Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid

: If you force feed Carla Maynard rats, she eventually starts making these really funny noises. I found that out on accident, but it's really fucking hilarious. If you really want to hear her make funny noises, force feed her rats while you step on her abdomen and twist your foot around. Make sure you're wearing boots, and not those sissy fruitball yuppie boots from Clownco, you have to wear Army boots or the boots that the SWAT team uses to kick in doors with. I tried kicking in some guy's door one day but I missed and my foot went through the aluminum siding on his house and I was stuck there for like three days because the jackass who lived there was on vacation.

: Loafy Junior, the Appleton City Fire Department's dog. Inside of it is at least three children who were crying to be rescued during a housefire. I was thinking about joining the Fire Department so I could take the hose and water my bushes all day for free, but then I decided I didn't want to join because I don't want to slide down no fucking pole with a bunch of guys wearing overalls.

: A wild boar tries to escape my Correctional Closet trap, but the rubber band lasso grips into her doughy flesh and yanks her back. The Correctional Closet can only withstand 800 pounds of weight in it, so I had to put some reinforced lattice under it to hold up this blubbering lump of ham.

: Much like the eagle or centipede, some Appleton City mothers eat their young. This ugly baby is trying to escape but I didn't bother helping her because she would've turned into a mature mutant later on in life and the last thing I need is more fleshbags walking down the street in front of my house and playing that loud music with the drums and horn. Next time I hear that drum and horn music, I swear I'm going to lay out a spike strip and blow the tires of the car so I can barge in and take their cassette record and cram it in between a couple of their ribs.

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