HEAPS OF DOGS (Part 5)
SWOOP SWOOP! Helicopter dog features real set of rotor blades on rig extending from back. Capable of flight. A slight side effect is that he's also capable of accidental decapitations when he gets excited and comes flying at you. 555-0522
PLURALITY OF DOGS (Part 4)
GRAVITATIONALLY STRONG DOG: large dog has 9 smaller dogs locked in constant elliptical orbit. Witness the exotic beauty of the cosmos dance before your eyes. Closest one has decaying orbit, so watch out. $650. 555-2321
A Guide to Tiny Home Ownership
The number one danger facing tiny homeowners is bugs. Will bugs take over my tiny house and turn it into some terrible bug den? They will--if you let them. Bugs simply do not respect personal property rights. Seeing a worm pop up out of the ground and tower over your tiny home can be extremely traumatizing.
LEGIONS OF DOGS (Part 3)
D-76 HELLHOUND ANTIAIRCRAFT DOG. Side-mounted missile batteries allow dog to rapidly unleash 12 laser-guided missiles at enemy targets. Built-in radar capable of detecting most aircraft. $750k. 555-1023
Welcome to the DynaMars Corporation Cycnus Station Update Kiosk (Part 11)
Welcome back, Cycnus Station Resident! DynaMars Corporation is committed to keeping you updated on all relevant station news. Today's highlights: exciting new holiday protocols, amazing scientific breakthroughs in the field of urination, and a surprise visit from the Lunar City Children's Choir! Please enjoy!
MULTITUDES OF DOGS (Part 2)
DREAM DOG SOUGHT: had dream where dog stood on polygonal plane in front of pyramid surrounded by pillars of neon light and barked strange symbols. Think dog may have had tank treads instead of legs. 555-7802
LOTS OF DOGS (Part 1)
LARGE CUBE OF DOGS. I have over 160 canines stacked and arranged in a very specific way so as to all fit in a single room. Buyer must purchase and move entire collection and room. No exceptions. $3,000,000. 555-4218
Immediate Action Must Be Taken Against the Stormbeard Family (Part 3)
As I noted in my last letter, Mr. Stormbeard's estranged wife returned home. Her arrival sparked a fresh wave of violent, supernatural events. As the couple bickered and argued, the entire neighborhood seemed to quake. This problem has only intensified with the arrival of Scott, Mr. Stormbeard's teenage son and drug addict.
Hell In a Decorative Handbasket (Part 13)
With the economy in the hands of Mos Eisley bandits and your personal finances in ruins, this is going to be a difficult holiday shopping season. Thankfully there is a retailer that not only understands your budgetary restraints, but also respects your delicate and uncompromising sensibilities.
The Descent
Josh says to heck with the surface world! He's headin' underground to start anew in CaveLife, the fun new game where you get your own virtual cave to decorate with awesome stalagmites and more! Play free now!
Animocracy (Part 8)
For you see, Jerry, I had a revelation. What came to me was the idea for a perfect utopian society, one where people live according to tenets put forth by the wisest characters from manga and anime. It's better than democracy, Jerry. It's animocracy.
Boruff & Davies Catalogue Company Fall Sales
Prior to the invention of modern conveniences such as malls, the Internet, and /pizza, man had to rely on mail-order catalogs to acquire vital supplies. As it happens, my family happened to run one of the most successful of these catalogs, and provided a developing nation with tools, clothes, seeds, and countless other essential items.
In Praise of David Thorpe's Brother
By now many of you have read David Thorpe's recent article about me. At the end of his diatribe, he practically begged me to fire back and play his silly games. Instead, I want to write about something positive. Quite simply, David Thorpe is my friend. He's a great guy with a terrific brother. A really, really great brother.
Some Lesser-Known Inventions of Benjamin Franklin
In the annals of history, few men have had as great and lasting an impact on the human condition as Benjamin Franklin. If we were to get specific and name those other few men, they would be Imhotep, Caligula, Robert Oppenheimer, and Jakob Dylan respectively. But this article is not about them. This article is dedicated to Ben Franklin.
Interesting Facts & Suchlike
Like most human beings occupying this fragile sphere, I am driven by an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I spend at least 20-30 minutes each day positively yearning for knowledge. And I yearn hard. I presume that you, like me, also yearn a great deal. Thus, I have prepared a hardy sampling of empirical facts for your perusal.
Unlike My Opponent: Health Care Edition (Part 3)
Unless you live in a cave, you probably already know that America has been taken over by some kind of Arab spaceman with diabolical plans to give poor people health care. I'm here to tell you that there's another option: YOURS TRULY.
Rustlr.com: A Day at Ramblin Man (Part 5)
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This week the whole posse heads down to Ramblin' Man, the annual festival that draws thousands of cowboys to the desert for a weekend of celebration, experimentation, and exploration.
