The Great Energy Drink Review Roundup 2008!

This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.

Hey America, wake up! It's 2008; time to feel great! As our suicidal, neo-capitalistic empire of dollar-driven zombies shuffles one step closer to extinction, we desperately scramble for any possible source of energy to improve efficiency, concentration, and productivity. Well, you know, short of exercising. Or changing our diets. Or doing anything that inconveniences us in any way. This burning desire to win at all costs (assuming "all costs" are under $3.00 per 16 ounces) has led to mankind's greatest invention: the energy drink.

Despite my previous energy drink reviews and prayers, companies continue brewing up these appalling monstrosities, promising inhuman levels of mental prowess in each eight-ounce shot of caustic carbonated chemicals. Let's kick off 2008 by reviewing yet another lineup of "get retch quick" candidates! Whoop whoop, here come da energy!

Welcome to the bar from hell!

SYZMO (8 oz)

Description: SYZMO differentiates themselves from most other energy drinks by claiming to be "organic," a tremendously important quality to consider when choosing an energy drink. Unfortunately, nobody besides a couple crusty USDA lab jockeys knows what "organic" means in relation to energy drinks. Is it made out of organs? Does it mean somebody scooped this crap out of a bubbling dirt crater, like in the smash Hollywood hit "The Stuff?" Society may never know, and society may never care; the act of buying organic serves only one purpose, and that is to trick your body into believing you actually give a shit about it. My various orifices can personally produce about five different "organic" substances, but trust me, nobody in their right mind should drink them.

So what makes SYZMO such an enchanting, healthy nightmare? The drink describes itself as "ORGANIC ENERGY DRINK SWEETENED WITH ORGANIC BLUE AGAVE," a very long and very capitalized way of writing "TASTES LIKE A PINE TREE." Imagine drinking eight ounces of cheap gin, only without alcohol's various health benefits. Although SYZMO doesn't taste outright offensive, I hesitate to rate it anywhere above semi-nauseous. I would suggest the vile flavor and "organic" selling point target the California Mac users demographic, but SYZMO's graphic design definitely rules that out. The can looks like somebody tried to enter a bath mat in a NASCAR competition.

Energy Composition: 1000%(!) Vitamin B16, 100% Biotin. Also contains "Coenyzme Q10," a very popular Japanese secret agent. SYZMO supplies only 1% of the daily recommended Folate dosage, so you'll have to search elsewhere if you're itching for a Folate fix. Folate is the chemical which prevents thousands of baby scorpions from growing in your balls.

Rating: 5 / 10

Blue Energy (8 oz)

Description: Another healthy surprise arrives in the form of this "Natural Energy Drink," containing such clean, natural, organic ingredients as "Sodium Chloride" and "Pyridoxine HCl." Them's fancy scientist words for "salt" and "vitamin B-6," which don't sound nearly as natural or blue. According to the internet, vitamin B-6 "works together with vitamins A, C, and E in dissolving rancid fat deposits." If the Blue Energy board of directors ever hires me to lead their advertising department, I'll suggest playing up on this fact. Maybe they could adopt a catchy slogan emphasizing this, such as "Blue Energy - the number one choice for dissolving rancid fat deposits." We could appeal to the hip, urban demographic by modifying it to "Blue Energy - fuck yo rancid fat deposits, nigga."

While the drink may contain some form of energy (kinetic maybe?), the color resembles olive oil more than any shade of blue. Blue Energy tastes quite non-offensive, almost like a clear / pineapple Life Saver. I'm not sure why they chose to label the can as "WILD BERRY FLAVOR," unless their test group has never been exposed to a berry their entire miserable lives. A cheerful warning label suggests to "LIMIT 4 CANS PER DAY," perhaps due to the inherent extreme health benefits (100% vitamin C, Riboflavin, Niacin, B6, and B12). Drinking five cans would instantly cause you to be declared the "Healthiest Man in the Universe," and that would trigger global riots of pure jealousy.

Since this drink doesn't taste like carbonated death, I unfortunately have to assume it's not packed with as much incredible energy inherent to competing non-natural energy drinks created in vats by evil computers. The saucy drawing of lightning draped across the can made me feel as if I was drinking from a 1982 Bruce Lee bootleg DVD.

Energy Composition: 1000mg Taurine, 200mg Panax Ginseng. Blue Energy does not specify how much caffeine it contains, but does list 2200mg of "Energy Blend," on par with the average chemical composition of lightning.

Rating: 9 / 10