Failing at Being the Worst
Naked brothers, moon parties and boyshorts factor into this Worst of 2008 prelude.
A Reading Time Christmas Primer (Part 8)
The human version of the Santa Claus story contains various distorted truths, but the True Lesson, which we present to you now in Reading Task format, offers classified information regarding the surprising heroism of some animals, the untrustworthiness of rodents, and the relevance of the red suit and false beard we recently asked you to wear.
Christmas Carol Compactor, Part Two
All-American Rejects and Fall Out Boy converse with Spirits using their own lyrics, but only one band emerges alive.
Christmas Carol Compactor, Part One
In the first installment of the Christmas Carol Compactor, a ghost haunted by Saliva's appalling career gets his revenge.
Chain of Fools
Amazon's personalized recommendations can be terrifying, if you're in the bad-music business.
TV Threshold: Two Extremes
'The Mentalist' might be too good for TV Threshold, while 'Valentine' turned out to be too stupid to live.
The Devil You Don't Know
Are random bar bands better than Hinder and Winger, even if they're striving to be Hinder and Winger? Why, yes they are.
Sandy Paws Pet Grooming Shop
Sandy Paws Grooming -- A poodle's worst nightmare.
Reading Time: 'Fantastic Four in the House of Horrors'
Satan lives, and I will find him. I will succeed where the Fantastic Four have failed.
Twilight Compactor
T-Pain, The Killers, and other possibly UNDEAD artists, armed only with their lyrics, try to charm Bella.
We Are Partners: A Tragic Rime (Part 7)
We Are Partners under violent siege. Please send hero. Stop.
David Vs. David: Battle of the Bores
'American Idol' stars David Cook and David Archuleta continue their rivalry by simultaneously releasing unenthralling albums. This time, Archuleta "wins."
TV Threshold: Big Bang, Worst Week
TV Threshold descends deeper into sitcom hell with 'Big Bang Theory' and 'Worst Week.'
Red-State Rock!
Is there anything of value to glean from the latest Nickelback and Hinder albums?
Death Laid An Egg
Only an Art Film would waste this title -- not a giant killer chicken to be found.
The Real High School Musical
"High School Musical 3" gets an infusion of actual teenage topics to prepare the franchise's fan base for their real future.
The Assassination of Barack Obama
Assassination of Barack Obama -- No threat, just bad art.
Reading Time: 'Frankenstein, Jr.: The Menace of the Heartless Monster' (Part 6)
Stevie, forget what you have heard about this "Frankenstein." Frankenstein, Jr is the hero you are required to know. He lives among the humans, and does outstanding tasks under a scientist's command. He is a role model for you. He is a robot.
Jigsaw's Compactor
Hello, Snow Patrol. Hello, Robert Smith. I have heard your new albums. I would like to play a game.
TV Threshold
So many shows on television, so few that can be watched in their entirety without the comfort of available cyanide pills.
Wal-Mart Field Trip
After the surreal retardation of mandatory Wal-Mart music shopping, listening to AC/DC's 'Black Ice' proved anticlimactic.
Bionic Ninja
Fledgling ninjas, read the Yellow Pages to learn the deadly Walking Fingers technique!
Burn Hollywood Burn
With Hollywood Undead, Garbage Day finally reaches the bottom of the barrel.
Living Dinos (Thanks, el Gran Poco!)
Dinosaurs Live! -- Non-crazy proof pending.
Reading Time: 'The Incredible Hulk: Lost in Time' (Part 5)
Instructor, I have learned much about the Hulk during this Reading Task, but I have an additional question: Dad?
Reading Time: 'Batman: The Cheetah Caper' (Part 4)
Batman is not a real hero, Instructors. He will not help us with the cause. He will love animals, and they won't even be bats, and then a furry person will take him to his dungeon. The 'Cheetah' does not exist. Where does the fraud end?
The Compactor: September 2008
Blessed by a Broken Heart and Semi Precious Weapons repeat the worst stylistic and musical mistakes of the '70s and '80s.
4D Immersion Theater
4D Immersion Theater -- This site wants to tickle your legs.
Lakeview Terrace
'Lakeview Terrace' lets Samuel L. Jackson play Good Cop (sliding whistle up), Bad Cop (sliding whistle down).
Hate Is A Strong Word
The phrase "Big Bad World" will never ever be the same, and Plain White T's are to blame.
The Follies of Al Pacino
With 'Righteous Kill' in theaters and '88 Minutes' new to DVD, this might be the worst week of Al Pacino's career.
More Like Suckcherry
On 'Black Butterfly,' Buckcherry filthies up the Aerosmith formula.
Thursday Night Fights (Thanks, Evil Raiden!)
Thursday Night Fights -- With 'ringirls'! Oh, and boxers.
Silly Daddy Comics (Thanks, whos this guy!)
Silly Daddy Comics -- Family Circus unplugged!
Reading Time: 'Superman in The Phantom Zone Collection' (Part 3)
Instructor, thank you for Reading Tasks that teach us the value of science. If only Superman had learned this lesson!
Unforgiven
Metallica ends its lengthy sabbatical from tolerability with "Death Magnetic," an album that's not quite perfect enough to earn the band a full acquittal for its decades of musical crimes.
Bangkok Dangerous
There's dangerous, and then there's "Bangkok Dangerous," with "Bangkok" apparently translating as "not especially." The movie's terrible, yes, but not for the reasons you might expect.
