"My first bridge"

The itching, the swelling, the irritation - don't stay too long in the hemorrhoid room.

This is a map for Quake 2. There are weapons on it. There is a bridge and some trees. Hoo-fucking-ray.

DESCRIPTION: When thinking about "Outside the Complex", many emotions and feelings come to mind, much like the time I sat on a gummy bear at the movie theater. It is hard to accurately describe a deathmatch in this map without using the terms "uninteresting" and "plain." As mentioned above, this map has a tree, some ground, a nice little bridge, and a "complex", which the author apparently uses to describe "a room with three crates." According to the file, this map took "a 2 weeks or so" to complete, which actually makes perfect sense as the author says later on that he used a Cyrix processor based computer to compile it. I can only assume that the actual map took an hour to build and other 13 days were compiling time, as Cyrix processors tend to transmit data via tiny vaccuum tubes.

THE MAP: The map is basically a big square with a center. You can go outside the complex and marvel at the lack of any shading. Or you can go inside the complex and marvel at the lack of shading from there. There are some prefab trees scattered around the map that resemble tall mushrooms. If you're really crafty and sneaky, you can swim below the bridge and go to the super secret red room that has a railgun and a teleporter. The teleporter whisks you away to another magic room that has a quad damage and blue lighting. That's about the end of the dynamic lighting, as you teleport from there back to the bridge again. Oh well, it was an exciting journey while it lasted.

The entire outdoor area is composed of a single repeated texture on flat, boring walls. A few of these walls are at an angle, and the sheer thrill I had when seeing those walls was indescribable. I almost creamed myself.

GAMEPLAY: Well, it's small. That's a good thing, I guess. Since the ground is all flat, plain, and boring, it's easier to fight people. The author apparently came from the old school of thought that dictates "having more than 10 surfaces in one room is unacceptible." Or maybe he wanted to make a map his Cyrix processor could handle, who knows.

This is an ok deathmatch map to tutor other people on Quake 2's commands, or to teach your eight year-old niece to play Quake 2 on. Beyond that, I can't really think of a reason you'd like to play this, except maybe for the really bright trees.

FUN FACTOR: This map could be very fun if you drink about two six-packs before you give it a try. Anything less than that will cause extreme boredom.

THE BOTTOM LINE: If a terrorist holds a gun to your head and demands you download this and play it, I would first ask the terrorist how good his aim was.

- Cranky Steve

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).