The Most Metal Things Ever!
If you are a false, don't entry, because you'll be burned and died.
Make Video Game Characters Real! (Part 2 of 2)
This theme came to a close last week, but it was not a true ending!
A Leather Oaks Christmas (Thanks, iteration!)
Leather Oaks Christmas -- Rubbery Greetings to You!
Make Video Game Characters Real! (Part 1 of 2)
The SA forum goons play it and live it!
Q & SA: Transatlantic
This prog 'supergroup' talks about gay porn, hair product, and an elephant trunk between the legs.
Lesser-Known Sleeping Positions!
Everybody sleeps! The SA forum goons just do so a little differently.
Lethal Doses
Mac Lethal came up as a battle rapper, so he gives no fuck about insulting fellow musicians.
Something Dogful
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka always tells me "when all else fails, write about your pets." Well, all else has failed, despite the promise that my "creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas." Thanks for nothing, fortune cookie jerk!
People Say I Look Like (Thanks, JonDoe!)
People Say I Look Like an empty, useless site!
Koehnline's Acorn (Thanks, ItsJustChocolate!)
Koenline's Acorn -- Chaos reigns!
Alan Alda and/or Charlton Heston + Stuff = Genius!
The SA forum goons turn random homage into something transcendent.
Stuff You Will Hate III: Hell on Earth
Sgt. D and I celebrate Christmas early by sending each other crap.
Celestial Soul Portraits (Thanks, SirRobin!)
Celestial Soul Portraits -- A unique magical service!
The Basement Dance Studio (Thanks, theguyincorner!)
Basement Dance Studio -- Dance bug may cause distortions!
They Live!
But who are they? What do they want? And where did the goons get those glasses?
Q & SA: Devin Townsend
Silence, inbreds! The erstwhile strapping young lad speaks to SA about abusive banter, nightmares, and feather pens.
2012: The Alchemy of Time (Thanks, Red and Black!)
2012: The Alchemy of Time -- Ellie Crystal's Apocalypse!
Barry Clarke Real Estate (Thanks, Newhook_1!)
Barry Clarke Real Estate-- No longer a thing of the future!
The Top Ten Albums of 2009...
...in the soon-to-be-published opinions of other critics, most of whom are wrong.
Improper Ganda!
Propaganda! Don't believe what you see, don't believe what you read.
LOLCat Bible Translation Project (Thanks, Y-Hat!)
LOLCat Bible Translation Project -- God, no.
The Boy Who Cried Wolfmother
Please, people, I know I told you other bands sucked, but believe me, this is way fucking worse.
Too Many Boxes
A woman becomes obsessed with the belief that there are too many boxes in the world. She submits the complaint "too many boxes" to the police department. Her note eventually ends up in the inbox of the Box Control division. The crusty box detective agrees to take the case.
Professor Wonder (Thanks, Horrible Goblin!)
Professor Wonder's Wonder Factory -- Name that balloon!
Good Bye Letters to Co Workers (Thanks, Ben!)
Good Bye Letters to Co Workers -- So long, suckers!
Stuff You Will Hate II: Unholy Creations
I send Sgt. D videos specifically chosen to drive him insane, and he sends back -- well, it doesn't matter, I hate everything.
Movies That Show Their Age!
The SA forum goons subject films to the relentless, unstoppable, cruel savagery of time.
Oregon Alcohol Server Education (Thanks, Jimbo!)
Oregon Alcohol Server Education -- Don't drink and design!
Indiana Ghost Trackers (Thanks, Akusai)
Indiana Ghost Trackers -- The ghost of GeoCities!
Halloween Horror!
This year, Halloween fell on a weekend. The SA forums goons went trick-or-treating.
Catching up with Conal Cochran
"Halloween III: Season of the Witch" marked a notable departure for the franchise, in that it was not a horror film about a serial killer but instead a documentary about the rise and fall of a colorful toy magnate. Something Awful has a treat for you: An interview with that movie's controversial central figure, Conal Cochran.
