AT
A GLANCE: I found this
map on an active Quake
2 net server run by the
"LagClan",
a group of quite competent
players, most of whom use
the same Gumby skin and frequent
one of my favorite DM servers.
One afternoon a member of
the clan joined and invited
us all to come onto their
server and check out one of
his buddy's map, which turned
out to be almost as Cranky
as this one. I bookmarked
their server and looked in
on them from time to time,
and am pleased to report that
they seem committed to running
custom made levels, a different
map every day that runs over
and over again. The funny
part is that ALL of
the maps I have gotten from
them so far are about on the
same level as "Ninja3"
-- a huge, dopey, offhandedly
constructed "arena"
level with some sort of gimmick
or novelty idea distinguishing
each map. In one level the
gimmick is a row of every
Q2 weapon lined up by each
of the spawn points. In another
it was a dizzying mass of
overlapping catwalks, dynamic
colored lighting and a sheer
vertical drop. Here it is
a sea of radioactive flesh
eating nukeslime inside a
huge, sky-less box, and by
golly, it kind of works in
a demented, drug-induced way.
DESCRIPTION:
Since I downloaded the
.bsp file from the LagClan's
server, it didn't come with
any text documentation, and
repeated queries during the
game that ran along the lines
of "WHERE THE FUCK
DID YOU GUYS FIND THIS THING??'
went unanswered by the members
that were connected. A visit
to their website yielded nothing
but a Flash animation completely
devoid of any information
about them or the maps that
they run (which is actually
kind of intriguing considering
the moronic bullshit that
usually gluts a Quake
clan website), and the requisite
forays into FilePlanet and
cdrom.com's map databases
was equally fruitless. The
chances are pretty good that
the map was made by one of
the clan members, and the
question instead becomes not
who made the map, but
why.
THE
MAP: Imagine a huuuuuuge
box with an innocuous mossy
stone textured wall and an
immense sea of nuclear slime
stretched over the floor.
Now imagine a batch of brownie-sized
blocks of matter hovering
over the slime in such a way
that one can carefully leap
from block to block for no
good reason. Now imagine that
in the middle of the sea of
slime there is a perfectly
rectangular patch of dry ground,
in the middle of which is
a teleporter that leads to
a glaringly bright room with
crushing walls. Now picture
a patch on the wall that if
shot by a player before they
are crushed to pulp opens
a door that leads to a room
that is a deep, narrow shaft
which pitches one down for
about a mile if they miss
the ledge. On the other side
of the pit is a strangely
constructed "room"
with a lone Railgun and lava
at its edges that slopes downward
to an empty gutter, again
glaringly fullbright and textured
with the same innocuous graphic.
A sniper nest with one machine
gun and no ammo looms in one
end of the room. In the middle
is plunked a mega-health,
and there is no way to get
back up to the top. If you
can envision those few things
you have essentially reconstructed
the level in your mind's eye,
and actually looking at the
map would be superfluous.
 |
|
This
player kindly demonstrates
the usual fate of anyone
brave/stupid enough
to try "Ninja3".
|
Since
the only weapons in the map
are the Railgun and machinegun,
and the only way to get to
them is to run a gauntlet
of death that more often then
not results in your extermination,
one is essentially playing
the game with nothing but
a blaster and arbitrarily
dying over and over again.
Blaster kills are perhaps
the most humiliating and gut
wrenching experience that
I can think of; they far outweigh
being beaten by a Q1 ax or
even the "pummeling"
of the Q3 gauntlet as an experience
in humiliation. I suspect
that my opinion of this map
would not be so negative if
only the author had included
a couple of weapons resting
on the brownie sized slabs
of matter suspended over the
sea of slime, which also would
have given one a reason with
bothering to navigate their
purposelessness. Add to that
the frustration of constantly
teleporting inside of other
players down in the crushing
chamber (at one point there
were about four of us packed
into one entity space) and
what we have here is basically
an unplayable exercise in
futility and frustration.
But as a shared experience
amongst nine or so players
who usually frequent the same
game server and are somewhat
familiar with each other,
it was kind of amusing, although
I wondered if the other players
were truly aware of just what
a monstrosity this level is
-- some
people just like to play Quake
and don't care what map they
end up in.
GAMEPLAY:
Pretty tedious, ranging from
the traditional anal probing
fun of the jumping puzzle
(one of my all-time favorite
indications of a shitty map)
to the novelty of being smashed
in a room that is brighter
than the inside of an exploding
sun. Bots certainly will be
clueless as to what to do
with this map, so its pretty
much useless unless its running
on an active, populated server.
And as luck may have it, that
was where I found it.
FUN
FACTOR: It was fun to
experience the map with the
other players and watch them
plop into the slime and dissolve
like Alka-Seltzer tablets,
though I myself really didn't
enjoy being fried like a potato
chip or squashed like a packet
of ketchup over and over again.
THE
BOTTOM LINE: The LagClan
server can be found at quake2.lagclan.com
(or 63.85.86.12:27910)
and I can pretty much assure
you that if this map isn't
running, one of their other
masterpieces will no doubt
be awaiting you; they are
all quick downloads and worth
it if you like a good laugh
while you play your Quake.
And while I don't have the
authority to even proclaim
it an unofficial "Cranky
Steve Server", I do hereby
dub it as a Cranky Steve Approved
server, earning the Haunted
Whorehouse Seal of Approval
for Applied Awfulness if only
for casting caution to the
wind and running this God-awful
map, which you must admit
takes a lot of guts.
I'll see you there.
ADDENDUM:
This review was originally
written for a .bsp file titled
"ninja2", but last
night I downloaded a map named
"ninja3" from the
server and it was identical
except for an additional spawn
point. So this may in fact
be a "work in progress".
How very sad and disturbing!
-
Squonkamatic
for the People!!
