An Awful Christmas

Christmas Pete and his mighty ukelele are going to teach us the true meaning of Christmas. I hope this doesn't take more than 15 minutes because I have shit to do.Christmas time is here and it is once again time for everyone to pull some Christmas cheer out of their ass and try to survive yet another holiday. The Christmas season, which starts around August of every year, has always been an enigma to me. No matter how bad the last one was people will still attempt to make the next holiday an event that doesn't look like an episode of Jerry Springer. I mean, if you do something and it's a terrible experience, why would you do it again? If I go skydiving for the first time and my parachute doesn't open I doubt I will jump back into the plane in six months when my bones heal and take the plunge all over again. But no matter how bad Christmas 1979 to 2003 were, Christmas 2004 is surely going to be grand! I've got a good feeling about this one. Never mind that last year the Douglas Fir fell out the back of the Camry on the way back from the tree lot. Uncle Phil got drunk on eggnog at the family Christmas gathering and felt up your wife while she bent over to grab the goose out of the oven. Cousin Jose hung himself and wasn't found for six days. The malls were being mobbed by shoppers too stupid to do their Christmas shopping in July when the damn place is near empty. Sadly, you were one of them. Commercialism was out in full force and showed everybody the true meaning of Christmas and incredible deals on brand name merchandise you can't live without. The lights fell off the roof, the lawn decorations were destroyed by vandals, and the ham was burnt. Relatives you have never even seen before messed up your collection of Mr. Belevedere VHS tapes organized by first date of airing. The pedophile dressed up at the mall as Santa Clause and the expensive shit you buy for stupid relatives you've never heard of that puts you 30 thousand dollars into debt. But none of that is going to happen this year! This is going to be the best Christmas ever and we are all going to learn the true meaning of Jesus or else I'm going to fucking murder somebody!

For those of us who are sick of the whole Christmas sideshow circus that rolls into town each and every year, apathy is a common strategy. We try to ignore it the best we can, wait it out, and hope we come out alive. I am really tired of Christmas. I don't actively celebrate Christmas in whatever mutated form it has taken these days. I don't buy gifts for every obscure person I know, only a select few close friends. I don't expect any gifts in return. I buy a pine tree only because I enjoy the smell. I don't put up decorations or give out candy to trick or treaters on Christmas day. I don't go Christmas shopping. The girlfriend does all that crap and I sit on my ass and watch cartoons. After so many years of dysfunctional family Christmas seasons I have vowed to never celebrate another Christmas again. I don't see why someone has to participate in something just because everybody else thinks they have to. It's great if you love Christmas and enjoy participating in holiday festivities, but don't tell me there aren't people out there who would just rather chuck their ungrateful family and the holidays into a river somewhere and go bang whores in Las Vegas. For every one person that enjoys a merry Christmas there has to be another out there who is enjoying depression, anger, and frustration come December 25th.

Most of the time the root of all holiday disasters is the family. Contrary to popular belief, blood is not thicker than water. There are simply some people out there who should not be in the same room as one another. But because they share the same last name they force themselves to go to these meetings of doom where awkwardness, false camaraderie, and sometimes loud outbursts and arguments rule the night. These are people who you wouldn't give the time of day to were they not a part of your family. But because some other bozo has the same last name as me I'm expected to go talk to them and fake a few laughs here and there for four hours before I can go home and take a shit and jerk off and go to sleep. It's not going to happen.

The worst part of Christmas has to be the Christmas letters addressed to Santa Clause that are written by millions of children each year and sent to a landfill in Alaska. In theory I guess it's a nice idea. Give kids something to believe in. But we all know what's going on here. It's fake. It's all a big fairy tale. What happens when Santa doesn't reply? Sure, in most instances mom and dad are there to play Santa. What really gets me though are the countless number of unanswered letters from the truly needy that make it into the hundreds of special interest stories that are printed each year.

Tramon of Bessemer wrote, "Dear Santa, I love you. I know I haven't been good, but I do get good grades. I want my mom to have a car so she can take us to the doctor. And a new house so when it rains, our beds don't get wet. And my Dad to be off drugs."

