Back to Metal Hell!

Once a month, No Music Discussion overseer het and I scour recent releases and our vast crap archives to present the worst examples of our favorite genre, metal. Also, we recruit someone who knows a lot about music in general but not metal specifically (this time, regular contributor Daryl "Fucking" Hall) to join the discussion, in hopes of securing the outsiders' perspective. That's probably all that needs to be said by way of introduction, especially when Metal Hell's awesome logo (designed by Ali "Rain Temple" Horn) is just waiting to be displayed.

Stiny Plamenu, "Zurivy Monolog Syna Poklopu"

Garbage Day: "Lyrical Themes: Sewers, Anti-Christianity." Are they actually performing in a sewer?

het: It's hard to tell, but they're in some dank room lit by candles, so maybe.

GD: A good twist would be if Stiny Plamenu went in the sewer and encountered a giant rat and an alligator and Ninja Turtles and a CHUD, and then all those things got scared and ran away. Or maybe if they just bumped into DAS EFX.

het: Cziggity Czech yourself.

het: You know, the great thing about Czech is that the language even looks angry. Like they came up with the hacek solely so they could give letters angry eyebrows. GRRR THIS R IS MAD AT YOU!

het: I like the part a minute in where he's playing the bridge and he's looking really intently at the fretboard like "This is your shot, Lord Morbivod, don't screw it up! Mom's in the audience tonight, make her proud!" I also like at 1:30 where he's fingering a chord that looks like he's flipping someone off. FUCK YOU JESUS CHRIST, WITH YOUR JUDEO-CHRISTIAN ABANDONMENT OF SEWER-DWELLING CREATURES!

GD: I wondered if "Syna Poklopu" was a real person or what, so I looked it up and found this video on "NarTube," maybe this is her.

het: This girl is decidedly less grim than Stiny Plamenu led me to believe.

GD: Lost in translation.

het: Maybe they're saying "Teehee, and then we sacrifice the children to our dark lord! *giggle*"

GD: I think this song was actually just the jingle for Stiny Plamenu's Czech plumbing business: "Got some problems with your drain?/Just place a call to Shadows of Flame."

Lucifugum, "Na Smertj"

het: What does Lucifugum even mean? I'm divided between "phlegm generated when blaspheming" and "a minty fresh taste sensation from the underworld."

GD: This guy's teeth aren't right. Apparently Lucifugum isn't sugar-free.

het: 9 out of 10 dentists recommend against listening to Lucifugum.

GD: Lots of meat, lots of fire -- "Grillin' with Lucifugum."

het: I think they battled Bobby Flay on Iron Chef one time. Lucky for them, the ingredient was pigs' heads.

GD: Man, this just goes on like this. And people think Christian church services are overlong and tedious.

het: Yeah, this guy's kids are texting behind the camera, just going "is it time for black communion yet???"

GD: Giant spikes sticking out of the pages of that Braille Bible. Clearly the Book of Eli has fallen into the wrong hands.

het: Maybe it's a cookbook. I guess the recipe he was making said "Hold entrails in your hand for 2 minutes. Serve."

DFH: This guy held up lots of menacing things, but he didn't really do anything menacing with them. "Here's a knife, gonna stab a... rock?" With Lucifugum, it's just one missed opportunity after another. I mean, see, they have a song called "All Mothers Die." They could have written a really terrifying song about someone's mom being killed, but instead they went with a mildly depressing but completely impersonal statement.

GD: Lucifugum certainly didn't go the literal route when making the "All Mothers Die" video. "We're going to need a guy drawing pictures of wolves. And swords, lots of swords." "What about a mother?" "Fine, i guess, but make it brief!"

DFH: Maybe the wolf-drawing guy was sketching storyboards for an entirely different video about wolves, but it just wasn't in the budget.

GD: "Sorry, we spent all our money on meat."

Luna Ad Noctum, "The Last"

GD: "This video will be great, we'll use all these great wipes to transition between things!" "Cool! Between what, though?" "..."

het: "My face, and... uhhh... my face... and fire... then a bass." They literally put the bass in his face.

GD: I bet this director does wedding videos, and he uses the same techniques for them.

DFH: During the vows, he superimposes this singer screeching "I do" into each one.

GD: He crudely colorizes the bride and groom's faces with post-production corpse paint, and he ends all his videos with "til death do us part," said by a laughing skull.