Internet Spotlight v1.0

There is a lot of horror out their on the Internet and the normal format of The Horrors of Porn precludes me from covering the myriad disturbing clips available. With that in mind I have selected three of the most bizarre clips from my library of terrors and created a very special Internet Porn Spotlight to showcase them. This article is most definitely not for children, the sensitive, or those with weak hearts.

Clip 1: "Megaballs"
Origin: Unknown

Two testicles enter, one gallon of fake semen leaves.If elephantitis of the testicles does not seem like a particularly likely subject for pornography to you then you have not been using the same Internet as me. Expected or not, there's no denying that when you actually see enormous (albeit fake) testicles it is still something of a shock.

In this very brief clip things get off to a normal enough start with a quite attractive young woman crouching nude in front of an erect penis. As the camera pulls back things take a turn for the surreal as we get our first look at the kickball-sized scrotum of the male actor. His enormous swollen testicles look like some sort of parasitic brain creature attached to the underside of his penis. The male actor, who has more than a passing resemblance to a shorter and more ethnic version of WWE's "Big Show", never removes his hands from the unusual position of cradling his giant testicles.

The actress encourages Gigantor to unleash what will no doubt be an epic volume of manly humours. He responds by ejaculating a urine-steady stream of thin white liquid for the better part of thirty seconds. Nearly a cup of fake jizz must have gone into the making of this clip, easily eclipsing even the best efforts of famed ejaculator Peter North. All the while, Andre the Testicle Giant cradles his immense satchel of fun, no doubt operating some manner of hand pump or compressor.

As is the norm in porn these days the woman enthusiastically massages the fake jizz into her skin as if it's SPF 500 and she's about to emerge from the Solar Lander. After taking advantage of the Sack Lord's natural unguent, the comely lass and Giga Nuts enjoy a tender embrace.

Clip 2: "Hillbilly Sex Bike"
Origin: Cumonherface.com

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.Designing a bicycle with a dildo tied directly into the gear system seems like a pretty good idea until you think about the specifics. Putting aside catastrophic possibilities like being hit by a bus and ending up with a dildo lodge in your womb there is still the issue of having a rubber phallus jack hammering violently into your uterus with little way of stopping it quickly. Such is the fate suffered by the lead actress in this unfortunately quite long clip.

It begins with her fully clothed and fellating a translucent dildo emerging through the seat of a bicycle. She receives some attention from an emaciated and breastless woman to prepare her for her amazing voyage, and then she mounts up on the bicycle. As she pedals up and down a gravel road lowing like a wounded calf the view cuts back and forth between her riding and a close up of the dildo sliding in and out of the bicycle seat. She rides the bike back up the gravel road and continues on past a somewhat dilapidated house and into a grassy area where a number of naked, hirsute, and mostly fat men are being sexually entertained by a handful of less than attractive ladies. Our star hurriedly dismounts the bicycle with no love lost and heads over to be manhandled and thrusted at by several men with mesh bags over their heads.

The transition from sex bike experiment to disconcerting backwoods orgy is abrupt and jarring. The men are bossy and somewhat physically intimidating, crowding in around her with their tiny penises being flogged to erection. One man has sex with her while another smothers her face beneath his bulk; the mass of others waiting in the wings are encouraged by an outnumbered squad of women more suited for radio than porn. After grueling minutes of shoving, humping, yelling, and grunting the men begin to ejaculate on the woman's face. As the men take their Bukkake turns on our star's face the cameraman asks over and over how much she loves it. The woman gamely replies that she does, in fact, love being humiliated and coated with fat creepy redneck semen.

This continues for several minutes until the star of the movie looks like a donut glazed with Elmer's Glue. The previously mentioned concentration camp inmate kisses her and then begins licking the slimy debris from her friend. The cameraman, for his part, encourages her to proclaim the general awesomeness of riding a medieval torture device and then being molested by a brood of hooting man-apes.

Clip 3: "The Cock Monster"
Origin: Clubhardball.com

Ahhhh, it's a beautiful day in this park that oinks constantly.It feels pretty clichéd to approach my segment on "The Cock Monster" clip with the old "I've seen many terrible things in my day…" routine, but all the same, I've seen many terrible things in my day, and none can compare to the horrifying shitastrophe of "The Cock Monster". How someone imagined this clip would be erotic to any human being on the face of the planet is a question for the ages.

It begins with a relatively attractive blond woman walking through an unusual terraced park and stopping to smell the flowers. As she walks around enjoying the scenery we hear a pig-like snorting and snuffling sound. When she approaches a shaded area, the pig sound is revealed as belonging to a squealing rubber monster that looks like a giant sick rat with no head, huge teeth, and about 50 rubber dildos glued to its body. The creature is actually so disturbing that my first thought upon seeing it was that the girl had wandered into the town of Silent Hill.

It crams a giant and disgustingly hairy rat tail between her legs while clacking huge, yellow, and uneven rows of teeth. This convinces the girl to strip down and start funneling rubber cocks into her mouth while the cock monster continues to make hog sounds. This is what the Ned Beatty rape scene from "Deliverance" would look like if it had been directed by Lloyd Kaufman. The real comedy for this scene begins when the pig-noises inexplicably cut out and are replaced with the cameraman/director telling the cock monster and woman what to do. This provides me with some choice quotes like:

"Move your right hand, Andrea. Get your right hand out of the shot. I've gotta get a focus-free editor(??)."

"Get that one going for the asshole! Tilt it down, make the head go towards the asshole! Yesss! Good!"

"Play with that sphincter!"

"Suck the penis right next to me. Suck this penis! Suck THIS penis!"

"Push Andrew, go! Don't squirt yet. Come up to it baby. SQUIRT!"

Ugh.Apparently they decided that the whole thing was so abysmally horrible that there was no point in dubbing in another track to conceal all the director's comments. After fellating handfuls of rubber dongs the cock monster and its entranced paramour shuffle through several awkward sexual positions. These positions invariably involve the cock monster remaining perfectly immobile while the girl manipulates its rubber penises. In several shots poor framing reveals the fact that the penises aren't even connected to the monster. This totally took me out of the moment!

The cock monster saga concludes with about a half dozen of the penises erupting sequentially into torrential downpours of fake cock monster semen. The hottest part is when they cut after a few of the dicks squirt and then come back and the woman has some gnats stuck to her face. After the cock monster unleashes its Yuletide carols all over the girl's face and body she dutifully rubs it in and the scene fades to black. It fades to black, but the haunting afterimages still ghost across my retinas when I close my eyes.

The Horror Champion: Like Adrian Paul there can be only one, and this time there can be no doubt that the champion of horror is none other than The Cock Monster. Hideous special effects, possibly the least sexy sex every put on video, and amusingly inept audio production create a synergy of horror unmatched by the two other clips. All the same I feel this clip was a little like Oskar Schindler in that it could have done more. If you're going to have a giant rotten mouthed headless rat covered with cocks you might as well have it also vomit worms onto the woman or otherwise up the horror factor. I mean, yeah, a the cock monster really was superbly horrible, but if you're not even going to attempt the erotic you should probably make things as appallingly gross as possible. I have rated "The Cock Monster" below.