Chilly Willy Tattoos (Thanks, Oatmeal Surprise!)
Chilly Willy Tattoos -- A terminal case of "Penguinitis."
VMA Preview Extravaganza
MTV's Video Music Awards salute the few clips the station sees fit to air, most of which deserve a mooning more than a Moonman. Here's a guide to the bad, the worse and the ugly.
The Blazing Ninja
'The Blazing Ninja' plays like a Shakespearean tragedy as clumsily interpreted by martial-arts hack Godfrey Ho.
The Compactor: August 2008
August's worst noise polluters include Family Force 5, Blues Traveler and Trapt, but not Beeda Weeda's tummy. Also, a tribute to Arabian "Something 2 Dance 2" Prince.
Reading Time: 'Aquaman, Scourge of the Sea' (Part 2)
Stevie, please proffer your latest findings regarding book task 'Aquaman: Scourge of the Sea.' If indeed you have absorbed its True Lessons, may they serve you well on the Outside.
Chris Cornell: The Timbaland Tapes
Timbaland accepts his toughest challenge: Yielding dance-floor gold from Chris Cornell's scorched throat.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
'The Clone Wars' focuses on three central characters, pet-named Sky Guy, Snips and Stinky. And thus the 'Star Wars' franchise burrows deeper into the abyss.
The Emperor's New Boy Band
Afraid of alienating millions of magazine-buying pre-teens, critics strained to depict the Jonas Brothers as a legitimate musical force instead of a neutered power-pop starter kit.
America's Got Talent -- Dubious Talent!
Folks, I've seen some things in my time, but I never thought I'd see some sort of pervert orgy using America's good name, right on my television. If that's what 'talent' is, a catalog of sexual depravities, well, I'm glad God gave me the short shrift.
Educational Series, Volume One: Rhythm and Blues Revue
The first installment of the Educational Series briefly chronicles the history of R&B, from the genre's tragic pioneers to New Jack Swing to the current crap.
Reading Time: 'Spider-Man Zaps Mr. Zodiac' (Part 1)
Well, Stevie, I am told you have completed book task 'Spider-Man Zaps Mr. Zodiac.' Could you please share your findings regarding this reading, and what True Lesson you've discovered? Our Distinguished Visitor awaits your report.
Communism Eisenstark
Communism Eisenstark -- An unhinged approach to communism.
The Compactor: July 2008
July's installment of The Compactor savages disco darlings Black Kids and crunk-rapping clowns 3oh!3.
Glossy Archives: A
The mini-column Glossy Archives examines forgotten bands as well as recognizable groups that weathered forgettable phases. GA's first subject falls into the former category (at least in America), partly because it chose to christen itself "A."
Daughters of Amy Winehouse
With Amy Winehouse suspended in a permanent state of slow decay, record labels race to create British soul-singer clones.
Catman in Lethal Track
"Catman in Lethal Track" documents the powers (super-strength, laser vision) and possessions (a form-fitting costume, a "cat computer") that can be instantly transmitted to anyone scraped by radioactive feline claws.
One Moment After the End (Thanks, BiggerJ!)
One Moment After The End -- Furries after death!
Aerosmith Must Die
In an interview promoting its new Guitar Hero game, Aerosmith said game publishers are "the new record companies." If that's true, and all the "new records" are this dull, God help us all.
Miranda Cosgrove's Freakish Fans
Miranda-Cosgrove.net -- Uniting a teen's peculiar devotees.
The Ruins
"The Ruins," new to DVD, fails miserably in its attempt to bring real terror to the "green, leafy things will murder you" genre.
Warped Beyond Repair
For seekers of musical nourishment, Warped Tour 2008 is like eight hours of exile in an arid, vulture-picked desert. Weep for the youth of today! More importantly, mourn any mature, sane people who get stuck attending as chaperones -- or critics.
The Compactor
The Compactor dismantles June's dumbest releases, including tap-dancing Tilly, Bush-less Gavin and the insipid Ting Tings.
Yvette's Bridal Formal (Thanks, Pulp Dallas!)
Yvette's Bridal Formal -- making marriage ugly.
Rev Theory: Hell? Yeah.
If you enjoy latter-day Metallica, professional wrestling and car chases, you'll love Rev Theory's video "Hell Yeah" (but you'll probably hate this article).
Jolly Old Pip at the Flixster Chat
All right, mates? It's your humble cyber-space correspondent Alistair Milner, here to flog Flixster. What's all this, then? Why, it's a computer-talking room that I've come to fancy. And it's easy peasy, young ducks. Let Jolly Pip show you the ropes.
Hybrid Animal Human Page: Adult Hybrid
Hybrid Animal Human Adult Page -- Chimeras by Hustler
Katy Perry Ruins Everything
Katy Perry aims for controversial and sexy, but instead she's annoying and potentially dangerous, given her proclivity for ruining enjoyable Internet phenomena.
Christian E-Card (Thanks Dream Phone!)
ChristiaNet e-cards - caring enough to send the very worst
Weezer: The Worst Song That Ever Lived
Weezer's single "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" combines at least ten different forms of music, all of which are played poorly. The song also provides a panoramic overview of Weezer's most off-putting traits while serving as a bloated testament to the band's precipitous decline.
Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up
Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up -- pissing people off
