume I can. Here I go.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Updates for 15 August (Part 4)
Society member Burt fixed a very miniscule and hardly noteworthy historical deviation in the timeline that caused Emily Dickinson to be devoured by a Tyrannosaurus rex.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Head & Eye Massager (Part 15)
I got this for my horse who has been under a lot of stress lately. Long story short we are no longer on good terms. What a terrible product. I will not be recommending this head/eye scratcher to others and I am a very influential person.
ATTN: Mr. Olive Garden (Part 3)
Mr. Olive Garden, I have traveled to the furthest reaches of time and space to bear witness to a barren universe robbed of its galaxies, stars, nebulae and wonder.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Send that Siren Packin' (Part 7)
The men in this town have no decency. I used to think there were some upstanding gentlemen here, but now every man from here to Welpsburg is tearing his clothes off and acting mad as all get out in that fountain. I don't see what's so special about that young lady's singing. It makes my ears hurt.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Babette Table (Part 14)
Adds just the right amount of maturity and beauty to my living room, which is sort of mostly Spider-Man themed. I like this table and may continue to gravitate towards a female legs motif and phase out the Spider-Man stuff, depending on how things go with dates. Keeping an open mind and open heart.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Porch Potty (Part 13)
I'm tired of dogs getting all the best places to s***. Why can't we humans have it good for once? I bought one of these for personal use & I'm not ashamed. Not one bit.
Burt's Power Points: Independence Day Sale (Part 4)
Burt's PowerPoints is proud to announce its INDEPENDENCE DAY SALE! Today only all of Burt's most valuable and coveted custom PowerPoints presentations are marked down and priced to sell. Need to communicate something important? Big or small, funny or serious, Burt has a PowerPoint to fit your every whim and fancy.
SkyMall Product Reviews: MLB Forest Face (Part 12)
Just a face? Heh. Let me know when you get below the neck, then we'll have some business to conduct, SkyMall.
Unlike My Opponent, Chapter Five (Part 5)
America is in the grip of election fever again. All across this great land our citizens face some truly difficult choices in the voting booth. One election is not so simple, and the choice couldn't be more clear. Vote for me, humble American, for unlike my opponent...
You Have Served Your Dark Lords Well, Skeleton in a Barrel
Nameless Skeleton, word of your deed has reached my post miles beneath you. I am impressed, for you are the first of our wretched kind to ever successfully pop out of a barrel and kill a mortal.
Memos from Bear Cave: Man's Reach (Part 2) (Part 13)
We don't need marketing. Our soups appeal to a large audience. We've captured almost all of the wife beater market and angry dads prefer our soups two to one. You can't buy that kind of success. You earn it by making the meanest soup the world has ever seen.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Litter Robots (Part 11)
CONS: Plays fast and loose with Three Laws of Robotics. I personally witnessed it operating with a cat inside, allowing harm to come to it. The cat was showered violently in its own waste products before being deposited into a tiny drawer of filth.
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles: On Orphan & Other Fine Meats (Part 25)
Greetings to you, my fellow American Carnivore. I am pleased and delighted to bring you another edition of my celebrated periodical, the most spirited tribute to the healthy and unabated consumption of all living beasts.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Mega Mini Spy Camera Pro (Part 10)
Works like a charm! Have accrued over 80 hours of video of a certain family dog dragging his buttocks on the carpet. Will be presenting this evidence in a kangaroo court in our living room. Open and shut case, family. A slam dunk for sure. This dog is guilty and going to doggy prison.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 9 May (Part 3)
Society member Herold caused a time loop that resulted in an endless NPR pledge drive. The source of the loop has been eliminated and the pledge drive should come to its natural conclusion in about three years.
SkyMall Product Reviews: The NeckPro Traction Device (Part 9)
Love it. Makes me feel like gentle angels are reaching down and grabbing the base of my skull and pulling upward as if to remove my head from my body completely, only they don't and the disorienting euphoria that follows briefly frees me from my neck pain for a good 10-15 minutes.
