• Perfect for "families on the move" or rapists trying to escape from the Police.
• Strange humming noise in the trunk has been proven to be "100% not radioactive".
• Front tires pull to the right, so to offset, the steering wheel only turns to the left.
• Glass embedded in drivers seat provides "itch relief" for troublesome hemorrhoids.
• Engine replaced with cinder block.
• Muffler replaced with dangerous, oil soaked rags.
• Speedometer always reads "39".

PIRATE JIM BAGLEADUCIA SAYS:

"AARGH! DEATH BE A SPANISH HOOKER, AND HER WEAPON OF CHOICE BE CRABS OF THE CARIBBEAN! YAR!"

• You can fill the car with rocks and say to your friends, "Oh no, the rocks have come to life and are trying to drive away in my car!"
• "Ultimate Security System" installed in car boasts a 100% effective antitheft deterrent! For example, not even the most intelligent of thieves can steal your car once the entire dashboard has been welded and melted together!
• Pentagrams on back seat insures regular visits from our Unholy Overlord.
• When pushed forward, car may travel forward.
• Vehicle can double as "Really Large Paperweight".
• Plenty of storage room in back, assuming you tear the back hood off.
• Optional insurance policy will refund you if this car is ever sucked into a black hole.

PIRATE JIM BAGLEADUCIA SAYS:

"IF I HAD MY WAY, I'D EAT YOUR FILTHY CHILDREN AND RAM MY TONGUE DOWN YER WIFE'S THROAT! YARRRR!"

• By crouching behind the vehicle and holding your hands over your face, you will increase the odds of not getting shot to death in the middle of a drug deal gone bad.
• Our "No Kangaroo Policy" guarantees no kangaroos have ever drove this car.
• Once you buy this car, you can paint it red OR white! But not blue. Oh no, not blue.
• A famous nun once drove this car. You can still see most of her remains in the back seat!
• If you're ever attending a big, important business meeting, and are afraid your car will suddenly start defying gravity and float up into the sky, you can stop worrying because with this car, IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN.
• Doors and windows are "Rosie O' Donnell proof".
• Wheels optional.
• Car antenna sends your innermost desires and thoughts to the governmental supercomputers hidden below Area 51. Er, wait, I meant it DOESN'T do that.

PIRATE JIM BAGLEADUCIA SAYS:

"FUCK OFF!!!"

• Fifth wheel in the trunk insures a safe replacement when you blow a flat tire. By "fifth wheel", we mean "box of used condoms".
• Digital CD player also reads 8-tracks. No wait, it's an 8-track player.
• Floormats were stolen from only the finest quality Valu-Inn Motels.
• Good posture is reinforced by the stainless steel rods that jam into your back.
• Store knickknacks and valuable personal possessions on our patented "floors".
• Free bowling trophy included at no extra cost. If you can dislodge it from the dashboard, it's all yours!
• Learn about exciting law enforcement tactics when the Police chase you down the highway, trying to shoot out your tires!
• Driver's side airbag deploys at the mere sense of danger, and also when you start the car. Or stop it.

PIRATE JIM BAGLEADUCIA SAYS:

"SOMETIMES WHEN I'M ABOARD MY SHIP, I GET LONELY AND SEEK COMFORT IN THE ARMS OF ME DECKHANDS! THEN I KEEL-HAUL THEM AND THROW THEIR LIFELESS CORPSES OFF THE POOP DECK, DOWN TO VISIT DAVY JONES' WATERY GRAVE!"