Welcome to the Crouching Extravaganza 99!

The main courtyard. Notice the colored lighting trying to sneak in. No, stay back, damn you, stay back!

TheGoldenAce, a person who has apparently been taking mapping lessons from Erik, unleashes "The Lost Base". To successfully recreate this map in real life, purchase 150 pounds of Christmas tree lights and string them all around your bathroom. For a more accurate recreation, get in the bathtub with the lights.

DESCRIPTION: TheGoldenAce (all one word, like in "HomeEnemaKit") has been skipping school and spelling classes to present us with wonderful new maps like "The Lost Base". Another added bonus are the text files with accompany these works of art. The file that came with "The Lost Base" claims this is an "...Edge Size map, made for zone.... good for tryouts and such and for good DM matches. Try it in 8 players. It's a Vary fun map." Yes, it is a vary fun map. It varies from "something awful" to "fun vacuum".

"There is now a real Ladder in map except for a Piece of Metal you climb, also made a crutch for ppl who had trouble getting out of a particular hole, guy's you know what Im talking about. r_speeds went down by 200 after fixing the glass problem." Hmmm, having the r_speeds drop from 400 to 200 isn't really all that amazing. Yup, r_speeds in the hundreds, this could be a first for a Cranky Steve map. Don't worry though, you'll won't be able to appreciate how well this map runs on your computer, as you won't be able to get through the gobs of colored lighting and illogical design. It all balances out folks, yin and yang. Or whatever the hell that shit is. And who exactly are the guy's that can't get out of a "particular hole"? Is Mr. TheGoldenAce insulting homosexuals? Is he talking about prison? Is he talking about gay sex in prison? Who knows...

THE MAP: Map layout ranges from "Bozo's Funhouse" to "Carnival of the Damned". Every hallway, room, open space, and Quake 2 Crate (tm) is color coated for your convenience, as if you're playing in an abandoned paint factory. The main problem with all this colored lighting (besides the obvious fact that it looks like utter and complete crap) is that when I refer to a room as the "magenta and blue pulsating room with the yellow lighting in the middle", I could be talking about 20 different rooms in this horror show.

Weapon placement is about as logical as the lighting. There's a rocket launcher with approximately 18,000 rounds of ammo next to it in a hallway. Other weapons are placed in random locations, perhaps trying to flee the nauseating colored lighting in this map and escape to one that has less neon hallways, like an Erik map maybe. And, of course, the BFG is placed in one of the most inaccessible places to get to. Which could really qualify as "anywhere in this map", now that I think about it.

When giving this map a run-through, make sure to have an easily accessible key bound to "crouch", as Mr. TheGoldenAce put a few hundred yards of corridors that you have to crouch to get under. Why were they put in the map? No idea. Do "mapmakers" (and I use that term loosely, much like describing a guy who keys your car as being an "automobile detail specialist") like Mr. TheGoldenAce ever playtest their maps? Or do they have such a perverted sense of "fun" that they actually like god-awful colored lighting, claustrophobic hallways, random weapon placement, and geometric objects the shape of things found in my bowel movements? Maybe I should sponsor some kind of study to find out what's wrong with these people. And then kill them afterwards. There would be free cookies too.

GAMEPLAY: It wasn't that awful. The Forgetful Lumberjack and I were able to play on the map for about 10 minutes before I started vomiting rainbow-colored mush. If this map had decent lighting, or was even fullbright for that matter, it might be playable. And it really wouldn't hurt to change the weapon placement. Or some of the hallways. Oh yeah, if he ditched the stupid Quake 2 looped music as well, that'd be good as well. And the terrible textures. Wait a second, now that I think about it, I'm describing a totally different map. Yeah, this map would be good if it was totally different. That about sums up the gameplay.

FUN FACTOR: No. Mr. TheGoldenAce managed to take everything I hate and blend it in to one terrible, coherent map.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Might be playable in software mode, without the colored lighting. Might be playable by somebody with no good taste. Might be playable in another dimension. It isn't in mine.

- Cranky Steve

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).