Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid

: Rashslug Melvin Wilson ascends from his underground cesspit every two weeks to rummage through my garbage cans and pick out any old food, beer cans, or used condoms he can find. I once chased this doughy tick for something like 17 miles with my shotgun, he was zig zagging all over the place and I was shooting round after round at him, but I don't think I ever hit him because I probably would've smelled fresh ham if I did. I accidentally gunned down a few human bags of white trash along the way, but I think most everybody in this town has built up an immunity to getting shot by me because the fuckers never die. At least that was my excuse when the cops were asking why I was unloading a few rounds at the Girl Scout troop that was trying to scam me out of my hard earned $3.00.

: Since I always wanted to be a chiropractor and swindle morons out of their hard-earned cash by breaking their spine, I decided to home school myself by watching an episode of "ER" and thereby mastering the chiropractic art or whatever the fuck you call it. Here's one of my latest patients, who we'll call "Joe Smith" because his name is actually Ben Robinson but wanted to remain anonymous after people saw this picture and began asking where exactly his other foot was located. Before Joe Smith came into my office / mall parking lot, he was complaining of chronic head pain around the area I stabbed him with the screwdriver. I gave him a free skeletal adjustment session and deducted the money from his wallet and ATM card. If you want a free consultation, feel tree to come up to me and breath in my direction. That will be the signal.

: OH NO, WACKY FRIENDS PUT BOTTLE CAPS AND CIGARETTES ON A PASSED OUT FLESHY FOOTBALL, OH HOW CRAZY, MAYBE NEXT THING THEY'LL PUT HIS HAND IN A BUCKET OF WARM WATER AND THEN EJACULATE ON HIS FACE! WHEN WILL THE HUMOR EVER STOP?!?

: The horny Watermelon Man. Before the stroke, he used to sell tires down in Lake Meatshore Square. Now he eats watermelon and rapes things. A lot.

: I think I took this photo from a post-apocalyptic wasteland where mutants roam the plains like some really flaming version of Mad Max. They play that shitty music that sounds like electronic disco crap, the music that goes BOOM chick BOOM chick BOOM chick, although it does match the sound of BOOM chick I make when shooting and reloading my shotgun at these pathetic abominations. God I hate these multicolored shitsticks. I'd pour Drano in their Kool-Aid, but they probably already snort Drano and wouldn't feel shit.

I HATE YOU PAGE 246