Television troll is taking over the airwaves and changing every channel into "Smear TV." The special holiday 3-D episode features oily pubic hairs that grow out of the television and strangle you to death. It is therefore my civic duty to beat this simp's skull in with a lamppost, and if you're the goddamn cops and think otherwise, maybe you should just sit in traffic because I make a difference in the town, goddammit, and I'm a war veteran and deserve respect and so what if I stole all those tit magazines from the Gas N' Guzzle, it doesn't matter because the owner of that filthshop owes me $500 from the time his tree fell on me after I attacked it with an axe because he was acting like an asshole at his Christmas party and his wife wouldn't put out no matter how hard I punched her in the stomach. Now I fucking hate oatmeal and it's that cocksmuggler's fault.

Office Pirate's booty is the size of a goddamn tropical island, only with more living creatures infesting it.

PORK

PORK

PORK

PORK IN THE CARAMEL CHAIR!!!!!

This is as close to a shower as Greg Maynard will ever get, except for when I get in that industrial strength shipment of Brillo pads and I visit his filthy apartment to scrub the face off his head.

That white sack of shit's got a dog tag around her neck, just in case she gets lost I guess.

James Pester has two bottles of pop over his balls. I gave him two pops from my automatic shotgun the other day, and he's now significantly less annoying. I have the solution to all of life's problems! Also, I still fucking hate oatmeal! More updates about oatmeal to come as I think about them!