Reader Mail

Subject: you

this is a message from me to you telling you how big of a faggot you really are. At first i thought your article (How to Properly Enjoy World of Warcraft) was funny but then as i read on I figured that I would like to shit on your face. No joke. I'd hold your mouth open with safety pins.

I get a lot of these, so I thought I would address them all at once. Guys, you simply cannot hold someone’s mouth open with safety pins. Even if they were the novelty Adult-Sized ones you see at Halloween, it isn’t going to happen. Sure, it would hurt a lot, and I’m sure while I was struggling with the large needles embedded thru my cheeks into my upper lip you could manage to get a good deal of shit on me.

Unless my hands were somehow bound, preventing me from guarding my slightly torn open face, only trace amounts of human dander will grace my pallet. Now, if you are really set on placing your feces into my oral cavity, I would suggest you go the route of the few orthodontists that have special tools, made specifically for shitting in my mouth.

And even then, I would rather you didn’t. It smells dreadful.

Mouthing Off,
Blue

Subject: EXPANSION PACK

I've been wondering recently about the cost of the upcoming "expansion pack" to world of warcraft. Having only played the game once during the open beta I do not care much for it, but I do have a bone to pick for those who do play the game. Why is it that Blizzard will be charging an estimated $40 for an expansion pack to a game that players already have to pay $15/month to play? Where does the monthly fee apply? Is it just for server maintenence and minor patches or perhaps it helps to pay extra to the top Blizzard and Vivendi execs?

I have fired off multitudes of emails to Blizzard in the past regarding different issues (both technical and ethical) and have never received anything more than an automated response that says that my email is being processed. Thus I have given up on contacting them, and hope to raise this issue on somethingawful instead. Perhaps a decently sized media outlike such as yours would be better able to mediate this.

Thank you for reading, Rocky Mannava

Tenderest Rocky,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us for information regarding the “expansion pack”. We respect and understand your stand on the proper allocation of finances within Blizzard, since you are a paying customer. Unfortunately, we are not going to be able to assist you with your request because you are no longer, as of this very moment, a paying customer. The reason for this is we feel, due to the previous messages sent by this email account, and that company policy dictates our responses be ridiculous, as well as emotionally unavailable, an Account Closure is warranted in this situation. I am sorry we could not give you the answer you wanted to hear and want to thank you for taking the time to contact us on this matter.

Eat A Speeding Bus,
Blue

Subject: Warcraft Article Fun.

The first is exploiting the idea of 'RP Servers', by roleplaying the most outlandish characters, as Blizzard doesn't seem to condemn ANYTHING on these servers, as long as it's in character. The first thing that popped into my head was to jump onto an RP server, and roleplay a guild full of over-the-top black stereotypes, and hang around the lowbie areas acting out ridiculous racial stereotypes like muggings, rap-offs, the theft of televisions.

As far as Blizzard tolerating it, their Roleplaying rules seem to allow it.even have a big, bald, angry black guy in a skirt, called 'Blackadin'. The character was originaly called 'Blackpaladin', but had it's name changed because it was "a phrase condensed into a single word". Blizzard didn't at all seem to mind the fact that someone had levelled the character all the way to 60, for the sake of a funny visual joke, and they haven't said anything since the name changed to be even more of a joke.

Tyma, Alliance on Ner'Zhul

Tyma To Do'a My Last Email'a,

You say this as if Blizzard needs more white people in-game pretending to be unfunny, annoying black caricatures on Role Playing servers. That’s what Trolls are for.

Boy, wasn't that fun! We learned a lot about life and love today, and a little about ourselves too. Don't believe me? Well don't go spoutin off to good ole Abraham about it, I reckon he'd box your ears in! Just look at the way them anteaters walk all peculiar; Abe musta been up to no good. I reckon that boy ain't right like them doctors said he was.

– Caylen "Abraham" Burroughs