Skymall Product Reviews: Cobra Walking Stick (Part 2)
It's just lovely, and the design goes great with most of my shorts and vests. Cobra walking sticks are great conversation starters and women are very attracted to the men who utilize them.
Memos from Bear Cave: The Good Son (Part 11)
I want to hear the sounds of soup being made, not whimpering from cooing mothers and dopey pencil-necked do-gooders. I pride myself on running the toughest soup business in the country, and the record number of workplace suicides here reinforces my position as THE CRUELEST MAN IN SOUP.
More Skyrim Classifieds (Part 6)
FREE COLLEGE DEGREE - The College of Winterhold is accepting new students for its famous magic program. Interested candidates should simply show up and receive free room and board and education. We’re so eager to start blasting magic all over the place that we won’t even bother asking your name.
Season's Greetings from the Bradford Exchange (Part 20)
Holiday shopping is getting bloodier every year. Old people get trampled, eyeballs get blasted with spicy pepper spray and humans descend to the level of savage beasts fighting for scraps of meat from a rotting corpse. It's a hunt as uncivilized as anything that happens in the wild. Thankfully, there's an easy way to avoid the holiday bloodshed.
Skyrim Classified Ads (Part 5)
ATTN: Dark Brotherhood. Just got new hardwood flooring installed that I don’t want to bloody up performing the Black Sacrament. Anyways, could you kill the Dragonborn? He put a pot on my head and stole all my cabbages that I was saving up for a big feast.
The Magnificence of P. B. Fouke Remains Resolute (Part 24)
Readers, I come to you with a sense of renewed urgency. Each and every word you see before you carries with it tremendous weight, for not since the Good Book has the written word been given such a grand and glorious thing to communicate. I, Philip Bond Fouke III, am a man reborn.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 16 November (Part 1)
Our mission is to study the past and future firsthand, to watch the great events of time as they unfold before our eyes. We strive not only to observe history in the making, but to right any wrongs that transcend the boundaries of time, and of course those perpetrated by nefarious rival time travelers.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Clean Up the Death Fog (Part 4)
Mr. Mayor, have you noticed the horrible fog outside enveloping the entire town? You know, the fog that’s as thick as soup and hard to walk around in and the one with the primordial monsters that appear out of nowhere to grab people away? I have, and I don’t care for it one bit.
William Bruggard for Shaggy Butte Dog Catcher
Our town faces a threat unlike any other: Thousands of feral dogs, some rabid, roaming the streets. That's why I am running for the office of Dog Catcher. I vow to clean up the canine menace and restore dignity to this town, so that our children and seniors can frolic free, without fear of being bitten or urinated upon by an untrained dog.
You're the Man for the Job
Welcome to my office, son. Ol' Jeb said you popped out of one of them old-timey stasis pods that emerged from the burning scrap heap. Said he nearly died rescuing you from those bandits out there. You're lucky to be alive, that's for damn sure.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Get Rid of the Monolith (Part 3)
Dear Mr. Mayor, I am a deeply spiritual person with a strong devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. That monolith challenges what I know and believe in my heart, so I am asking your permission to shoot the monolith and shoot it dead. I have a gun, I have good aim, and I am a firm believer.
Skymall Product Reviews: Largest Crossword Puzzle (Part 1)
My wife and children seem like a distant memory now that I have this wonderful crossword puzzle. I dread its completion, yet yearn to make it happen as soon as humanly possible. This must be how the male praying mantis feels.
OLDWALLET.COM: Senior Values (Part 7)
Gladys Troutdale over on 55 Green has cultivated quite a garden. She's sitting on a ridiculous amount of food when you consider she's an old lady with no children and zero hope of ever finding a man. It's a shame to see all that fine vegetation going to waste on someone who is going to die soon, so you can follow my lead and help yourself.
Canine 1.1 Patch Notes
-Fixed a bug that would cause floppy ears to flip over the wrong way, requiring an operator to reset them to their default position.
Remembering 9/11 with the Bradford Exchange (Part 19)
The date was September 11, 2001. Jennifer Lopez was heating up the music charts, The Musketeer was number one at the box office, and homicidal religious fanatics were flying planes into skyscrapers. Needless to say, things were crazy.
Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Acceptance Letter (Part 8)
Delivering bad news is a difficult but necessary part of my job. For every one exceptional dog present at our Kennel Fair Dog Pageants, we easily see one hundred dogs unworthy of advancing to the semifinals. Indeed, many of these dogs are not even worthy to continue living.
