AT A GLANCE: I really love clans. My favorite thing about clans is the fact that I'm not in one. Well I am part of 133tc0wZ, but it is only for Linux Half-Life and I don't own either Linux or Half-Life. I'm in the clan to be able to tell people "sorry I'm already in a clan" when they ask me if I'd like to join the one they and their 14 year old brother just started (which happens more often then one might expect for someone as clumsy and unskilled as me). Alert reader Drew B. pointed me in the direction of an appropriately dismal web page for "The Static Clan", which is comprised of what I believe to be the mutant offspring from a cannibal family of inbred, six-toed hermits living in the hills of North Virginia who just happen to have a LAN set up in their communal hut. Between forays into the woods to abduct and devour unsuspecting hikers on the Appalachian Trail, they have managed to find the time to create some clan skins, record clan "training demos", and produce two totally 5up4r 133t official clan maps to play their games in -- handily provided for download in the raw, uncompressed .bsp file format from their server powered by a rat running on a wheel in a cage.

Even though Drew recommended the epic "Static.bsp" as the reason d'ertre for my visit, it is the nostalgically titled "Wolf3dq2ii.bsp" that I have decided to savage, since it played on my memories for Wolf3d (and instead delivered a warm puddle of digital hamster vomit).

DESCRIPTION: There is no documentation provided with the map. The map is not even archived -- you just download the .bsp, load it into your Quake 2 directory, and stick a thumb up your ass. It's actually a shame that the lunkhead who posted the map chose to do so without any author documentation, because a record of "Static Southpaw's" (or whomever is the Frankenstein responsible for this monster) demented intentions might help explain his enigmatic efforts.

I ahhh ... ohh fuckit just click on the pic to see a larger version of the stupid Goddamn blue walls.

THE MAP: I guess the resemblance to Wolf3d is based upon the fact that the map is essentially on one flat plain level with no variance in architectural styles. There are walls sectioning off various rooms or chambers that serve as hallways, and indeed it is so simplistically laid out that I actually had a pretty decent game with the finicky Eraser Bots, who jumped right in without me even having to create any routes. Now while that is a plus on the outside, what it means is that the map is just a bunch of boxes made out of a really large box by slapping brushes up here and there to partition off the spaces. My only thought after running it for a few games is that the members of this clan are either completely lame and inept at shooting while having to negotiate such treacherous terrain as stairs or doors, or they have absolutely no imagination as to what makes up an interesting map to play in (and just like to run around and shoot each other like twerps). So what I am left to conclude is that the Godless cretin who made this thing decided to call it "wolf3dqii" implying that it is "simple and pathetic" just like Wolf3d was to the author, and that just fills me with rage.

It certainly doesn't resemble any Wolf or DOOM2 / Wolf level I have ever seen except in the most superficial of manners, the most notable being the areas saturated with the deep musky "fuck-me-Smurf" blue. It sort of makes the walls resemble the good old Wolfie blue brick textures, but how does that explain the areas saturated with the pizza grease vomit neon red or the bad acid trip glowing urine-yellow sections? The majority of the file size of the map is simply gobs and gobs of colored light entities; one room is so entirely bathed in neon red that it gives the impression of being stuck in a toaster oven set on "broil." Something tells me that if the author had simply lit the map with plain stupid, boring, old "real-world" white light, I might actually dismiss its elementary school simplistic design, stultifying claustrophobic atmosphere, and random item placement as just another dumb little fast-frag deathmatch level. But nooooo!

GAMEPLAY: Actually not that bad, provided you have at least 5 (if not 6 - 8) players. Bots do well because the map was designed for and by brainless idiots. It should prove quite popular, actually.

FUN FACTOR: Look, I like to play Quake. If you put me in an empty box and make me fight with just blasters against a boss monster I could be happy. If you think of this as one of those "just shut your brain off and shoot at everything" type maps it will do just fine.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Now before you start composing your flame mail stating what a dumb prick I am and this map isn't so bad, I state unequivocally myself that the map isn't so bad. The question is, can I fault the map for being a hollow exercise in providing people with the bare minimum of requisites to engender simplistic, brain dead combat in a confining, claustrophobically over lit atmosphere, and named in such a way that it exploits ones nostalgic affection for a classic game now regarded by the ignorant as "quaint"?

YES.

(PS: For an amusing and actually quite competently made little Quake2 homage to Wolfenstiein, click here to download the wonderful little DM only partial conversion by Neto, 1.3mb.)

- Squonkamatic for the People!!