First of all, who the fuck is opening up children's letters to Santa Clause so some faggot newspaper reporter who is stuck in the special interest section can write some shitty article about letters to Santa? Tramon is going to pick up The Birmingham News and read his letter and think, "What the shit? I sent this to Santa. Who the fuck stole my mail?!" Please email Carol Robinson and kindly ask her to stop stealing the mail that she uses to write her dumb articles. Because of her Tramon's mom isn't going to get a car and he'll die of brain cancer.

I hope you enjoy your present kid, 'cause it ain't gonna last for much longer.If Carol the mail thief wasn't bad enough, it's the whole idea that writing to some imaginary character will make everything all right that irks me. We are setting these kids up for disapointment. We are teaching them that if you are good and behave yourself you will get something in return. I have news for you. That is the opposite of how real life works. You should behave yourself because it's the right thing to do, not because you are going to get a PlayStation 2 out of it. And if you don't get anything in return I guess it's okay if you stop being good and knock off a convienence store. After all, Santa screwed you out of toys. Society fucking owes me. And if I don't get what I want everybody is going down with me. This sense of entitlement where people believe that just because they exist they should win an award for it pisses me off. And it all starts with the letters to Santa Clause. Hey, I'm right here! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE! Tramon's dad is on drugs because his mother chose to be inseminated by a man with no aspirations or dreams in life. No amount of letter writing will change that. Some of these damn kids never had a chance to begin with, and it breaks my heart.

I want to write a special interest story about letters to Santa Clause too. It doesn't take much effort and I can be back watching Law and Order while scratching my balls and fantasizing about Elizabeth Rhom in about 15 minutes. Taking a page from the Big Book of Carol Robinson I decided to go down to the Something Awful mail room and steal some letters. What kind of letters you ask? Why, the letters that the staff here at Something Awful wrote to Santa this year. The first letter is from Tom "Moof" Davies, who wanted a little bit of everything this holiday.

DEAR SANTA,

THIS YEAR I WANT A PONY AND A POWER WHEEL AND A BUNNY RABBIT. OH AND I WANT A BIKE AND A MICROWAVE AND POP TARTS. I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD THIS YEAR AND ATE ALL OF MY BROCCOLI. OH AND I WANT A PUPPY AND SUNSHINE AND A 401K. I LOVE YOU SANTA PLEASE DON'T FORGET MY HOUSE THIS YEAR LIKE I WAS SOME UNGRATEFUL JEWISH KID. OKAY SANTA I LOVE YOU BYE BYE

LOVE,
MF

P.S. AND I WANT A G.I. JOE

What a cute kid! Moof I hope you get everything that's coming to you and more. The next letter is from Josh "Livestock" Boruff. This one really tugs at the heartstrings.

Dear Santa,

I know I have not been on my best behavior this year, but that's because life has been pretty hard. My mom is a stripper and only feeds us canola oil. My little brother is so fat and he shits all over the house. My dad drinks a lot and hits me and my fat brother constantly. My kitty is dead and partially decomposed. Santa, please help me. Call social services now. I can't because my mom hasn't paid the phone bill in two years. Oh god daddy is coming. Santa please help. Please, I beg of you. Santa! Help m

I hope Santa sends that good little boy a train set. He deserves it. Oh and give me the Journalist of the Year Award while you're at it. These letters don't tug at the heartstrings for nothing you know! Next up we have Lowtax who didn't ask for anything but peace of mind this year.

Order of Protection

STATE OF MISSOURI

CASE NO. 55504-0492-09321

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka,
Petitioner
vs.
Santa Clause,
Respondent

FINDINGS

This matter having been heard by the Court on 12/25/03 pursuant to Missouri Code 34-26-5-10, the Court now makes the following Findings:

a. Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka filed a timely Request for Hearing pursuant to Missouri Code 34-26-5-10(a); and,
b. The Court is required to hold a hearing pursuant to Missouri Code 34-26-5-10(b).
c. The Petitioner was present at the hearing and the Respondent was not present.
d. The Respondent had notice and an opportunity to be heard.
e. The Petitioner has shown, by a preponderance of the evidence, that domestic or family violence has occurred sufficient to justify the issuance of this Order.
f. The Respondent has failed to show good cause why this Order for Protection should not be issued.
g. The Respondent does not agree to the issuance of the Order for Protection.
h. The Respondent represents a credible threat to the safety of the Petitioner or a member of the Petitioner’s household.
i. The following relief is necessary to bring about a cessation of the violence or the threat of violence.

