Further
commentary on my part
concerning this category
is unnecessary, I trust.
THE
MAP: For all I can
tell, one spawns inside
of a huge box with flashing
button textures for a
wall (a Mittenz trademark)
that is totally filled
with water. I mean completely
-- no air pockets, no
sky, no sewer to weave
your way out, no teleporter
to whisk you to safety
in the nick of time. Just
a huge goddamn box totally
filled with water and
spawn pads floating here
and there; you are going
to drown at some point
no matter how you slice
it. Blocks of lava bob
and weave in the fullbright
haze, and way way waaaay
at the bottom are about
four rocket launchers
sitting on the floor.
Over them hover a half
dozen frozen stiff Crackhor
monsters stuck in a reclining
position. There is no
health, no armor,
no Rebreathers,
no Biosuits, and essentially
there is nothing to do
in the map other than
drown. It is too far to
the bottom to get one
of the rocket launchers
to have it make any difference
even if you are lucky
to find someone dumb enough
to play this map with
you. Many of the spawn
points also seem to be
"trick" spawn
positions that do not
allow you to move off
of them after spawning
(a gimmick I did not know
was featured in Quake2
before playing this map)
and you drown stuck to
them like a wad of chewing
gum.
 |
|
Now
you tell me: am
I just crazy or
does this look like
a 3-D representation
of Chicken McNuggets
with sweet &
sour sauce being
digested?
|
I
will attempt to try and
draw parallels between
this level and one actually
cooked up by a buddy of
mine for Quake 1
called "Hyperventilate"
which takes place entirely
inside of a box filled
with water but with an
"air pocket"
in the middle and an interesting
mix of weapons and armor.
The map works because
it doesn't try to do more
than exploit the terror
of drowning or being shot
while you are drowning
or whatever. What
"Waterword"
does is exploit my terror
of having a Statue of
Liberty figurine slowly
inserted into my rectum
by a huge sweating man
who likes to be called
"Mavis". I can
honestly find nothing
redeeming about this map;
it only made me laugh
for about a minute and
even then not that loudly,
and it takes up way more
digital space than it
should. One of my favorite
insults from history is
when George Bernard Shaw
(or someone like him)
responded to an aspiring
writer pestering him to
read his manuscript that
"... the covers
of your book are too far
apart." That's
kind of how I feel about
this map -- it is too
much of nothing. Less
would have been better.
In fact, nothing at all
would have been just perfect.
GAMEPLAY:
This category has no meaning
when reviewing a Mittenz
game level. One does not
"play" his maps.
You download them, load
them in the game, laugh
at them (or not), and
then delete them.
FUN
FACTOR: C'mon, gimme
a break. Okay, I had fun
writing this review. I
like to write.
THE
BOTTOM LINE: You have
to hand it to Mittenz:
he has made some of the
worst documented Quake
2 levels ever released
onto the Internet, but
at least he HAS made and
released levels. It's
kind of sad when you think
of how many people could
make maps but quit before
making their way thru
their first editing tutorial.
For every one of those
people I bet there is
a Mittenz out there, scheming
and plotting of new ways
to help push our fragile
society into chaos. Make
sure to visit Mittenz's
Map Page for your
own taste of The Eternal
Fire that awaits us all,
and tell him that the
folks at The Haunted Whorehouse
sent you.
-
Squonkamatic
for the People!!
