This hallway is blue. This hallway extends for about seven miles. This hallway throbs with evil.

Now how's that for weapon placement?

This hallway is green. It rivals the blue hallway for the "Most Pointless Waste of Space" award. No wait, actually the entire map should win that award.

This map is so bad, it (of course) could only have been found on Erik's webpage. However, this time one of Erik's buddies stepped in to make the map and dish out the pain, as I assume Erik was out doing something more constructive, like pulling the heads off geese.

DESCRIPTION: No text description. There's evidence the author can spell, as the words "SUCK IT" are proudly displayed in one section of the map, but after playing this crapfest, I have come to the conclusion that the author does not possess a mind great enough to conduct rational thought.

THE MAP: As I mentioned before, this monstrosity was created by one of Erik's acquaintances, who no doubt was put on this Earth with the sole purpose of torturing me. I honestly believe that Erik and his cohorts are minions of the damned, tools of the Devil. Yes, the apocalypse begins with a page on Fortune City and it ends with a terrible cataclysm of colored lighting.

This map chooses to expand on the popular shit-map making theme of "some large rooms connected via a series of hallways the length of major airports" and it does it so well. While walking from one side of the map to the other, I was able to review three other maps and read an entire issue of "Guns And Ammo". However, when I came back, my character had apparently committed suicide by eating a few grenades. I don't blame him, poor little male/grunt.

What the author lacks in skill and map flow, he makes up with sheer size. There are big rooms in this map. Very large rooms. Rooms so huge that it even takes hitscan weapons a good few minutes to hit the opposing wall. I don't know why awful mappers gravitate towards making gigantic rooms in all their maps, unless they maybe have some kind of repeated texture fetish. These enormous rooms each have a distinct personality, ranging from "terribly painful" to "I had no clue what I was doing, please take away my mapping program." Usually there's only one weapon in these areas, which makes the map incredibly strategic. No wait, that's not the word I'm looking for, I meant to say it makes the map look incredibly idiotic. Cranky Steve sometimes gets confused after playing maps this bad, sorry folks.

Some rooms contain ladders with the thickness of Rosie O'Donnel's ankles. These ladders seldomly go anywhere (other than "up"), as there are no items or weapons on the platforms they lead to. I think the author put the ladders in the map just to join the exclusive ranks of "Mappers That Know How to Put Ladders in Their Maps", which now has more members than the state of Texas, many having a high enough IQ to know how to open a bag of charcoal.

So the map is about sucking, yes, that's totally clear. The name of the map is "SUCK IT" and the opening title proudly reads "Get ready to Suck It!" when you load up the map. But no, that's not enough for this author. The crowning touch is truly when you enter the room with "SUCK IT!" created from huge blocks on the wall. Talk about creating an atmosphere! There was so much sucking in this map, I was convinced I would start seeing pictures of Richard Simmons kneeling in front of the author. So I guess in that vein the map succeeds, and with wild colors.

Speaking of colors, this map's got em in spades. Red, green, blue... "Suck It" doesn't doesn't discriminate against humiliating any color of the rainbow. Garish green hallways of eye melting horrors await you inside this experiment in terror. Make sure you run Quake 2 in software mode if you plan on playing this fucker, as the colors will undoubtedly burn a hole through your cerebral cortex. Which could be pleasant compared to deathmatching on this mess.

GAMEPLAY: No. No gameplay. I refuse to subject The Forgetful Lumberjack to this. I may be a son of a bitch, but I'm not that mean. The definition of hell is this map on constant rotation on every game server across the world.

FUN FACTOR: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I was too busy contemplating suicide. What was the question again?

THE BOTTOM LINE: Don't walk, run away from this map as fast as possible. Erik and his goon squad have outdone themselves again. Oh, the horror... the horror..

- Cranky Steve

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).