ORDER

1. The Respondent is hereby enjoined from threatening to commit or committing acts of domestic or family violence against the Petitioner.
2. The Respondent is prohibited from harassing, annoying, telephoning, contacting, or directly or indirectly communicating with the Petitioner.
3. The Respondent shall be removed and excluded from the Petitioner’s residence.
4. The Respondent is ordered to stay away from the residence, school, and/or place of employment of the Petitioner.

VIOLATION OF THIS ORDER IS PUNISHABLE BY CONFINEMENT IN JAIL, PRISON, AND/OR A FINE.
IF SO ORDERED BY THE COURT, THE RESPONDENT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER OR STAY AT THE PETITIONER’S RESIDENCE, EVEN IF INVITED TO DO SO BY THE PETITIONER OR ANY OTHER PERSON. IN NO EVENT IS THE ORDER FOR PROTECTION VOIDED.
INTERSTATE VIOLATION OF THIS ORDER MAY SUBJECT THE RESPONDENT TO FEDERAL CRIMINAL PENALTIES UNDER 18 U.S.C. 2261 AND 18 U.S.C. 2262.

So very touching... Next up to bat, number 34, Frolixo "Pasty White Guy" Ried!

Hey Santa honey,

I can't wait to see you again baby. Last year was out of this world. I can't wait for you to come down my chimney and my throat this year. I'm going to fuck your ass so hard Santa. Then I want you to flip me over and shit in my mouth then kiss me long and hard. Whenever I think about you precum forms at the tip of my penis. I'm licking it off right now. Soon you will be able to do that for me. I'm scratching my balls. I stopped biting my finger nails so I need something for my fingers to do and if you were here right now you would benefit from that oh so much. I love you, *mUaH*

Sexily Yours,
Frolixo

Oh boy. Maybe I shouldn't have printed that letter. But hey, the cat's already out of the bag and the delete key broke on my keyboard. Finally, in the spirit of fairness I have printed my letter here.

dEaR sAnTa,

WUSSUP homegurl!!! i jus got bak frum a bumpin party in da oc sup wit u gurl?!?! so i got my naaaaailz did yesterday... according to nick my nailz r *HOT** so wuh nowwww!
urg so i have a head ache again.. a week strait now... sumthinz wrong wit me! i get em every afternoon n i get dizzy as al hell i feel sick to my stomach. THIZ SUX!
we had to write an essay in selz class 2day on wildfires... yes real fukkin exciting. HOWEVER! pastors lawn caught fire the other night... AND NO it isn't my fault that hiz lawn iz all dead... over the summer i wuz ONLY support to water the FLOWERS!
newaryz sum1 thru a fire cracker on it n since itz so dead from not gettin watered over da summer....still not my fualt..it caught fire! VERY exciting! so now he haz thiz big black burn mark... ON HIZ LAWN! itz fuckin gr8! i have SUM sumpathy tho... im sorry u yard lookz like more shit then it already did...u not only kileld it..bug shit..u creameamted it too!
VERY bored at thiz point.. i found out 2day i have 7 absenses for both gym and health which MEANZ i ONLY have 2 for the REST fo the year..FUCK! lol
well im listinin to sum drpessin italian music az i listen to tha planz of yet another party thiz weekend..ppl this MIGHT juz work out lol ***PARTY JUMPZ*** lol

Love,
~*sPoKKeR JoNeZ*~

No matter how much Christmas loses its meaning over the years you can count on Something Awful to remind you what the holidays are all about. Everybody have a safe and merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Or else.

– Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez