Deadly Towers

"Are those cape wearing monkeys shooting fireballs from their mouths?" Yes!Game Plot: There is no game plot. As far as I could tell, you are supposed to be a really geeky knight who, because no one has any missions for you, wanders around aimlessly for hours through square rooms fighting indescribable enemies. Where did these dungeons and enemies come from? I'm guessing some evil magician created them, because there is no other obvious reason for them being there. Due to the fact that there are no speaking humans or animals to talk to, you never really find a reason for playing this game or a desire to even finish it. A storyline that told you what you were supposed to be doing would have been helpful, or maybe even a character that said, "You need to go here and do this." You get nothing, you just walk and walk and walk and walk and walk.

Weapons: You would expect even the worst knight to come prepared to battle, with maybe a long sword and shield and some mystical healing items. Instead, Price Dork comes equipped with... umm... a throwing knife (which you throw very slowly). That is the ONLY item that you start off with, you don't even have a shield or anything to heal yourself with. As you progress through the first "tower" you are attacked by many enemies, and during one of these attacks an enemy may bump you into the center of a room. When this happens you will inadvertently be brought to one of the magic redheaded wizard's hidden shops. 

In this shop there are 3 items: a bowl of red goo, a glove, and a little brown ball. If you purchase the glove, go into the menu, and "use" it, you will at first think nothing happened, but after you throw one of your knives you will notice that they are traveling at twice the speed! If you are lucky you will accidentally find two other item places, both owned by the same redheaded wizard. Most of the shops had the red bowls of goo, which heals your character by about 60 points. One of them has a shield, and you will notice that it doesn't ever show up if you decide to equip it. You can also buy a brown ball (which is called a "red crystal"), but it doesn't seem to do anything. I think the redheaded wizard is a con artist!

Enemies: This game contains some of the most, dare I say, original enemies you will ever see. Everything from giant bouncy balls to miniature dragon fairies will be encountered in your journeys! If you manage to play for more than five minutes, you will begin to notice a pattern: every big enemy shoots giant fireball things! This is probably because if they didn't shoot fireballs at you, you could easily maneuver yourself around them. But because they only shoot the fireballs once or twice every ten seconds, Broderbund decided to make the enemies move at about three times your speed, in an attempt to make it so that you could not walk around them. I still found it fairly easy to do so. One of the most interesting enemies you are likely to encounter is the cape wearing bear-thing. Yes, he shoots fireballs and runs back and forth across the room for no obvious reason. Some of the other enemies you will encounter are bats, oversized ladybugs, caped tigers, knights, evil monkeys, blue blob things, cavemen, and living fire (which moves with great speed). You will also notice that these creatures usually travel in groups of four and respawn after you leave the room they were in, which keeps the game "interesting."

I show my appreciation for the red headed wizard's useless items by giving him butt sex!Number of Levels: I am sure that in some point in time, the idea of creating dungeons (towers?) which consisted of hundreds of similar rooms was considered a good idea. The truth is, when you combine this with the fact that there are no missions for you to complete, you begin to get an empty feeling inside. You will begin to ask yourself, "Why in the world am I even trying to play this?" and then you will close your emulator and say, "What a stupid game!" I do not know how many levels this game consisted of, I couldn't escape the first dungeon / tower / large mall. I spent three hours walking through what must have been close to a hundred different rooms. I didn't even know if I was supposed to be where I was, because as I started walking my screen got covered with some kind of grass stuff. So I was wandering without really knowing where I was going or where I had been. I ended up in some dungeon numerous times, so I am assuming that was where I was supposed to be.

Number of Bosses: Due to the above mentioned facts, I have no clue. I can only imagine that the end guys to this game moved really fast and shot giant fireballs!

Defining Moment: Upon running into the next room (to avoid getting killed by four giant snakes), I found that the next room contained a lump of fire right in front of the entrance, so I was automatically pushed by the fire back into the lair of the killer snakes. After I fell back into the killer snake of death room, I instantly died because the snakes started shooting stupid fireballs! Haha, I lose! This doesn't only occur with snakes though, this happens with a whole variety of enemies. 

If you feel like experiencing the joy of playing "Deadly Towers" in real life, I suggest you purchase a fifteen acre lot. Have a company clear it out, and then hire a contractor to construct a building which consists of four hundred identical rooms with multiple entrances and exits for each. Then purchase a myriad amount of bears and tigers and dress them up in capes. While you are at it, create some living fireballs and then head over to Pee Wee Herman's house and steal his giant rubberband ball. Place the bears and snakes in different groups of four all throughout the house. Have Pee Wee Herman make about fifty more giant rubberband balls, and then place them in mixed amounts all over the place. Shove some living fire into every third room and find some redheaded wizards to place in the house's hidden basements (make sure to give them useless items to sell). Finally, enter the stupid house and have your friends cement shut the the exit so you can never leave this dungeon of Hell. Have fun!

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Hannya (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)