P. B. Fouke Redoubles His Commitment to Excellence (Part 18)
You hold in your hands a treasured tome, one second only to His Written Works in reverence and import. The Trappers' Partner Periodical & Catalogue is an indispensible ally to the accomplished trapper and shipper, a venerable publication whose every word betters the human condition and amplifies the greatness of man.
The End is Nigh
Nobody has seen or heard from North Dakota in weeks. The governor of South Dakota says he has no idea where North Dakota went, but he sounds so guilty when he says it. The politicians and news media all seem too scared to say what everyone is thinking: why does South Dakota look so much bigger on the map? And when did it start bordering Canada?
Dog of the Month Club
Companionship on a short leash. Never growing old together. All bark and no emotional bite. Meeting a new best friend every month. That's what Dogaday's Dog of the Month Club is all about.
Celebrity Stalker: Monster Edition (Part 10)
It's been a week of monstrous sightings for our dedicated star hunters. From London to Hollywood, they bring the goods! Who was the Invisible Man having lunch with? How does Frankenstein deal with a broken heart? A new bromance for Igor??? Find out in this month's Celebrity Stalker!
The Actual Pie Situation as of August 5, 1989
Peach Babyface, official mascot of the Pie Industry in Exile, is pleased to present the only accurate, scientifically sound listing of the 25 known varieties of pie in the world.
An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Stole My Car
The fact you have chosen my Honda Civic is quite flattering. And, I must say, you have one-upped me. Whereas I once paid a reasonable price for the vehicle, you have elected to take it for free. Clearly you are a more experienced car shopper than me.
Rustlr.com: Live-Rustling Chicago Bill's Hanging (Part 4)
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This week the whole darn town is rustlin' over Chicago Bill's hanging. And what's that no good Mad Bill Boothe tryin' to pull anyway? Find out in today's Rustlr, pardner!
A Horrid Collection (Part 12)
Some three decades ago, a man named Rod MacArthur changed the course of human history. Rod, a relic hunter and skilled forger of false idols, decided to start a company. Soon his enterprise grew into an empire, churning out graven images and demonic artifacts day and night.
Welcome to the DynaMars Corporation Cycnus Station Update Kiosk (Part 10)
Welcome back, Cycnus Station Resident! DynaMars Corporation is committed to keeping you updated on all relevant station news. Today's highlights: fumigation, new station commander, and mandatory relocation to external supply shed. Please enjoy!
Rustlr: Find Your Posse (Part 3)
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail.
Welcome to the DynaMars Corporation Cycnus Station Update Kiosk (Part 9)
Welcome to the newest station in the DynaMars Corporation family! Cycnus Station is a state-of-the-art campus with all the amenities you'd expect back home on Earth -- only here on Mars!
Celebrity Stalker: June Jamboree (Part 9)
Featuring the latest sightings of all your favorite celebrities! From Bob Newhart's dark side to Patrick Dempsey's run in with a varmint, we're keeping score with Hollywood's winners and losers.
Rustlr.com: Connect. Share. Giddyup. (Part 1)
Welcome to Rustlr.com, pardner! Ya ain't gonna find no better a social networking site in all the lands, no sir. Click over yonder to see the latest updates from yer fella cowpokes. Take a load off before ya hit that dusty trail!
Barkwire.com Dog Reviews: Trotter (Part 16)
Old age, sore joints and cataracts mean nothing to this tough soldier, still unrelenting in his fight for justice. Even with his mysterious origins, it is all but certain Trotter shares a common history and deadly rivalry with the villainous El Cráneo Negro.
SA Celebrity Stalker: Actually May Edition (Part 8)
Celebrities Ahoy! Our keen-eyed starmongers have been busy! This week exciting sightings of mega-celebs Mike Lauer, Morgan Goodman, Ben Hopper, Charlie Freeman, and Johnny Sheen.
Capital Wasteland Classifieds (Part 2)
Horrible earth-shattering apocalypse be damned! The Capital Wasteland is still alive and teeming with commerce, trade, and gainful employment.
Oldwallet.com: May Steals & Deals! (Part 3)
Get fantastic bargains, freebies, and more from seniors living in your neighborhood. Oldwallet.com connects you with the goods!
Concerning the Continued Nuisance Posed by Mr. Stormbeard (Part 2)
I believe you to be well aware of my ill feelings toward Langall Stormbeard, who resides at 2234 Roaring Elk Drive, the residence immediately adjacent to mine. For the past year I have been writing to complain about his bizarre, troubling, and dangerous behavior. For the past year you have been ignoring me.
SA Celebrity Stalker: Practically May Edition (Part 7)
Celebrities are on the move and our spies are watching every step like stoic eagles. Learn all about what Orlando Bloom is studying, what MK Olson is shopping for and MORE, MORE, MORE!
