Ask Emily: 01-27-2003

Aaron,I have heard this question over and over again from various nerds and I do not understand why people continue to ask my opinion on this matter. I also don't understand why you'd ask me where I hang out, seeing as it should be increasingly obvious to you all at this point that I hang out at home on the goddamn computer machine. I suppose that from time to time I go to bars and such with friends, but if I can at all help it I try to hang out with people in a private environment rather than a public one in which weirdos like you might size me up as a possible mate.It is a little bit disturbing to me that you begin your letter to me by asserting that you have a "genius IQ." I can assure you, nothing turns me (and I'm sure other women as well) off more than some retard explaining that he took an IQ test at ShopKo when he was 12 and they told him that he was a genius because he was able to pick out which shape did not belong with all of the other shapes. No one cares about things like that and if that's the means by which you try to pick up women, I can say right off the bat that you might as well save yourself the effort. I am sure that you're very smart, but either keep that self-aggrandizing shit to yourself or bring it up in a very private way with people that you already have as friends, otherwise people are going to think that you are just an annoying, bragging moron. I'd also urge you not to go about telling people that you make a lot of money or drive a nice car. People don't really care about that stuff unless they're shallow and materialistic, and you don't want those people as mates.As for where you should look to find physically attractive and smart people, I suggest going to some places frequented by college age people, ideally on a college campus or close to it. Living in a college town, I can honestly say that I see "pretty" people everywhere and nine times out of ten those same people are also students, meaning that they are at least moderately intelligent (hopefully). If you go to a place close to a large enough university, chances are that you will find a wide cross-section at your disposal and that you will be able to pick and choose. If you are going to college next year, take a break. Work on yourself and aim to make yourself as good a person as you can in the year that you have to wait. When you get there you will find that you are much better off for not having settled for someone you are not truly compatible with. Use the time for personal growth and you'll also have a lot more to offer a girl that you meet in college.

Yeah, whatever buddy. I pity the girl who ends up in your "nice car.

Hey Baron,You are obviously just toying with me, seeing as you have not mentioned which edition you are playing. It would be pretty tough for me to tell you which spells you are going to need on such a dangerous journey (lol cast Magic Missile lol) without knowing with what rules you are playing. I mean, 2nd edition stuff differs greatly from 3rd edition stuff, as I am sure you are aware. I also don't know what sort of stuff (eg. shenanigans spellwise) your DM allows, so if I were to tell you the names and components of some spells that a novice wizard might employ on such a quest I might find myself laughed out of the local tavern. I am sure that if your DM is at all competent he will assist you in planning for this trip and he will tell you what items you will need to take along on your journey. If you are a wizard you will at least want to make sure that you have some sort of cleric traveling with you in your parts, and a warrior of sorts would not be a bad idea, either, for protection and stuff.Additionally, get another hobby besides pen and paper RPG's, you dork. I am not going to spend a lot of time trying to answer your dumb RPG question because if you are sufficiently nerdy you will be able to answer this junk for yourself instead of dragging me into your pocket protector nightmare. Perhaps your geek-friends will be able to tell you what magical store to look in in order to find a "bag of holding" so that you can look inside and hopefully meet your none-too-soon doom.

I'd better have my saving throws ready for when this guy comes to my house with his blade of killing.

Ok doke, folks, that's all for this time around. If you would like me to try and answer your questions for you because you are completely inept and can't do things for yourself, please send email to askemily@somethingawful.com and I'll see what I can do. In the mean time, good luck, have fun, and be sure to thoroughly chew your food.

– Emily "Ask Emily" Reigel