Annual Festival Safety Report (Pakistan is Just the Dumbest Country)

There is no way to say this that could make it any more bizarre than it already is: A recent kite festival in Pakistan resulted in 11 deaths and over 100 injuries. The reality of this matter goes way beyond my comic imagination, so here's an extensive quote from a news article:

"At least 11 people have died and more than 100 injured at an annual kite flying festival in eastern Pakistan…. The deaths and injuries were caused by stray bullets, sharpened kite-strings, electrocution and people falling off rooftops

The festival is regularly marred by casualties caused by sharp kite strings or celebratory gunshots fired into the air…Kite flyers often use strings made of wire or coated with ground glass to try to cross and cut a rival's string or damage the other kite, often after betting on the outcome…. He also said that a 16-year-old girl and a school boy, 12, died after their throats were slashed by metal kite strings in separate incidents.

A 13-year-old boy fell to his death from the roof of his home as he tried to catch a stray kite, and a 35-year-old woman fell off the roof of her home trying to stop her son from running after a stray kite."

I have performed an exhaustive investigation into the cause of this incident, and have discovered that Pakistan is fucking stupid. Of course, if you think this was bad, you should see their Butterfly Catching Festival. Ironically, the Pakistan Live Ammunition Celebration was deemed the safest festival in the nation's history.

All jokes about how completely and utterly devoid of intelligence the entire nation of Pakistan apparently is aside, festivals are often deadly. And. in spite of certain events getting major media attention, like the 1923 Pickle and Razor Blade Festival of Akron, Ohio, many festivals gone wrong slip right under the public eye. Which is why, every year, crack researchers at SomethingAwful Inc. organize an exhaustive list of festivals, fairs and other events...gone wrong. Here is this year's incidents:

• All contestants injured, possibly killed, during the 2007 Chinese Moon Breathing Contest.

• Tragedy struck at the site of India's first Cobra Handling and Balloon Popping Exposition.

• North Korean officials announce that next year's Jump Rope Competition will be much improved by the addition of jump roping instead of the usual torture/executions.

• In related news, officials of Japan's annual Base Jumping Festival assure the public that next year's events will include parachutes.

• 23 corpses destroyed at the Michigan Exploding Corpse Festival.

• To promote safety, officials are encouraging the use of sunscreen at this year's Fire Guns While Blindfolded and Dizzy Fun Fair.

• Riots broke out in Central Park last week as two rival pun appreciation societies battled over the location of their annual Picnic In The Pun-ark. One man said the police were "sure gonna read us the riot act" before he was savagely beaten with a two foot iron pipe.

• Tragedy was averted in Jacksonville, Florida, when the locations for the Anorexia Convention and The Sara Lee Poisoned Food Taste Test were accidentally switched.

• The Kansas Sackrace Competition has announced changes in its award system: All losers get kicked in the balls twice. The Grand Prize winner only gets kicked in the balls once.

• Authorities pleased over lack of attendence at this year's Toyota Murder / Suicide Challenge.

• 47 killed during Wicker County's annual Children of the Corn Festival.