AT
A GLANCE: Out of all
places anybody would want
to play a FPS game, I'd
have to admit that "a
parking garage" is
definitely not on my list,
along with "inside
a cat's rectum", "Sergeant
Hulka's bathroom",
and "Euro Disneyland".
To top it off, this map
looks nothing like a parking
garage, unless if, in some
alternate universe, parking
garages are really just
a bunch of concrete tubes
and 4-inch tall ceilings.
Maybe it's a toy car garage.
Or maybe it's just awful.
 |
|
Looks
like a parking garage
to me.
|
DESCRIPTION:
What an enigma of a text
file.
WILL
IT NEVER END ?????
Ok
my second CTF map and
I really think it rocks
=)
take
a stealthy approach on
this one.
I
cannot answer if "it"
will ever end, nor what
"it" is. I think
he might be referring to
crappy mapmakers' tendency
to release crappy maps which
advocate suicide, but I
have been wrong in the past
(once). I can only assume
that whatever "it"
is, it's not any good and
should be forcibly stopped
as soon as possible. Quick,
everybody start writing
letters to your congressperson,
demanding they stop "it"!
"It's" reign of
terror must end now, or
we shall all be forced to
play maps like this, where
we're forced to run around
in poorly textures tubes
and scream obscenities at
our monitors!
I
won't even address how wrong
the statement "I
really think it rocks"
is. Again, what is "it"?
Nothing in this map comes
close to "rocking",
so I can only assume part
of the text file was cut
off by accident. The only
damn rocking I did while
playing this map is when
I was throwing up all over
the keyboard, rocking from
side to side and trying
to block the image of all
the damn concrete slabs
out of my mind. It didn't
work, and now I am forced
to murder homeless people
so I may silence the voices
in my head.
 |
|
"Prefab
parking here: $5.00
/ hour"
|
THE
MAP: In the alternate
universe of shitty maps,
"parking garage"
means "concrete box".
This map contains about
15 different grey, concrete
textures repeated all over
the place, and the prefab
cars are shoved into the
main room, giving it a real
"parking garage"
motif". I always get
an extra large woody when
I see map authors do something
as creative as using prefab
models that weren't supposed
to be put into maps. It
just reeks of pure genius.
Well, it reeks of something.
Anyway,
just like normal parking
garages, this one has thousands
of feet of piping you have
to run through in order
to get anywhere. Yeah, it's
some kind of crazy, goofy-ass
"sewer system drainage
marathon", where bots
and humans race through
circular apertures to see
which one of them will go
insane and try to eat their
shoes first. The great thing
about this is that no matter
what end of the tube you
end up on, it looks exactly
like where you came from!
I can't explain the pure
joy of racing out of one
real crap room, going into
a tube, and appearing in
nearly the same crap
room! It's about as
exciting as buying lettuce!
From THE STORE!
GAMEPLAY:
Bots scramble all over the
map, get trapped in the
pipes, run circles around
walls, and try to guard
the flag by backing in and
out of the nearby corridor.
I think they can't quite
figure out how the hell
this is supposed to be a
parking garage either...
or how anybody can be cruel
enough to make them play
in "it".
FUN
FACTOR: Seeing the cars
might be fun, especially
if you're amused by shiny
objects or Jean Claude Van
Damme films.
THE
BOTTOM LINE: Game companies
don't put cutscene models
into the game for a reason:
they weren't meant to be
in. Crappy mapmakers put
the cutscene models back
into the game for a reason:
they're stupid and should
be physically injured. Risk
playing this map only if
you have three weeks to
live and want to go out
crying and screaming like
a sissy nancy boy.
-
Cranky
Steve
