Stupid Products for Stupid People

Ely Whitney once said, "get your stinkin' paws off me you damn dirty ape!" But more importantly he invented the cotton gin for the first time and before anybody else. Since then, there haven't been many inventions. Naturally, this has caused a great deal of stagnation in terms of product development. That's why I asked my friends (all of whom hate me) at the Something Awful Forums to create a vast array of new products to make up for this horrifying gap. When I made this request, I accidentally included the word "stupid" twice. This unfortunately resulted in all the products being somewhat impractical. But nonetheless, the show must go on! Please enjoy their contributions, some of which just might end up in your home, assuming your doors and windows aren't secured properly of course.