Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid

: Mickey "Flaming Nipples" O'Malley shows off his goods to the Ramada Inn housecleaning staff, hoping that they'll let him stay an extra night for free. Why? Because he lives in a filthy fucking box in the alleyway outside Dairy Queen. Sometimes I walk by the box and piss all over it and tell Mickey that it's raining. Then he comes out and I beat in his skull with a garbage can lid.

: This is why I never joined the pansy-ass Marines. You won't ever see crap like this go on in the Navy, no sir. They have a special screening process for the Navy. After you fill in your address on the application form, they look at it and if it says "APPLETON CITY" then they put a bullet through your head on the spot. They tried to do that to me, but I used some the Kung Fu shit I learned from the guy who runs Arby's and they said "Wow Cliff, we want you on our side" and then they promoted me to Captain and I solved a mystery and jumped my car over a ravine too. I was a fucking war hero, goddammit, and if somebody tells you I was dishonorably discharged then they're lying because they're jealous of the 42 fighter planes I shot down during the war with Yemen.

: Cinderella checks the Inter-net for her dwarves! Oh wait, maybe that was Snow White. Whatever. Fuck you.

: "I PROCLAIM THIS SWINGSET TO BE PROPERTY OF THE DARK LORD NOSFERATU. BREAK OUT THE CURE TAPES!"

: Oh no! The moron fratboy is drunk and too weak to protect himself from Lobster Linda! Lobster Linda always attacks her victims when they're drunk. She tried to pull that crap on me at the Golddigger one night until I punched her in the stomach and threw her off a bridge.

I HATE YOU PAGE 122