Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid

: I honestly don't know what the fuck this is or how to put it back together again. I just gave up on trying to reassemble it after I got bored and decided that it would be easier to move if I put it inside a banana shipping crate and threw it into Lake Meatshores. If you look closely, you can still see the nipples burning holes into your eyes.

: DJ Back Seat shows off the cash his mom gave him to get a haircut at Clip N' Snips. One time I had sex with a Vietnamese prostitute who cut people's hair in the back of a recon jeep. After we were done, I refused to give her full price so she threw gasoline on me and shouted some kind of ancient Egyptian Indian curse on me, trying to turn me into a vampire or some shit. I punched her in the eye and threw her into a swamp that had a tire in it. Those were the days. Not like today, where kids don't have any fucking respect for veterans like me.

: One time I busted into the MacKenzie's house and while I was fighting off their pet bear / dinosaur in the living room, I spotted a gold watch in their toilet. So I ran over there and stuck the plunger in the john to get me the fucking gold watch, but then the bear / dog thing attacked me again so I left the plunger in the toilet and went back to defending the USA from the commie bastard mutant creature thing. Then that deadbeat kid, Ronny MacKenzie, came in and went to take a shit and didn't even bother pulling the plunger handle from the toilet before sitting down on it. This is why I hate this ratfucking jackcrap city and will move as soon as I win the Lucky Potluck scratch off lottery.

: Tile Troll protects his kingdom of furniture from intruders. I stole a giant cauldron from the Cauldron Hut down off Main and 17th Street, then squeezed out all his facial juice into it. After putting it on his stove for a few hours, I eventually had enough flaming oil to turn this flaming shitball's house into a damn fiery inferno which took the Appleton City firefighters about ten hours to put out. It serves them right, I once saw a firefighter snorting cocaine in a movie, so those drug addicted sons of bitches should work for their coke cash, goddammit. In my day, we didn't have drugs and even if we did, we were too poor to afford them. You want to know how the shitheads in my day got "high"? The hung around the exhaust vent at the coal mine after hours. While I was sitting there and busting my back to shovel coal into a giant steam furnace, those punks were getting "high" off coal juice. So that's why I threw my BBQ grill off the highway overpass last week.

I HATE YOU PAGE 258