Senior Living 3: Oldageddon Part 2
The lines are drawn as Shaggy Pines Assisted Living Community residents David Thorpe and Joshua Boruff go head to head in a bloody, inky battle for control.
SA Celebrity Stalker: April Edition (Part 6)
Our steadfast celebrity hunters have been keeping extra busy. Find out what important deeds James Franco, Bob Hope's Ghost, Carl Weathers, Clive Owen, and more have been up to!
Behold the Sacred Prophecy of P. B. Fouke! (Part 17)
Good news loyal trappers and shippers: your faithful commander is back at the helm! As you are probably well aware from prior issues of this publication, I WAS IN A COMATOSE STATE FOR SOME MONTHS, teetering precariously between life and death. I am pleased to report that those days are behind me!
SA Celebrity Stalker: Super Turbo March Edition (Part 5)
Our intrepid stargazers are always prowling the streets for unsuspecting celebrities! This week: why is Kelsey Grammer sad? Was it something Bill Laimbeer ate? What strange gift did Hugh Jackman leave in the bushes? FIND OUT!
Oldwallet.com: Hot March Freebies! (Part 2)
Get fantastic bargains, freebies, and more from seniors living in your neighborhood. Oldwallet.com connects you with the goods!
Classic Movies Recast
Classic movies get recast by people determined to make you weep.
My Own Worst Anime (Part 7)
Look, Jerry, you're missing the point. Even if I did block you out intentionally, Jerry, I would have just cause. Living with you is like being trapped in prison with a mad man. Sometimes, Jerry, you look at me with those crazed eyes and I'm not sure whether you're going to rape me or kill me.
Classical Musicians
Modern music meets old timey times. It's like something torn from the pages of science fiction!
SA Celebrity Stalker: March Madness (Part 4)
All the hottest celeb spottings on the block, from the hunky Danny DeVito to the butter-chested Philip Seymour Hoffman. SA Celebrity Stalker keeps you plugged into the celeblogosphere like no other site.
Classy Games (Bonus Images)
Even more video games re-imagined in the style classic literature!
Anime at the Gates (Part 6)
I imagine you might try to call in some favors. I imagine the SWAT team right outside, Jerry. They're all out there waiting to bust down the door, swarm in, knock me to the floor, and handcuff my hands behind my back. Then, Jerry, they'll drag me outside as I scream and fight. I'll be screaming your name, Jerry.
Star Wars as Classic Art
Centuries of classic art and human creativity being thrown into the Sarlacc Pit to die.
Dogsight: Weekly Dog Spottings (Part 15)
All the latest dog sightings, courtesy of your fellow Shaggy Butte dog spotters! This week's spottings include Senator, Noir, Tetanus, Promise, and more!
Birds with Human Hands
We've all dreamt of a world where birds had human hands, but never imagined it could come true... until now.
SA Celebrity Stalker: February Edition (Part 3)
Our celeb-hungry fanatics are always sending us the latest celebrity spots from across the country! This time: Mickey Rourke goes primal, Kanye West arrives in style, and more!
Oldwallet.com (Part 1)
Get fantastic bargains, freebies, and more from seniors living in your neighborhood. Oldwallet.com connects you with the goods!
Classy Games (Part 1 of 2)
If only video games packaging was really this creative.
The Legend of Big Melon Crush
The harrowing story of Big Melon Crush, a simple boy with but one talent: crushing melons on his abnormally large head. Learn how he rose to power, conquered the terrible Gauntlet of Impossibly Hard Melons, and secured his place in legend.
SA Celebrity Stalker: January Edition (Part 2)
Our talented scouts are always spying for celebrities, and this month they saw some real gems. From Bobby De Niro to Joe Biden, we've got the highlights and lowlights!
Same Actor, Wrong Role
The Something Awful Forum Goons reflect on the movies, and get it all wrong.
The Perfect Clown for the Job
When one takes out a contract with an ideal clown, he should feel secure that the contract will be honored. The clown must serve out the edicts of the contract with his life and livelihood as the collateral. Should a clown fail, he must sever a part of his own person as a sacrifice to appease the contractor.
Red Carpet Roadkill
All the glitz and glamour of Hollywood... and some dead animals, too.
You! Customer, Hear My Words!
Let it be known that on a recent evening I saw fit to organize a gathering of the St. Louis Fur & Meat Magnates. I, by virtue of my stature, prominence, and renown in both fields, was of course the guest of honor. The other invitees included Mr. A. P. Brown of Brown Fur Amalgamated, and the notorious J. F. Swanton of Swanton Furs.
The Reanimated (Part 5)
I was ready to leave anime behind for you, Jerry, but thank God I saw the light! Suddenly I felt like Yukinari being transported to the mystic world of Seiren, and Miharu-chan represented the saving grace that is Japanese animation: the only thing that can touch me without causing pain.
Dinosaur v. Shark
A ridiculous combination of dinosaurs, sharks, explosions, and whimsy.