The Classics in Manga Format (Thanks, Bees in Trees!)
The Classics in Manga Format -- Fair is foul!
Tiesto Meets the Monster of Trance
Undercover correspondent Jesse 'kingcobweb' Mason reveals the truth about trance.
PJBearstein's Gallery (Thanks, hello binga!)
PJBearstein's gallery -- Bears, bunnies, but no trolls!
Discover Chinimals, and Beasts with Bad Teeth!
Nature is beautiful, until the SA Forum Goons get involved.
That's a Good Skeleton, Johnny... A Little Too Good
Johnny, we would like to talk to you about your drawings. No, no, they're not bad. They're very impressive. We just have some... questions.
Zaphod's Planet (Thanks, CLe4r!)
Zaphod's Planet -- Being stupid is their choice!
Wrong End Bosses (Part 2 of 2)
The SA forum goons deliver another round of displaced villains.
Stuff You Will Hate!
Guest collaborator Sergeant D thought he liked all music. I had a few bands for him to meet.
The Scapegoat Solution
America faces serious economic and cultural problems. I have a solution, but it requires goats. Lots of goats.
Anime Eye Shades (Thanks, Trista!)
Anime Eye Shades -- Stare directly at the sun!
Your Band is Great!
This column takes a loving, supportive look at the music you're completely justified in enjoying!
Easy Tiger Corp (Thanks, Jumbo Jimbo!)
Easy Tiger Corp -- Permanent skid marks!
Muse
Simultaneously bombastic and boring, 'The Resistance' crushes hope from both sides of the spectrum.
Nobody Messes with S.W.O.R.D.
Chairs and tables were overturned; posters depicting ancient warriors were ripped; computer monitors lay on their sides, the screens flickering like candles at a vigil. And then there were the bodies. The man beamed, then shouted: "In theory, I am the greatest swordsman who ever lived!"
Jesus Believes in Evolution (Thanks, King Klear!)
Jesus Believes in Evolution -- And he hates it!
Mute Math
The depressing story of 'Armistice,' the terrible easy-listening album that almost wasn't.
Microsoft's Emerging Markets!
Inspired by Microsoft, the SA Forum Goons empower you with the Photoshops you need!
Draw Your Way across a Cliff!
Trust the SA Forum Goons to get you from Cliff A to Cliff B.
Randomly Generated Video Games! (Part Two of Two)
The SA Forum Goons never let a game's nonexistence stand in the way of brilliant box design.
Hot Chicks Eating Tacos
Hot Chicks Eating Tacos -- Apparently exciting to someone!
Randomly Generated Video Games! (Part One of Two)
The SA forum goons designed the boxes; now someone really needs to make these games.
Reading Time: Talking with a Panther (Part 12)
With nothing to differentiate between days, time has escaped largely unobserved, until today. Today Stevie spots an unsolicited guest, a feline oddity striding confidently toward him, its tail curled inquisitively between its hind legs.
Steve Perry Fanfiction (Thanks, rangergirl!)
Steve Perry Fanfiction -- Any way you want it!
Owl City
Greetings, friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Send $ to Owl City (don't use Postal Service)! Obnoxious happiness is just an Amazon order away!
Ride 'em, Cowboy!
We'll all be listening to cowboy tunes, and stomping around like a bunch of Goons.
Busty Heart's Place (NWS!) (Thanks, AvidAcid!)
Busty Heart's Place -- BustyHH@aol.com!
The Joy of Painting Bob Ross! (Part 2 of 2)
The SA forum goons go back to their drawing boards.
Sir, About This Sloth...
Good morning, sir. I suppose you've been hearing a lot of crazy talk around the office about how I keep a sloth in my shirt pocket. Well, yes, it's true, completely true. The little guy's right here. But you've gotta admit it's pretty crazy!
The Joy of Painting Bob Ross! (Part 1 of 2)
The SA forum goons make happy little images.
Mayhem Fest
An all-day metal event -- attended for research purposes, of course -- yields some hideous lowlights.
