Ask Emily: 12.11.02

Dear inabitofajam,I just don't know why anyone would ever have this question. There are so many things that one can do to get rid of a human body and this is such a big world that I am in constant amazement that any murderers ever get caught. I mean, seriously, you can put that thing anywhere. It's tiny in relation to almost everything else in existence. If you cut it up into pieces it could be even more easily disposed of. There are also many ways of cleanly and quietly disposing of a corpse so as to not get caught with physical evidence. I'm not sure what resources you currently have access to, but if possible all you'd have to do is burn it, soak the ashes in lye, and subsequently scatter/dump what's left of the ashes in a large body of water or a river. This method is virtually foolproof as there would really be no way of finding anything or identifying the remains. If you don't have access to anything that would burn a human body, simply put the body in a bathtub, fill the bathtub with drain-cleaner, wait a day, and simply wash your troubles down the drain.PS. Don't forget to rape it first.PS2. If you go the Drain-o route DON'T CHARGE IT and buy it slowly over a long period of time at many different stores.

No doubt we'll soon be reading about this guy in the paper.

Dear Amazed,Congrats on the date; I hope that a beautiful relationship completely devoid of Star Trek slash fiction will soon follow. I'll offer you a few ideas for a first date, but next time you ask a girl out you might want to think of an idea before the fact. You know, just to avoid looking like a moron, etc.1. I have suggested this to people in the past but I still think that it is the perfect idea for a first date. Find an odd spot, like the rooftop of some old building, and bring your date up there with no prior explanation. Ahead of time you will have arranged a picnic there (complete with blanket and everything) consisting of several varieties of KFC's finest chicken-like items (and side dishes) and a bottle of nice-ish but not too nice red wine. If you are really Don Juan you should include candles and perhaps a small boombox with your choice of music playing close by. A single rose is always nice for effect. This is a great first date because it will show that you are quirky but romantic and that you don't necessarily have a lot of money but that you are willing to splurge on some things. Her expectations won't be unrealistic for whatever relationship you decide to pursue.2. Take a tour of a slaughterhouse. Nothing says "meant to be" like watching pigs or cows solemnly parade to their deaths via gun to the head (or, more entertainingly, electrocution) down a plank slick with their own blood and gore. She might be so horrified at the sight that she becomes a vegetarian and therefore you will have a cheaper time feeding her over the course of your relationship. She might also get scared, which would cause her to grab on to you for support or she might throw up which means that you'd get to show your sensitive side by holding her hair back for her as she vomits. If things don't work out it will at least be a first date that neither of you will ever forget.3. Get her drunk and stick your thing in her when she passes out. Tell her in the morning that you both just fell asleep and that she's probably just sore because it's time for her bleeding to start or whatever that thing is that happens with women every month or so. Trust me, everything will be copasetic from then on.Well these have only been three ideas, but I'm sure that from them you can figure something out. If they don't work out, the traditional dinner and a movie option usually doesn't go wrong and you will enjoy the horrible awkwardness of fumbling for conversation at the dinner table or trying to find one another's sweaty hands in the dark theater. In any case, good luck and godspeed.

She sure bagged herself a winner there. I wish I were going along on that date.

lonelyhobo,It might just be time to start buying your pants at an establishment more responsible for making quality clothing than Wal-Mart or Big Earl's Discount Pants. I know that clothing costs a lot of money, but it's one of those situations where unless you are going to stupidly purchase some sort of $200 pants made by the finest lambs wool that Mongolia has to offer, you get what you pay for. Spending fifty bucks on a pair of reliable jeans is a wise investment and will save you a lot of embarrassment if you need to bend over and pick up some ketchup packets in the future.PS. Lose some weight, fatty.

That's all for this week if you actually read this far (which you better have). If you'd like me to try to answer your question, email me at askemily@somethingawful.com and I'll do my best. In the mean time, pray as hard as you can for the poor saps who wrote this week's letters because they need all of the prayers that they can get (even ones to the Great Goat God). Prayers are about all that can save them at this point. I'll see you in two weeks! IN HELL.

- Emily "Integral" Reigel

– Emily "Ask Emily" Reigel