Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid

: Margaret Blanchard had her neck broken when I accidentally ran over her with that piece of shit rustbucket lemon Chrysler that the Chinaman down the block sold to me and ripped me off out of my hard-earned money I found in some guy's house. Now all she does is examine duck figurines and waits for the Appleton City Hospital to find medical technology allowing them to successfully remove the entire antique shop I shoved up her wrinkled carcass after I caught her attempting to distill my Jack Daniels with some kind of harpy witch magic potion. Also I think this decrepit broad is a lesbian too, I once saw her in the same room with another woman and if that ain't proof I don't know what is.

: The Bathtub Buddies pose shortly before they become the Garroted Gang courtesy of myself and this iron dog collar thing I built for when the Army comes out with those experimental robot attack dogs that shoot the exploding shit at the Jap Russians. If you don't believe they're making that kind of shit just watch that one show on the Discovery Channel, the one that's hosted by that old dickhead. I forgot the name but I saw it on there and it wasn't a goddamn dream so don't even DARE accuse me of bring drunk.

: This is one of the only two popular pastimes in North Appleton City. The other one also involves a cat too, but you don't want to know about it, trust me.

: Betty Maynard steals pool tarps and uses them as shirts. The good thing is that they're stain repellent too, so when 50 pounds of fried chicken fall from the cracks of her filth stained maw, they just roll right off Mount Crisco's belly.

: Scotty Wenernia takes a little trip to the parking lot after I caught him doing something close to my car when I was shopping at the liquor store. I tried to push him onto the I-48 highway overpass, but I got tired about halfway there and I fell down and rolled down a hill and woke up in some Mexican's house two days later. I think Scotty is still there, I made pretty sure he wasn't able to move. I think the Mexican family's home burned down too but I had nothing to do with that so don't even try to blame it on me.

I HATE YOU PAGE 212