Nytemare_666's Alien Webpage
Did you know that aliens can fly? Aliens can do this, and more. I have studied aliens on the Internet for almost 6 months, and I know a guy who says he saw one. Someday I'll see an alien, and it will probably be the sickest day ever.
Backyard Wrestling Association (Thanks, Khad!)
Backyard Wrestling Association -- It's hardcore!
The Decemberists
Indie's most bookish band builds vocabularies, sings of deer-man-woman sex. Read all about it!
Apocalypse Cartoons (Thanks, Maide!)
Apocalypse Cartoons -- When penises roamed the earth!
AT-AT Attack!
Echo Station 3-T-8, the SA forum goons have spotted Imperial Walkers!
All Time Low
These guys could be soulless machines, or they might represent the nadir of modern music. Either way, nothing personal.
Tahiti Joe's Hot Sauces (Thanks, Bob Quixote!)
Tahiti Joe's Hot Sauces -- XX Hot with Poo!
Virgin Mary's End-Time Prophecies (Thanks, chokingstyle!)
"MTV is Satan's way" -- Virgin Mary, 1992
Celebrities, Wild Animals and Appliances!
The SA forum goons keep finding new homes for famous faces.
Dream Theater vs. The Mars Volta
Two prog bands battle to the death, but EVERYONE SURVIVED. RAHHRGH!
Maxim Letters: July 2009
EGM: Enraged Geek Mail! New readers sound off on the EGM/Maxim switch -- from their moms' basements!
Sideshow Bob-Fanatics (Thanks, Darth Methodist!)
Sideshow Bob-Fanatics -- Like a rake in the face!
Classy Games IV!
The SA forum goons delve deeper into their cornucopia of classiness, producing even more elegant, creative box art.
8-Bit Schlock!
The SA forum goons offer a tantalizing glimpse at squandered movie-license game opportunities.
Embassy Vending (Thanks, SpookyTurtle!)
Embassy Vending -- Ugly design since 1999!
Grizzly Bear
Beet-eating nerds make boring folk for latent hippies disguised as hipsters.
Clown Magic NYC (Thanks, Autumn!)
Clown Magic NYC -- Zany Fun Frolic Bellhops!
The Art of Taurin Fox (NWS!) (Thanks, NinjaJanai!)
The Art of Taurin Fox -- Commissioned gay furry porn!
Send musicians back in time!
The SA forum goons revisit nice music's golden age, with modern noise-makers in tow.
Reading Time: The Truth Comes Out (Part 11)
Now a fugitive, Stevie seeks answers from a mysterious Elderly.
Village of Arcade (Thanks, Erik!)
Village of Arcade -- Welcome back to eWorld!
How Does Prayer Work? (Thanks, Cherrysherbet!)
How Does Prayer Work? -- You're doing it all wrong!
Same Actor, Wrong Role (Part 2!)
The SA forum goons replace actors with themselves -- by which I mean "the same actor playing a different character," not "goons are ready for their big-screen close-up."
Green Day: 21st Century Breakdown
We "break down" the new Green Day! Ha ha. But seriously, it's fucking horrible.
Johanna's Art (Thanks, Hello Binga!)
Johanna's Stevie Nicks Art -- Stand back!
Replace Movie Titles with Song Titles!
The SA forum goons spoil movies by adding their own soundtracks.
Petticoat Punishment Makeovers (Thanks, Writer Cath!)
Petticoat Punishment Makeovers -- From guys to dolls!
Released Reactions: Giga Promo (Thanks, William X!)
Released Reactions: "Hardcore Giga Sized..." -- Run!
Ponytail
Are you tired of vocalists who use actual words and sing on key? Pitchfork has the band for you!
Survival Seed Bank (Thanks, Peder!)
Survival Seed Bank -- Grow a crisis garden OR ELSE!
Night of the Living Mr. Rogers
SA founder Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka submits an obscure early work to critical scrutiny.
Teddy Babe Chronicles (Thanks, Sister Miyagi!)
Teddy Babe Chronicles -- One man + three dolls = dollygamy!