Sacrifices Must Be Made
As many of you know, the economy has not been performing very well over these past couple of years. First of all: Sorry about that. True, it's been recovering in some areas, but the unemployment rate is still high, and a lot of average folks are poorer than ever.
Texts from the Gathering of the Juggalos
My former friend and fellow SA writer David Thorpe spent several months convincing me to join him in attending the Gathering of the Juggalos. Unfortunately for me, David Thorpe had been working the long con, and had no intention of ever going. I spent the entire event looking for him, and ended up missing most of the festivities.
Celebrity Stalker: Spicy Summer Spots (Part 13)
Saw Gary Busey in the park cutting off his sleeves with gardening shears. Looked like he nicked an artery, but kept going and just licked all the blood up. Total commitment to summer.
My Horse Left Me
Excuse me, y'all. Excuse me. Can I have yer attention for a spell? Y'all can holster them guns, pardners. I mean no disrespect and no quarrel here. You see I done lost my horse and am, as you can imagine, quite despondent.
Burt's Power Points Summer Sale Spectacular (Part 3)
It's summer again and that means hot weather, angry hornets and an increased demand for quality presentations. Now more than ever businesses and individuals need quality Power Points presentations tailored to their every need, and nobody does a better job filling that need than Burt's PowerPoints.
Sizzling Summer Goodies from the Bradford Exchange (Part 18)
When it comes to blasting out soulless Americana, no entity on this earth has a bigger and more industrious butthole than the Bradford Exchange. They are on some maddening quest to create the perfect item that so remarkably encapsulates the essence of America's schizophrenic spirit that reality itself collapses in on itself.
Rustlr.com: The Great Train Robber Roundup (Part 14)
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop while travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This time: Mad Sheriff Bill Boothe takes aim at his former posse and a wicked game threatens to ensnare the whole town.
WELCOME TO THE LANDOWNERZ CLAN SITE
A NEW ERA DAWNS! LANDOWNERZ is officially founded, featuring an all-star roster of farm sim pros. We aim to dominate the FARMING SIMULATOR 2011 scene like no other clan, so look out for us.
Memos from Bear Cave: Employee Reviews (Part 10)
I'm instructing Tall Charlie to stand outside my door and swing around a machete indiscriminately. He will be wearing a blindfold and earplugs to ensure total objectivity and no bias with his reckless swinging.
Wishing you luck (Part 6)
The President and I have a routine -- every Friday I find out from his staff where he is having lunch, then join him. Even after three years, he still gets surprised when I show up.
SCORES OF DOGS (Part 18)
WHISTLING DOG - carries a tune with perfect pitch and sits there endlessly staring, endlessly whistling "the Farmer in the Dell," endlessly staring, never breaking eye contact, just whistles, just stares, whistles, stares. 555-7255
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles: A Challenge Met (Part 22)
A glorious day has dawned, faithful Carnivores! It is with great pleasure that I announce to you that my $1,000.00 challenge has been met! Ah, how this quest has eluded me for so long! At last, after years of searching, fate has seen fit to award me that most precious thing each Carnivore yearns for: The taste of a new meat.
Burt's Power Points: Spring Sale (Part 2)
Burt's back with a new batch of spring 2011 model Power Points! It's been a rough year so far and despite many hardships impressed upon me by my wife, I'm still cranking out professional, premium quality Power Points for business, pleasure and... beyond!
Letters from the War
Oh how this war lingers on. I have seen things I dare not describe, for they would make you faint and weep at the same time. Horrors so cruel and vast they stagger the imagination.
My Rapture Plan
According to some billboards and a couple VERY EXCITED GENTLEMEN who like buying up billboard space, we're just a few days away from the Rapture, the big fancy factory recall of good souls.
Finally, on a Lighter Note
As part of a request from the Shaggy Butte Mayor's Office to improve town morale, KRUT-5 is dedicated to airing at least one positive story about life in Shaggy Butte each month. These are some of those stories.
Burt's Power Points (Part 1)
Communication is important to getting your point across, and the #1 way to do that is with a Microsoft Power Points presentation. I am a professional desktop publisher with over 15 years in the business. I've made and sold more Power Points than can be expressed by mere numbers.
Frederick Oxbow Begs Respectfully
FREDERICK OXBOW, HAIR CUTTER, BEGS respectfully to inform all good Citizens and Criminals of Honor that he has become the Sole Licensee for using Duke's Patent Rotary Hair Threshing Apparatus, and diligently invites them to call and ENJOY A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE!
Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Disqualified Dogs (Part 7)
While there is nothing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Rules & Guidelines prohibiting the act of bejeweling a canine, common sense and basic human decency definitely forbids it.
ROOMS FOR RENT II: THE RENTENING (Part 17)
LIVE THE HIGH LIFE! Luxurious apartment, plenty of space, amazing in every way except for one tiny flaw: it is a second-story unit and there is no floor. Don't ask, just rent. 555-2983
Dear Mr. Mayor: The Hairy Little Men Problem (Part 2)
Mr. Mayor, if you're not going to have the thousands of little hairy men plaguing our streets arrested, could you at least have them provided with diapers or underwear. I'm tired of seeing their disproportionately large genitalia flailing around while they spit and jump up and down.
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles (Part 21)
With great pride I invite you to join me for this, the inaugural edition of E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meats & Edibles. I trust that in time this humble endeavor shall find its home beside the most treasured works of publication, and an indispensable companion to that most splendid of souls, the American Carnivore.
Memos from Bear Cave: Company Picnic Day (Part 9)
In case any of you get a mind to leave early, I should give you fair warning: I have employed a sharpshooter. His name is Ðâng Lành and he was one of the best solders the Viet Cong ever produced. I met him during my days in the war and was so impressed by his ability to capture and torment his enemies that I hired him on the spot.
Dear Mr. Mayor (Part 1)
We should have never have let you go to that fancy big city mayor's conference, because you brought back their big city problems like Clawmen, who are so hell-bent on clawing everything in sight they can't be reasoned with.
MOUNDS OF DOGS (Part 16)
FOR SALE: DOG PIÑATA. Kleptomaniac dog ate all my candy, then promptly expired. Need to recoup my investment, so please buy him as is, filled with over three pounds of mixed candies. 555-1162
Trust No One (Part 5)
On behalf of myself and the entire Obama Administration, I want to offer my sincere apologies for the email sent from my address yesterday. That was not me writing those words, and I strongly condemn what they said.
Rustlr.com: A New Sheriff in Town (Part 13)
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop while travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This time: The town gets turned upside down as Mad Bill Boothe squares off against Pawley for the job of town sheriff.
The Time to Evict Mr. Stormbeard is Now (Part 5)
I have written you many times to complain about Mr. Stormbeard's unruly lawn and flagrant disregard for the neighborhood charter, a document I vowed to uphold at all costs. I must now inform you that this sacred document has been stained with blood.
Valentine's Day Gift Ideas from the Bradford Exchange (Part 17)
Our friends at the Bradford Exchange, a sort of Caligulan celebration of humanity's thirst for garbage, have honed in on what it means to express love. Their scientists have concocted a terrific medley of gifts that say romantic things like "I love you" and "I know you still yearn to return to the Glory Days of the Confederacy."
ROOMS FOR RENT (Part 15)
CARNIVAL FUNHOUSE been nigh on 30 years since the carnival closed. Mirror maze available to tenant with strong constitution. Lots of wasps swarming in there and it's hard to tell which ones are real and which ones are reflections. $1200/month for unit pending thorough credit check. 555-9239
Believe Again (Part 4)
I had the great privilege of sitting behind the president during the address, and felt the power of his words. I admit, I was a bit distracted at times. If you saw me smiling early on, it's because I just couldn't stop thinking about that Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Burger they've got at Chili's. I've had my eye on that son of a gun all week.
Memos from Bear Cave: Kid's Day Aftermath (Part 8)
Some of you have had the audacity to question my decision to take some of the older boys on a "field trip" to the Bouncy House. It's amazing any of you would question me, since I was upfront about where I was taking them. Are that many of you really not familiar with local strip clubs? What other Bouncy House would I mean?
The Truth is Out There (Part 3)
I've seen a lot of weird things in Washington over the past 40 years. At first I thought the weirdest thing was seeing how Newt Gingrich always takes his shirt off before he goes to the bathroom, even if he's just doing a number one. But in the past two years I've observed something even stranger: Progress, and lots of it.
Celebrity Stalker: 2011's Got Spots! (Part 12)
Saw Jared Leto enter a vintage clothing shop, only nobody noticed so he left and then entered again more dramatically. Still nobody else saw, so after like four more times finally someone noticed and then he pretended to be more surprised than they were.
