Why hello there, Sparkles. Was the Jerry Springer Show casting call successful?

"RAAWWWWWWWWR! Damn, bitch! You got FAT since I dumped your ugly ass! RAWWWWWWRRRRRR!"

Hey, an ugly drunk college fratboy passed out in the bathroom, who wouldda guessed. Whenever I see clowns like these doing community service and picking up trash along the highway for their lame frathouse, I drive by and shout "Hey, you retards are doing an excellent job of cleaning up after people like me" and then I throw a glass bottle of JD into their face. If I'm feeling particularly pissed off, I don't even bother drinking the bottle first."

If this is The Devil, I'm never going to ever, ever, ever sin again. It's scared me straight.

Gravity is especially hard on Tom Marvin's cheekbones. It's like somebody jammed a toaster oven into his mouth. Oh wait, that was me. Nevermind.

The baby senses danger and urinates uncontrollably! Escape and flee to another town, kid, or you'll grow up to have a face that looks like a 6 month old rotting pumpkin that's been kicked in by Serbian war criminals.