Ask Emily: 12.11.02

Hey J,Six months seems like a really long time when you're sixteen, that's for damn sure. Then again, fifty bucks also seems like a lot of money at that age, so it's good to put everything in perspective. From the way you put it, the upcoming Christmas holiday is important to your relationship, you care about her a lot, and you want to get her something nice with the money you've saved from your job at Taco Bell. At the same time, let's be real here, you're 16, duders.I'm going to suggest a couple of things here, but it's tough for me because I don't know what sort of girl your significant other is. For example, a girly 16 year-old would be happy with certain presents involving the "Backstreet Boys" or whatever, while a nerdy girl would be totally different. Maybe she's a goth and wants some black clothing to match her black, black heart, I have no idea. The stuff that I suggest will therefore be sort of generic but able to be personalized depending on what sort of girl you have there.1. Girls like it when you show your sensitive side, so write her something. Seriously. It doesn't have to be a lame-o poem or anything like that, but at least write her a letter telling her what your relationship means to you and that you are happy to be spending Christmas together. Believe me, this is a good idea and if you do it you will be in like Flynn (and he's in, baby). Tailor the letter to her personality, so if she's a furry draw a bunch of dogs with human heads, seven tits and three penises or something. Plus it's cheap, man.2. Girls like it when you show interest in their hobbies, so get her something she'd want to use. For example, if she is really into drawing pictures of aborted fetuses or the like, get her a nice pencil set or an easel or some art supplies or whatever. If she really likes working out, get her a membership at the local gym or some free weights or a coupon for a massage at a local spa. Something involving her preferences and likes, etc. When you show that you take an interest in her interests she gets happy. That's just the way things go. I can't be more specific here, because I don't know her, but you get the idea, hopefully.3. Get her a book to read. If she's really not into books, get her a nice journal to write in. This sounds like another lame gift, but it's the sort of present that really demonstrates that you care about her mind (you'll get laid after this for sure) and it's also the sort of thing that she will look back on and remember you by, even if you decide to break up. It's also not a shitload of money.3 ideas, all of them really vague. But they are for the most part inexpensive gift ideas (important at 16) and you have at least some degrees of freedom with them. Additionally, all of these things are things where if you decide to break up you won't be kicking yourself for spending $400 buying her some ugly jewelry that she won't ever wear again, anyway. She might actually want/use them. So good luck and happy buying.

I am very, very happy that I am not that guy's girlfriend.

Dear Benthalus,I am pretty sure that your mom is nuts and I hope that you are not implying some sort of incestuous relationship with your mother. Those never work out, take it from me. Your Mom is most likely teasing you because she is really jealous and upset that you are attracting women as you are soon going to be replacing her with those females. Be careful! She might try to kill you in order to keep you for herself.In any case, if I saw a guy who just kept walking around licking his lips left and right I'd think that there was something seriously wrong with him or I'd offer him some Chapstick. Or I'd think that he had herpes. And you don't want people to think that you have herpes, do you? Herpes is not the glamorous disease that the media makes it out to be. Just ask Herpes Joe if you don't believe me.

That guy had more problems than any of them so far. I hope that he stops licking his lips soon, for the good of humanity.