Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid

: Murphy Algernon, the Condiment King of Appleton City. He's self-saucing, if you know what I mean. And by God, I hope you sure as hell don't, for your sake.

I beat this ratheaded dungmitten last February and he got this weird clear gel shit all over my hands and I scrubbed them for five goddamn hours and the crap still didn't come off. I even used that fancy richman's Lava soap but it didn't work. If you see this clown carcass, for hell's sake, don't get near him.

: I caught this spermsack hanging around my bushes last Friday, so I strung him up by his pasty-white ankles and proceeded to beat the yarn out of his skull like it was a revolting, mullet-headed piñata. The cops found his body in a ditch alongside Route 41. And Route 83. And Henderson Street.

SO DON'T GO NEAR MY GODDAMN BUSHES YOU STUPID PUNK RATASS SHITSTORM MAGGOT SKULLED HUMAN REJECTS.

: Mommy and Daddy buy Dough Troll a new car to reward him for not consuming the entire freshman highschool class during lunch. I hate those Jap cars, they're all plastic and worthless gizmo shit like anti-log brakes and speedometers and shit, who the hell needs that crap? Real men drive American cars like Buicks and Chryslers, just don't buy a Chrysler from the Chinaman down the street, he sold me a goddamn lemon and one of these days I'm going to fill his mouth full of broken teeth. I mean, I'm going to break all his teeth and therefore his mouth will be full of broken teeth, I guess I wasn't too clear with that part.

: Mark Reinhold tries to hide the fact that he's been stealing shit from my septic tank. That's fine by me, I'm going to be beating the shit out of his lobster-nosed ass sooner or later. God, look at that nose, it looks like somebody used a pen to poke holes in a lump of Silly Putty.

: "Two, that is correct, I am aiming for eating 200 pounds of turkey on this evening occasion, help me!"

I HATE YOU PAGE 213