Video Game Article - 04/22/06

How Game Reviewers Are Emphasizing "Innovation" Over Fun Gameplay - And Hurting Video Games As A Whole

by Japanese RPG Love Interest

I think we're a lot alike. It makes me wonder if... nevermind.

What I'm trying to say is... *blush* Oh, it's nothing.

You're so brave in the face of all this danger. Sometimes I wish... no, sorry. It can wait until this boss battle is over.

You have a very kind soul. I can tell because... nevermind.

I don't think I could make it through all of these fights against sentient plants if it weren't for you. Sometimes I think we... nevermind.

"Feelings" are something people feel. If this is all a dream then I want to wake up with... nevermind.

How would you feel if we were more than frien... no, it's nothing.

We finally defeated the evil that that has plagued our world! Now we can be together forever, because we've gotten to know each other so well through our conversations.

Updated Xbox 360 CPU Next Year - Console's Specs To Be "Seriously Finalized, We Mean It This Time" By 2009

Beginning in 2007 the Xbox 360 will ship with a new cpu that outputs significantly less heat, which will come as a great relief to gamers who prefer to play with their faces pressed against the exposed circuitry of the system. It may seem odd for a new console to undergo such a major revision, but Microsoft has been a pioneer in bringing patches to console games and this as an exciting extension of that philosophy. Next year it's a new cpu, the following it's an integrated HD-DVD drive, the next it's a leather saddle. The future is limitless and also uncertain!

Tetris World Record Set, You Can All Just Give Up Now

It is the very nature of people who enjoy video games to be competitive, whether it comes to high scores or proving dominance in a multiplayer first person shooter. Now, however, all competition between those of you hoping to master the classic puzzle game Tetris has officially come to an end.

While playing Tetris DS in my home at approximately 8:32pm on Friday night (shut up) I broke through the legendary Level 2 difficulty, reaching an astronomical score of 2,217 points. This is commonly accepted as the highest score a human being can possibly achieve under the current game mechanics and scoring algorithms, making me the greatest Tetris player in the world. At best you can only hope to tie my score, and since I came first the years of training required to play on my level will effectively be wasted.

Thank you all for playing, but the party's over.

EVE Online Client Version: 2.10.3900

- New piece of equipment introduced: Reinforced Windshield Ionizer. This handy device removes all bugs from your ship's windshield, but permanently drains your power supply.

- Asteroid belts are no longer pilotable.

- When more than one person attempts to use a jumpgate at once, both ships will now comically squeeze against one another and get stuck. This provides some much-needed comedic relief to the dreary atmosphere of the game.

- Installation has been greatly simplified. Previously, players had to format their computers, insert the installation disc, enter a hidden code in the manual only accessible at midnight, install Windows through the game's installer, enter the cd-key four times in a row, connect to the internet to download the latest patch twice in case there was an error in the first download, then provide their social security number and blow into a breathalyzer. Now, instead of entering the cd-key four times in a row users must only enter it three times.

- Reduced the number of encounters with cavemen.

- Motherships now render at their intended massive size, leaving the player's camera helplessly clipped inside of the model no matter how far he or she zooms out.

- The "scream" function built into all ships has been removed, as no one could hear it.

- Cloaking no longer turns off your monitor.

- The time it takes to research a skill is no longer determined by your stats, but by a DDR-like musical mini game featuring Deltron 3030.

- Mana now regenerates 30% faster when out of combat.

- Players are no longer able to "swim" through space at warp speed by ejecting from their spacecraft, then from their pods while holding down the spacebar. On a related note, all players must be inside a ship before departing from a space station.

Dreamfall: The Longest Journey
This is by far the best sci-fi adventure game with a female lead since Final Fantasy X. 8/10

Battlefield 2: Modern Combat
War is "Hello, I've played a better version of you before on my computer but at least you're not The Outfit." 7/10

Final Fantasy XI
Since FFXI is a subpar mmorpg that's now three years old, it should go over really well with Squaresoft's target audience of freaks who still obsess over a subpar rpg released nine years ago. 5/10

Classified: The Sentinel Crisis
This shooter pulls off a miracle by combining the worst elements of every other fps into a gloriously forgettable and thankfully short-lived experience. 3/10

King Of Fighters Neowave
If you love punching and kicking, you will love this game since you'll beat yourself up for spending your money on mediocre tripe. 6/10

Samurai Champloo: Sidetracked
By far the most stylish beat-em-up with a male lead since Final Fantasy X-2. 7/10

Monster Rancher EVO
Removing a majority of the working mechanics in a wholly uninteresting series and shoehorning the remains into a generic rpg sounded like such a great idea, I have no idea why it didn't work out! 5/10

Odama
When your game completely fails to live up to everyone's expectations, ramp up the difficulty and no one will be the wiser! 4/10

Major League Baseball 2K6
If I wanted to be this bored, I'd watch baseball on tv or play Final Fantasy VIII. 5/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)