Awful Band Links
A search of music-themed Awful Link submissions yields some horrendous politically motivated songwriters -- and TIMATAYO!
NOW!
Somehow, the hits compilation "NOW That's What I Call Music" still tops the charts after thirty installments. These customer testimonials explain the mysterious allure.
Making Reading Fun Through Trickery
The SA forum goons make books look a lot more appealing.
Busted Bracket
Women compete March Madness-style for the title Queen Skank, with four atrocious bands as the selection committee.
The ULTIMAte Spring Break
The island looked pretty awesome, so I thought, I'll take the cooler and chill out for a while. There weren't a lot of people on the beach, which was nice at first, but then I found out that's because the water is filled with GODDAMN DRAGONS AND SNAKES AND SWIMMING HORSES.
Charity Compactor
Buying benefit records can make you feel great, as long as you don't do something stupid like actually listening to them.
SXSW Anti-Guide
For a successful South by Southwest experience, see shows other than the ones listed in this anti-guide. People outside Austin, take note: These acts might be headed your way.
Reading Time: The Calcutta Affair (Part 10)
Dear Max, They gave me a different partner because you weren’t here, and he was a mirthless fellow who gnawed my toes. Also, I had to be a “spy,” which is nothing like a hero. You are not allowed to use powers and kill aliens. You just watch villains and become confused. Maybe you will understand what happened better than I did.
No Love for Asher Roth
Asher Roth's "I Love College": A song so stupidly obvious, it's amazing generations of idiot musicians didn't think of it first.
U2: The World's Biggest Band
Get on your boots, and let's wade through "No Line on the Horizon."
End Times for Thai 2000
When we named our restaurant Thai 2000, we realized a day of reckoning awaited us. We were the eating-house of the future, but we knew that when that future became the present, we would be coffin-trapped in the past. Oh, horrible progress!
Money for Nothing
Remember First Floor from Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing" video? There's more to their story than you could have ever imagined. Stay for a spell as the band's singer Kiko goes through their photo album!
Bomb Bizkitville
Limp Bizkit returns vowing to clean up the "heavy popular music" scene, but they'll probably just make things worse.
Reading Time: The Invaders (Part 9)
Dear Max, the Instructors told me I could send you my own Reading Time, so you could see for yourself what it’s like Outside. Please believe these words and pictures. I hope you will understand them superior grade, so you can join me and we can be heroes together. Your friend, Stevie
Sui-Cyde Solution
Back in 2007, Brokencyde sang "Will kill myself, but something tells me you won't give a fuck." There's only one way to find out!
Good Riddance, 2008 -- Forever! (#4-1)
Fake rappers and Nickelback clones dominate the final four entries on 2008's worst musical happenings countdown.
Grammy Awards Exclusive!
Most Grammy Awards were awarded in advance, with little fanfare. Something Awful was there to record the results.
Good Riddance, 2008: Haiku Edition! 22-11
Countdown continues/rude haikus for last year's duds/Poetic justice.
Heroes, Just for One Day
After watching 14 straight hours of 'Heroes: Season Three,' my eyes rolled back in my skull and I started painting the future! Then I realized that had already been done -- twice -- so I wrote down a few observations instead.
Good Riddance, 2008: 29-23
The month-long wrap-up of 2008's worst music addresses some fresh voices in the field of horribleness, some familiar faces, and some faces that might be more familiar if they were caked in cheesy make-up or concealed in alien masks.
Good Riddance, 2008: 38-30
The countdown to 2008's worst act uncovers the fresh horrors lurking between #38 and #30.
Frost/Soulja
A remarkably well-preserved talk-show host interviewed a controversial teenage rapper. 400 million people were waiting for the truth. Yahh, bitch, yahh!
Good Riddance, 2008: 46-39
The first installment of 2008's 46 Worst Musical Happenings ranges from 'Heroes' Hayden's slutty single to Natalie Portman's Shaved Head.
Louisville Free Face
Louisville Free Face -- Ladies, don't all sign up at once!