SkyMall Product Reviews: King Tut Life-Sized Cabinet (Part 8)
This is the fifth item I've ordered from SkyMall that's placed me under a curse. Most SkyMall curses are pretty tolerable, but this one is filled with horrible visions of scarabs eating my children's flesh. The cabinet itself is OK, but I haven't been able to get it open again and all of my Tracy Chapman CDs are inside.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Personal Infrared Sauna (Part 7)
Love it, but would love it more if they added a hole to the seat so I didn't have to clean up any messes after extended stays inside. It's a bit hard to get in and out of and it's not like I'm going to diap up for something like this.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Please Apprehend the Ominous Child (Part 6)
Mr. Mayor, If it's a lack of nerve that's keeping you from dealing with this demonic child, I have enough for the both of us. I'll do what needs to be done. Just give me a large flamethrower and plenty of space to do what I do best. It won't be like the last time either. I've got new glasses.
SkyMall Product Reviews: X5 HairLaser (Part 6)
We bought this to use on our hairless dog, but were shocked to discover the laser was baconizing his skin. The dog loves licking his new flavored flesh, and so do we. We're very afraid he'll start to gnaw it off, though. The smell is mouth watering and intoxicating.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 20 March (Part 2)
Society member Doug has been placed on temporary probation after nearly erasing Shark Week 2010 from the history books.
SkyMall Product Reviews: ZenHaus Dog Crates (Part 5)
The vague product description doesn't explain much. Is this large enough to fit an adult woman? How wide are those little side vents? Could I Get a 16" meat lovers pizza through them? Disturbed such common questions are not addressed in product details. Please be more thorough, SkyMall.
Shaggy Butte Police Blotter for March 6, 2012
Downtown, 12:22 pm. A spontaneous massing of dogs caused momentary panic, but the estimated 1000+ feral canines were quickly dispersed with tear gas. Residents were only forced indoors for a modest 20 minutes, and no injuries were reported.
Memos from Bear Cave: Man's Reach (Part 1) (Part 12)
Apparently I'm paying you all to gossip about the state of the company. Well, if you cannot possibly continue living without knowing the truth, here it is: I lost half our offices in a high-stakes game of poker at one of the Soup & Broth afterparties.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Peeing Boy Fountain (Part 4)
Don't be a chump. Spring for the piped version with the recirculating pump. I feel like an idiot for not doing that. It breaks my heart looking at this little guy standing there, holding his thing and trying to pee.
You Idiot! You Missed Valentine's Day! (Part 21)
Oh! You idiot, you bumbling fool! You forgot to get a Valentine's Day gift. Don't worry -- all hope is not yet lost. The Bradford Exchange has a scintillating selection of thoughtful gifts certain to strengthen the bonds of your love and appease any hurt feelings.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Please Do Something About the Pirate Ghosts (Part 5)
Dear Mr. Mayor, I've been trying very hard to see the positives of having a crew of murderous ghost pirates sailing around town in a ship that can move through solid objects and cannot be damaged by bullets. I've thought long and I've thought hard, Mr. Mayor. The simple fact is I don't see any good coming out of this situation.
Skymall Product Reviews: Komfort Kollar (Part 3)
Pros: Extremely comfortable memory foam support helps you relax on long trips. Cons: Sharp hooks inside cushion dig into neck and become locked around jugular.
Please Give Your Present or Future Dog One of the Following Names
Over the years I have made it my personal mission to improve the quality of dog names in the world. I invite you now to view my list of proper dog names, and steal from it for your own personal dog-naming needs.
Munchr Reviews: Aftertaste
Check out Munchr. for reviews of Aftertaste and other great hangouts from users just like you!
SO ALL I GET IS THIS EXCELLENT, ENTERTAINING
A harrowing retrospective following 10 years of writing "humor" on the "internet."
The Spectacular Talent of Royt Gingerwich
Let It Be Known That Royt Gingerwich Has Mastered the Art of Loud Yelling & Intends to Demonstrate His Remarkable Talent to Everybody Within Earshot.
Here's what I need you to know (Part 7)
I trust your discretion. I know the Obama Campaign has been asking a lot lately. Believe me, we wouldn't ask if the stakes weren't so high.
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